Sean pulled the other chair to the bedside, took Amber’s hand in one of his and with the other brushed a strand of hair from her eyes.
For the moment it was just the three of them in the room.
Tessa put out of her mind the unthinkable possibility that Amber wasn’t going to make it. Her stepaunt was going to be okay. She was definitely going to be okay.
Yes, yes she was.
Having forgotten her phone at Amber’s house, Tessa tried calling Patrick from the room phone, but he didn’t answer. Neither did Lien-hua.
Scrolling through her mental database of names, of numbers, she tried Agent Jake Vanderveld’s cell number and managed to reach him at the Schoenberg Inn, where he was searching for a snowmobile to get to someplace in the national forest. Tessa tried to tell him about Amber, but he cut her off and proudly announced that Patrick had just helped save the lives of a million people.
What is he talking about? Is he even being serious?
“Um…” What do you say to that? “Awesome.” Yes, she was curious about what he’d said, but for the moment she stuck with the news of Amber’s overdose, got through the summary.
“If Pat’s in the base,” Agent Vanderveld said, “he’s out of cell contact. I’m not sure I can get him the message until I get there. Do you need me to come to the hospital?”
“I’m sure he’ll fill you in later. Just, when you find him, tell him to get here as soon as he can, okay? How did he save a million people?”
“We’ll explain it all later. I’ll get him the message. I hope Amber is going to be all right.”
“Yeah, me too.”
Don’t worry, she will.
As Tessa was hanging up, a nurse soundlessly came into the room to check on Amber, but evidently there’d been no change. A few moments later, she left after encouraging Sean and Tessa to hang in there: “Don’t worry. Everything’s going to be fine.” But she didn’t make eye contact with either of them, and the half smile she offered wasn’t very convincing.
After they were alone with Amber again, Tessa and Sean sat quietly in the throbbing, ticking silence of the room. Between them, Amber breathed in the machine-fed oxygen.
And did not wake up.
She’ll be okay, Tessa told herself. She really will.
Tessa hadn’t been paying much attention to Sean, but now realized his eyes were moist. She figured that if there were times when it was okay for a grown man to cry, this was one of them. But he probably doesn’t want a teenage girl watching him “I’m so sorry,” he whispered to Amber. “I let you down.”
After a short silence, Tessa said, “She loves you. She does. She felt really bad about everything.”
He lowered his head into his hands, and ever so slightly his broad shoulders began to shake.
Leave him with her. He needs to be alone.
“Um, I’m gonna go grab us some Cokes.” It was pathetic, but it was all she could think of to say. “Or something. I’ll be back in a bit.”
He nodded a quiet reply, and she eased out of the room.
When they’d entered the hospital, Tessa had noticed some vending machines in the lobby. So now, she took the elevator down one level to the ground floor.
It struck her that even though she’d helped Amber tonight, tried to do all she could, Amber still might not make it.
A good deed doesn’t balance out a bad one. A kind act doesn’t make scars disappear. Everyone dies eventually. You can’t stop it, just forestall it.
Not the right thoughts to be having.
She left the elevator and was halfway to the lobby when she saw a sign to the hospital’s chapel. A narrow window on the door revealed that the chapel was really just a sliver of a room with subdued lighting, six folding chairs, some kneeling cushions, and a small, unvarnished wooden cross hanging up front.
After a moment’s deliberation, Tessa slipped inside and, figuring it would be a little too weird kneeling on a cushion, took a seat on the closest chair.
No one else was there, and the air was filled with a sterile hospitally smell but also something else, something fainter, some kind of gentle perfume, soft and floral and lingering from someone who must’ve only recently left the room.
Words from Tessa’s mother came to her: “You need to learn to believe in grace as much as you do in pain, in forgiveness as much as you do in shame.”
In other words, find a place where hope is real again!
Hope. Real hope.
“Please let Amber live.” Tessa said the words audibly to give them more weight, to help convince herself that they were going to come true. “Give her another chance.”
The cross at the front of the room was simple, wooden, and rough, and it made her think of the story she’d read, about the woman weeping at Jesus’s feet, the woman who knew she was a great sinner, who knew she had a ton of stuff she needed to be forgiven for.
I want to believe, I do. Like that woman.
Like Amber.
Like Mom.
Tessa’s conversations with her psychiatrist, with Patrick, with her stepaunt, about God and love and forgiveness all seemed to whirl around her: “I’m sinking into a place I can’t climb out of on my own,” she’d told her shrink… “When you ask someone to forgive you, you’re really asking the other person to sacrifice for the benefit of the relationship,” Amber had explained… “Denial isn’t the answer. Somehow forgiveness, or making amends, or some sort of penance, has to be,” Patrick had said.
And Jesus had reassured that weeping, broken woman, “Your faith has saved you, go in peace.”
Someone needs to sacrifice for someone else to be forgiven.
At the house, Tessa had asked Amber which came first, love or forgiveness, but now it struck her that neither one does, that both love and forgiveness follow something else “Your faith has saved you, go in peace.”
Tessa felt a tear easing down her cheek.
Denial is too cheap a cure.
And so, she did not deny it. She did not deny anything. I’m sorry for the kind of person I can be, for the evil I’m capable of.
And in the soft silence of the chapel, she heard a soul-whispered voice that seemed to somehow come from both inside her heart and also from someplace far beyond herself: “I know.”
Will you forgive me? Please, I “I already have.”
The sailboat painting came to mind, the one that’d seemed so real to her, that had invited her to step from one eternity to another, to arrive at the other side of the canvas.
And in that moment Tessa felt something pure wash over the part of her soul that had been dark and ruined for so long. Words came to her, just like they might’ve if she had her notebook in front of her, and the words were both a confession of her sins and an acceptance of blood-bought grace. Four simple lines: i am the clever architect of oblivion; you are the wondrous carpenter of hearts.
She waited for more poetry, more reassurance, but no more words came. The poem was over.
And please save Amber.
But the voice did not speak to her again.
She wiped away the tear that had escaped her eye.
“Please.”
The perfume in the air dissipated, and only the pale sanitized smell of the hospital remained.
Tessa repeated her prayer for Amber, but no matter how earnestly she pleaded out this intercession for her stepaunt, she heard nothing but silence.
Unsettled by the sudden whiplash of emotions-from the bright glimmer of peace to a tightening knot of fear, Tessa stood and backed out of the room.
Maybe you were just imagining things. Wishful thinking, making up a divine response in order to cover your shame. To find a way to deal with your past.
Disheartened, confused, she reached the vending machines. And then, not far from her, on the other side of the lobby, the front doors of the hospital whisked open, and she saw Patrick, her father, emerge from the storm.
99
I heard Tessa call my name, and it took only a moment to find her near the soda machines. “Hey”-I hurried toward her-“how’s Amber?”