Go on. Get it over with.
But Wasserman surprised her. There was something different about him today, Jess noticed, something that went beyond Maria’s resignation. He seemed more uncertain, a look in his eyes as if he were uncomfortable with her presence. Had something else happened? she wondered. Whatever it was, it couldn’t possibly last.
“From what Jean has told me, you visited the family and you have some idea what we were dealing with so many years ago. I hope you can understand why it was necessary to take her away from that situation. And also why confidentiality was such an issue.” He sighed and shook his head. “Strange people. I can’t say I ever met them in person, but I did talk to her grandmother at the time of Sarah’s admittance. The experience was unsettling.” He was staring out and beyond her now. “A woman with strange ideas.” He focused on her suddenly and smiled, but there was no warmth held there. “Silly, isn’t it? Childish superstitions.”
“Dr. Wasserman, about Sarah. Now, you’ve brought me in here to try a different approach, you’ve agreed to give this a chance.”
“What are you getting at?”
“Just that I need you to trust me enough to let me try to get through to her.”
“Hmmm. You don’t make it easy for me, now, do you? We have rules here for the health of each patient. I don’t just make them up to amuse myself. Sarah was restrained for her own well-being, and for the good of the staff. We’re all just lucky something terrible didn’t happen.”
“I’m sorry for any harm I may have done.” Jess swallowed to keep the sour taste down. “I did what I thought was right under the circumstances.”
Wasserman took a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped his brow. “If she weren’t so improved I wouldn’t even consider it. But we all want the same thing here.” He studied Jess’s face as if he would find the answer in her expression. Finally he folded the handkerchief into neat little squares, smoothed the creases, and stuck it back in his pocket. “I’ll have her brought up to the play area. You may have an hour in there during each session together if you like. No more than that, I don’t want her to backslide.”
“Thank you, Dr. Wasserman.”
“Just don’t disappoint me.”
—13—
As her routine and surroundings changed, Jess began to feel more at home in the facility.
On the days she did not have class, she would arrive each morning at nine o’clock. The janitor and handyman, Jeffrey, would let her into the playroom, then take up a quiet vigil in the corner, arms crossed. Apparently he had been told that his duties during Jess’s visits would include acting as a chaperone.
Almost in spite of herself, Jess liked the man, maybe because he always seemed to be around, and he seemed to genuinely enjoy the children. He rarely interfered in any way during their sessions. In fact, she often forgot he was even there. Wasserman had insisted that he was trustworthy, if a bit slow, and that whatever they spoke of would most likely go right over his head, so she shouldn’t worry about what was said around him.
All that seemed to be true. He did not talk much. After Sarah arrived in the room he would smile at her, and then make a show of studying the bookshelves or cleaning up the toys.
During the first three visits to the playroom, Sarah sat quietly at the little table near the window. They were careful to keep her visits at times when other children were not around. She was clearly more alert, her eyes following movement, but she would not speak again or get up from her chair until an orderly arrived to return her to her room.
Jess spent the hours talking about what had happened during the previous day, or problems she was having with a paper or an exam, or she sketched, or simply took notes on Sarah’s condition. Sometimes she felt as if she was getting more out of the sessions than Sarah herself.
On the fourth visit, however, something had changed. Sarah was already waiting for her in the playroom, dressed in a simple blue jumpsuit and standing by the window.
Jess hardly recognized her at first. Her hair had been brushed and held away from her face with a band, and her eyes were alert and bright, though ringed with dark circles like bruises. She looked almost pretty, in a plain, backwoods sort of way.
Her breasts are starting to show, Jess thought with some surprise. She’s so young. Is it just something I hadn’t noticed before?
The air hung heavy and still. Sunlight fell in squares through the wire mesh windows onto the maroon carpet and children’s toys. A large plastic tube to crawl through, and a low, yellow plastic slide. More toys lay abandoned along the edges of the room; nothing sharp or heavy, everything plastic and worn smooth from hundreds of tiny hands. Jess noticed the sink the little girl had been playing with the first time she had come here. She wondered about Dennis, the autistic young man in the baseball cap, whether he had anywhere else to go, whether they would ever release him. What had he said to her that first day? / make her spirit glow.
The room was empty except for the three of them, Sarah, Jess, and Jeffrey standing motionless now in the corner. Jess caught Sarah’s eyes darting left and right. Her eyes settled on the man for a moment, something glowing there, a spark of emotion. Then back to Jess’s face.
How long has it been? she wondered. How long since you’ve been aware of something other than the padded walls of that cell, or the walls inside your own mind?
As she stood there, dumbfounded, Sarah crossed the room without a word and took her hand. Her grip was like that of a swimmer clinging to the rocks in deep water.
She convinced Jeffrey to lock the doors and leave them alone, promising to behave herself. He told her he would be right outside, and to call if she needed anything.
“Go ahead,” Jess said to the girl, after he had left. “You can do what you want in here, play with what you like. No rules.”
Jess let Sarah explore the room slowly. She sat in a molded plastic chair near the door and watched without speaking as Sarah picked up a naked plastic doll, and discarded it; then a set of soft cloth blocks with pictures of animals; then a bright yellow plastic plate and spoon from a child’s tea set. The girl moved easily, her visible symptoms almost completely gone.
Jess wondered again why Wasserman had had such a sudden change of heart since he had agreed to move the sessions upstairs. He had hardly spoken with her at all the past week. Do not allow her to touch you. From restraints and unsettling warnings to almost complete freedom. Had he simply seen an astonishing improvement and rewarded it? It seemed unlikely, considering his distrust. Why wouldn’t he just assume Sarah was playing more games, waiting for another chance to escape?
Sarah climbed up the colorful little slide and sat at the top, then climbed down. She went and looked inside the plastic tunnel. She went to the window and stood on tiptoes, looking out into the sunlight for a long time. Then she turned away and picked up a picture book from the built-in shelves on the opposite wall, and carried it with her to a smaller chair near a child’s table, where she sat with it in her lap, looking at the cover.