“Zoe, is there anything else bothering you?” Mary Stuart sat down on her bed, looking worried. It wasn't like Zoe to be so high-strung, and it scared her.
“I'm all right,” she said, blowing her nose again, and taking a sip of water. But it was all so hard. She was going to die eventually, and she had nowhere to leave her daughter. She had thought of both of them in the past few days, but Tanya had never had kids, and Mary Stuart seemed to feel she was past them. They were all still young enough to have another child naturally, so it wasn't entirely out of the question, but she was afraid to ask them. And it meant telling them that she had AIDS, and despite what the doctor had just said about opening up to her friends and reaching out to them for support, she really didn't want to. But what he had told her was exactly the kind of thing she said to her patients. “I've just been working too hard,” she explained.
“Well, then,” Tanya said, trying to sound calmer than she felt. She was deeply concerned about Zoe. “Maybe this is an important lesson. Maybe when you go back you need to slow down a little bit, even take in a partner.” Zoe had thought of it too, and the only one she'd have been interested in was Sam, but she didn't think he'd want to. He had never had any interest before in sharing a practice, only in doing locum tenens.
“Don't lecture me,” she said irritably to Tanya, and surprised both of them. “You work even harder than I do.”
“No, I don't. And singing isn't nearly as stressful as taking care of dying patients.” But as she said it, Zoe started to cry again, and she felt completely foolish. She was utterly miserable and sorry she had ever come to Wyoming. She didn't want them to see her this way, it was really upsetting. “Come on, Zoe, please,” Tanya begged her. “You just feel rotten, so everything seems worse. Why don't you just stay in bed and sleep today. I'll stick around if you want, and by tonight I'll bct you'll feel better.”
“No, I won't,” she said stubbornly, suddenly angry at her fate, and what it meant for her future.
“I'll stay home,” Mary Stuart said firmly. They were fighting to take care of her, and Zoe smiled through her tears as she listened.
“I want you both to go out and play. I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I'll be okay… honest.” She was starting to calm down, and Tanya looked relieved, as they watched her. “Besides, you both have boyfriends.” She teased them and blew her nose again. In crazy ways, their lives were so much more normal, and hers wasn't.
“I wouldn't go that far,” Mary Stuart objected with a grin. “I'm sure Hartley would be thrilled to be called my ‘boyfriend.’ “
“And Gordon would go nuts if he thought anyone knew he said more than two words to me,” Tanya added.
“You guys talked for hours outside last night,” Zoe said, looking pleased but tired and leaning her head against the pillow. “Just be careful,” she warned her again, and Mary Stuart nodded. They both knew that Tanya was sensible usually, but sometimes she led with her heart, instead of her radar.
“Why don't you get some sleep,” Mary Stuart said gently and Zoe nodded, but in a funny way she didn't want them to leave her. She just wanted to be there with them, and stay close to them. It was almost as though they had become her parents.
“I have to call Sam,” she said sleepily. “I'm not even sure he can stay another week for me. If he can't, I'll have to go home no matter what and at least see some of my patients.”
“That would be really stupid,” Tanya told her. “In fact,” she looked at Mary Stuart pointedly, “we won't let you. We're holding you hostage.” Zoe laughed at them, and then tears filled her eyes again and Mary Stuart leaned over and kissed her.
Zoe was still completely overwrought, and as Mary Stuart looked at her eyes, it was as though there were someone frightened and sad trapped inside her. And somehow, she had to try one more time. She didn't want to intrude, but she wanted to help her, As she leaned over her, she asked her one last question. “Are you leveling with us? Is there anything you want to tell us?” She didn't know what made her ask, but she just sensed that Zoe was sitting on the edge and wanted to tell them something, but was afraid to. She didn't answer at first, and Tanya had been standing in the doorway and she turned and watched them, and then added her voice to Mary Stuart's.
“Zoe, is there?” They both sensed that she was keeping something from them, and they weren't sure what, but they knew it was important. “Is something wrong with you?” All of a sudden she had the overwhelming feeling that Zoe had cancer, but as she looked at them her eyes filled with tears again, and her voice was very small when she answered.
“I have AIDS, guys.” There was a deafening silence in the room, and without saying a word, Mary Stuart leaned forward and hugged her. By then, she was crying too. At least cancer might have been cured, but AIDS couldn't.
“Oh, my God,” Tanya said and walked back into the room, and sat down on the bed next to Zoe. “Oh, my God… why didn't you tell us?”
“I just found out recently. I didn't want to tell anyone. How can I take care of my patients if they think I'm sick? I have to be strong for them, and for so many people. But I've been thinking about it so much, about what it means to my life, my career… my baby. I don't even know what to do with her when I die, or if I get really sick.” She looked from one to the other then, in terror. “Will you take her?” They were the best friends she had, and she would have loved to know that Jade was with them.
“I will.” Tanya spoke up instantly, without hesitation.
“I'd love to have your baby.”
“And if for some reason, Tanya can't, I will.” Mary Stuart said it strongly and firmly, but Zoe was still worried, though grateful.
“What if you're with Bill, and he doesn't want her?”
“I'm going to leave him anyway,” she said in a clear, sure voice, and Zoe believed her. “And if for some reason I didn't, I would then for sure, if he wouldn't let me take her.” And she meant it.
“And I don't have anybody telling me what to do,” Tanya said with a warm smile, holding her friend's hand. It was small and frail and icy. “But you have to take care of yourself. You could live for a long time. You owe her that, and us, and your patients. What about this doctor covering for you? Have you told him? You're going to need his help so you don't overdo it.” It was exactly what Dr. Kroner had told her that morning. But she didn't want to tell Sam either. It was enough that Tanya and Mary Stuart knew. Now they would nag her, and worry about her, and tell her what not to do. But on the other hand they would also support her and love her. It was the same dilemma she saw with all her patients. On balance, with Tanya and Mary Stuart, she was actually glad she had told them. Now she knew that Jade could go to Tanya, and she could draw up the papers. Hopefully, it wouldn't happen for a long time, but you never knew.
“I really don't want to tell him,” Zoe said, referring to Sam. “Word would spread like wildfire, and I just don't want that. It diminishes my impact on my patients.”
“On the contrary,” Mary Stuart said seriously, “I think it increases it. They'll know then that you really know whereof you're speaking.” And then she wondered something, though she was almost embarrassed to ask her. “How did you get it, by the way?”
“A needle stick from a little girl with AIDS. She squirmed and so did I, it was just bad luck really. I wondered at the time, but I decided to be philosophical about it. I almost forgot, and then I started getting sick. I denied it for a while, and then I finally got tested. I just found out before I called you,” she said to Tanya, and Tanya sat on her bed, holding her other hand and crying.