“No, the usual horror that comes with this disease. Raging diarrhea. I really thought I was going to die last night. I'm amazed I didn't.”
“You're not going to die for a long time,” he said matter-of-factly, “I won't let you.”
“I've been through this myself, Sam,” Zoe said sadly. “Don't do this to yourself. Remember, that's how I started in this business. The man I lived with got a bad transfusion. I started the clinic because of him. But it was the hardest thing I ever did, watching him die, and I had a lot of good years with him before that. I won't do that to anyone, and I sure won't start that way. That's starting at the ending. I won't do it.”
“Do you regret you did it? Are you sorry? Do you wish you hadn't been with him?”
“No,” she said clearly. She had loved Adam till the end. But she didn't want Sam to go through what she had gone through.
“What if he had said he wouldn't let you? What if he tried to send you away?”
“He did more than once,” she smiled. “I just didn't listen. I didn't go. I wouldn't have left him,” and as she said it, she thought about what she was saying, and then faltered, “but that was different.” And then she wondered. “I would have felt cheated if I hadn't been there,” she said pensively, thinking of Sam. But in some ways she hardly knew him, in other ways she'd known him forever.
“Why are you trying to cheat me?” he said bluntly, no longer willing to be put off, or pretend, or hide his feelings. “I'm in love with you. I think I have been for years. Maybe even since Stanford. I think in those days I was just too stupid to know it. And once I figured it out, you never gave me the opportunity to say it. But I'm not going to let you stop me now. I want to be there for you… I don't care what this miserable disease does to you… I don't care if you get diarrhea, or sores on your face, or pneumonia. I want to help you stay alive, I want to do your work with you, Zoe… I care about you and Jade… please let me love you… there's too little love in the world, if we've found some, let's share it. Don't throw it away. Your having AIDS doesn't change anything, it doesn't make me not love you, it just means that what we have is more precious. I won't let you throw it away. It means too much to me…” He was crying now, and she was so moved, she couldn't speak through her own tears. “Zoe… I love you… if I weren't covering for you here, I'd get on the next plane and tell you in person, but you'd probably kill me if I did that, and left no one minding the store.” He laughed through his tears then and so did she.
“Yes, I would, so don't you dare leave the clinic.”
“I won't, but otherwise I'd be there tonight. Besides, I miss you. You've already been gone too long,” he complained.
“Sam, how can you be so crazy? How can you do this to yourself?”
“Because you don't get choices about things like this in life. You fall in love with the people you fall in love with. Sorry if it's inconvenient, sorry if you're sick. I could fall in love with some awful woman tomorrow and have her fall under a train. At least you and I know the score here. We have some time, maybe a lot, maybe a little. I'm willing to take what we can get. What about you? Are you going to waste this?”
“You'd have to be so careful.” She was still trying to discourage him, but he wouldn't listen. He was absolutely sure of what he wanted from her.
“Being careful is a small price to pay, isn't it? It's worth it. God, I miss you so much, Zoe. I just want to hold you, and make you happy.”
“Will you work with me? Full-time, I mean, or even part-time?” That was almost as important to her, maybe more so. She had a responsibility to a lot of people, even more than to herself as far as she was concerned. And she needed Sam to help her. But he was more than willing.
“I'll work with you night and day if you want,” he said, and then thought better of it. “Actually, I'll do the night and day stuff, you do a little less, please. And let's take some time for us. I don't want you wearing yourself out anymore. Let's take good care of you. All right? Just like we tell the patients. And you'd better listen to me. In your case, I'm the doctor.”
“Yes, sir,” she smiled, and wiped her eyes again. It had been an emotional morning. She had told her two best friends and Sam, and none of them had let her down, on the contrary, they were three extraordinary human beings. And then Sam startled her yet again.
“Let's get married,” he said, and she couldn't believe what she was hearing. He was truly insane, but she loved him for it. She was smiling broadly when she answered.
“You're certifiable. I won't let you do that.” She was horrified but deeply touched that he would offer.
“I would have wanted to marry you whether you had AIDS or not.” And he meant it.
“But I do, and you don't need to do that to yourself,” she said sadly.
“What if this were one of your patients? I know you. You'd tell them to do whatever made them happy and seemed right to them.”
“How do you know this is right?” she asked gently.
“Because I love you,” he said, praying she'd hear him.
“I love you too,” she said cautiously, “but let's not rush into this, let's take it slowly.” He liked what she was saying, because it meant she thought she had some time to make decisions, and that meant she was optimistic, which was important. But he really did want to marry her. But he knew he might convince her more easily in person.
“I'm awfully glad I called you today,” he said happily. “I got advice about a patient, a job, full-time preferably, and possibly a wife. This was a very fruitful conversation,” he said, and she laughed.
“I can't believe I left a lunatic like you in charge of my clinic.”
“Neither can I. But your patients love me. Think how happy they'll be when we're Dr. and Dr. Warner.”
“I have to take your name too?” She was laughing. She really did love him. She had been so fond of him for so long, but she had never allowed her feelings for him to move forward. She had been too busy taking care of her patients to let herself be anything more than a doctor, and mother,
“You can call yourself anything you like if you marry me,” Sam told her magnanimously. “I'm very openminded.”
“You're crazy,” and then she grew serious for a moment, although they were both in good spirits. “Thank you, Sam… I think you're wonderful,” she said honestly, “and I really do love you,” she said softly. “It scared me before how much I liked you, but I was determined not to get you into a mess like this. And you walked yourself right into it. You can still change your mind if you want.”
“I'm here forever,” he said calmly.
“I wish I were,” she said sadly.
“You might be. If I have anything to do with it, you will.”
“At least my work will be… and the clinic… and Jade… and you… and my friends…”
“If you ask me, it sounds like a lot to stick around for.”
“I'll do everything I can, Sam. I promise.”
“Good. Then get a lot of rest while you're there and come back healthy, and check yourself into the hospital if the diarrhea doesn't stop.”
“It has,” she said, and that reassured him.
“Drink a lot of fluids.”
“I know. I'm a doctor. Don't worry. I'll be good. I swear.”
“I love you.” It was odd. It was so totally unexpected. He was so happy suddenly. She loved him. She had AIDS, it was terrible news, and yet in some crazy way he was happy, and so was Zoe. She was still smiling when Mary Stuart and Tanya came in later after lunch to check her.
“What happened to you?” Tanya asked suspiciously. “You look like the cat that swallowed the canary.”
“I talked to Sam. He's going to come to work at the clinic full-time.”
“Wow, that's terrific,” Mary Stuart said enthusiastically, she knew what a relief that was for Zoe.