Laird downshifted, but the snow swept in just as hard, erasing distance. Sometimes it didn’t look like snow coming toward him; it looked more like streaks of darkness exploding from a black center, wiping out the white. He blinked and shook his head. If this were a normal storm on any other night, he could find a pullout, park the truck and sleep until dawn, but the last weather report he’d heard said highways were closing behind him. They’d stopped traffic between Denver and Colorado Springs twenty minutes after he’d traveled that route. “Looks like our first big winter storm, folks,” the DJ said.
Laird twiddled the radio dial. Nothing but static now. Most times he picked up stations the whole way.
Last year a trucker froze to death in a pullout thirty miles from Taos. No CB, just like him. No cell phone. The storm closed the road, and two days later when the plows broke through, they found him wrapped in a sleeping bag in his truck’s cabin. Laird hunched over the steering wheel. They weren’t going to find him like that because he wasn’t going to stop. Nothing would prevent him from getting home to his kids.
Still, the snow shot from the darkness. When he switched on his brights, it was worse. He thought about being alone, about the long distance. What if, he thought, the snow wasn’t snow at all, but stars? What if I were flying through the galaxy, passing stars…
…passing stars? Watch Commander Tremaine shook his head. For a moment the flying stars in the viewvid made him think of snow, but he hadn’t seen snow for the last third of his life. What he’d seen instead, between long sleeps, were representations of stars scooting through the wall-covering viewvid during the long journey from one edge of the galaxy to the other, 100,000 light years, past one hundred billion stars at 2,000 times the speed of light.
He checked the [M]-space figures again. This couldn’t be right! He refigured them. The ship didn’t know where it was. Through the mental interface the computer wailed, scared into incoherence. Sometime while he’d been sleeping, they’d been thrown off course. Stars zipped by. Some swelled, became perceptibly larger. How close were the stars coming? The ship was off course! Tremaine shuddered. Even in [M]-space, they could not go through a star. The collision would create a spectacular display, destroying not only the star, but swallowing up its neighbors. The ship was supposed to slip between the stars. Their course had been designed for that. The passengers slumbering in the long-sleep cots in the holds depended on that, and so did he. After the long trip was done, he would find a place in the cots himself for the return voyage home where his family waited.
He broke open the emergency console, concentrating on the scores of steps necessary to slow the ship, to bring it below light speed where it could recalibrate itself. Be calm, he thought to the computer, and its keening voice silenced for the moment. Tremaine didn’t look up. He watched his hands instead. Anything so he wouldn’t see the cascading stars. He could almost hear them: deep gravitational wells and surging gases compressed to unimaginable density at their cores. They hissed in his imagination as they went by. As he worked, he wondered if the star that would kill them all would be visible. Might he have a chance to see it, appearing as small as the others at first, then growing out and out in the vidview’s display as the computer scrambled to keep up with the data it was representing? Would he have time to flinch?
He’d quit working. His gaze locked on the viewvid. Stars appeared from nowhere, still at first, picking up speed as they moved from the center. His eye caught on one, followed it until it vanished to his left. Picked up another, followed it too, until it missed. A beautiful representation, if it weren’t so dangerous. Of course, if he really could look out a window, he wouldn’t see anything. Light in [M]-space wasn’t light anymore. Nothing his senses could respond to existed in [M]-space, and what he thought of as the ship’s movement was only a metaphor for what was happening. His understanding of [M]-space itself was metaphoric. It changed reality and the perception of reality. Still, the computer showed him a starfield, the ship rushing forward, a thousand near misses a minute.
Tremaine breathed hard. What would it be like to see one appear and never move, only grow? He felt like a child for an instant, staring forward, mesmerized. The sense that he was someone else, someone younger, a girl, gripped him. He shook his head. What if just for once, the screen changed…
…the screen changed. Brianna flinched. For a second the pixels spreading to the edge of the screen didn’t look like pixels to her anymore: not plain white specks on a flat black background (her dad’s 17-inch flat screen monitor), but glowing, moving, 3-dimensional diamonds, and the black wasn’t screen-black; it was palpable black. She let go of the monitor, then fell back into Dad’s leather office chair. For a second, she’d been someone else: a man, panicked at a console, afraid, so afraid. Afraid of what? Brianna breathed hard in the dark room. Through the closed door she could hear the Christmas party. Aunt Agnes sang something off tune. Her brother, Ray, played the piano in accompaniment. He was so much better than Agnes that he made her almost sound good.
Brianna rubbed her eyes. She played the screensaver game often. Once after smoking some of Ray’s stash. Once when she’d snuck home from school to miss a sophomore English test on Julius Caesar. Mostly when she wanted to get away. Her therapist had asked her once what her personal motto was. “Everyone has a motto. It’s what guides them in how they behave in the world. Mine is ‘Make everything right.’ I struggle with that,” said the therapist, a perky woman who rubbed her cheek when she paused between words. Brianna wondered if the cheek ever became chapped. “So what’s your motto, Brianna?”
Without thinking, Brianna said, “Ignore them, and they’ll go away.” And what she thought was, it’s about isolation. It’s about not connecting to anyone or anything, like Sylvia Plath who wrote a poem describing her stay in a hospital after a suicide attempt. Plath liked the sterility of the room. She despaired when friends brought her flowers because they broke up the porcelain and steel solace of white walls and shiny, tiled floors. Brianna loved that poem. “I’m an eyeball on a pillow,” said Brianna to the silent screen, “just observing.” Plath tried an overdose to kill herself. Brianna rested her hand on the drawer in her dad’s desk where she’d put the baggie full of barbiturates. Light blue capsules with pink logos. Ten times more than the job required.
The door to the study opened behind her. Brianna pulled her arms close, hiding in the office chair. The door closed. She’d already taken a dozen pills. If they found her now, it would be too soon. The pill’s acrid bite lingered in the back of her throat.
“I don’t know where she is,” said her father. “She’s going to miss the eggnog.”
Brianna sighed in relief. If it wasn’t the eggnog, it would be the popcorn balls, and if it wasn’t that, it would be the Christmas video. Probably It’s a Wonderful Life again or White Christmas, which wasn’t nearly as good as A Muppet’s Christmas Carol that they never watched, even though she asked for it every year.