The Real Life of Sebastian Knight

'I have made dis,' he said, 'because you are to me sympathetic. But [he looked at me with mild appeal in his bright brown eyes] but please, I fink it is ewsyless. You can't see de odder side of de moon. Please donnt search de woman. What is past is past. She donnt remember your brodder.'

'I shall jolly well remind her,' I said grimly.

'As you desire,' he muttered squaring his shoulders and buttoning up his coat. He got up. 'Good djorney,' he said without his usual smile.

'Oh, wait a bit, Mr Silbermann, we've got to settle something. What do I owe you?'

'Yes, dat is correct,' he said seating himself again. 'Moment.' He unscrewed his fountain-pen, jotted down a few figures, looked at them tapping his teeth with me holder: 'Yes, sixty-eight francs.'

'Well, that's not much,' I said, 'won't you perhaps…'

'Wait,' he cried, 'dat is false. I have forgotten… do you guard dat notice-book dat I give, gave you?'

'Why, yes,' I said, 'in fact, I've begun using it. You see… I thought…'

'Den it is not sixty-eight,' he said, rapidly revising his addition, 'It is… It is only eighteen, because de book costs fifty. Eighteen francs in all, Travelling depences…'

'But,' I said, rather flabbergasted at his arithmetic….

'No, dat's now right,' said Mr Silbermann,

I found a twenty franc coin though I would have gladly given him a hundred times as much, if he had only let me.

'So,' he said, 'I owe you now…. Yes, dat's right. Eighteen and two make twenty,' He knitted his brows. 'Yes, twenty. Dat's yours,' He put my coin on the table and was gone.

I wonder how I shall send him this work when it is finished: the funny little man has not given me his address, my head was too full of other things to think of asking him for it, But if he ever does come across The Real Life of Sebastian Knight I should like him to know how grateful I am for his help. And for the notebook. It is well filled by now, and I shall have a new set of pages clipped in when these are completed.

After Mr Silbermann had gone I studied at length the four addresses he had so magically obtained for me, and I decided to begin with the Berlin one. If that proved a disappointment I should be able to grapple with a trio of possibilities in Paris without undertaking another long journey, a journey all the more enervating because then I should know for sure I was playing my very last card. If on the contrary, my first try was lucky, then…. But no matter…. Fate amply rewarded me for my decision.

Large wet snowflakes were drifting aslant the Passauer Strasse in West-Berlin as I approached an ugly old house, its face half-hidden in a mask of scaffolding, I tapped on the glass of the porter's lodge, a muslin curtain was roughly drawn aside, a small window was knocked open and a blowsy old woman gruffly informed me that Frau Helene Grinstein did live in the house. I felt a queer little shiver of elation and went up the stairs. 'Grinstein', said a brass plate on the door.

A silent boy in a black tie with a pale swollen face let me in and without so much as asking my name, turned and walked down the passage. There was a crowd of coats on the rack in the tiny hall. A bunch of snow-wet chrysanthemums lay on the table between two solemn top hats. As no one seemed to come, I knocked at one of the doors, then pushed it open and then shut it again. I had caught a glimpse of a dark-haired little girl, lying fast asleep on a divan, under a mole-skin coat. I stood for a minute in the middle of the hall. I wiped my face which was still wet from snow. I blew my nose. Then I ventured down the passage. A door was ajar and I caught the sound of low voices, speaking in Russian. There were many people in the two large rooms joined by a kind of arch. One or two faces turned towards me vaguely as I strolled in, but otherwise my entry did not arouse the slightest interest. There were glasses with half-finished tea on the table, and a plateful of crumbs. One man in a comer was reading a newspaper. A woman in a grey shawl was sitting at the table with her cheek propped on her hand and a tear-drop on her wrist. Two or three other persons were sitting quite still on the divan. A little girl rather like the one I had seen sleeping was stroking an old dog curled up on a chair. Somebody began to laugh or gasp or something in the adjacent room, where there were more people sitting or wandering about. The boy who had met me in the hall passed carrying a glass of water and I asked him in Russian whether I might speak to Mrs Helene Grinstein.

'Aunt Elena,' he said to the back of a dark slim woman who was bending over an old man hunched up in an armchair. She came up to me and invited me to walk into a small parlour on the other side of the passage. She was very young and graceful with a small powdered face and long soft eyes which appeared to be pulled up towards the temples. She wore a black jumper and her hands were as delicate as her neck.

'Kahk eto oojahsno… isn't it dreadful?' she whispered.

I replied rather foolishly that I was afraid I had called at the wrong moment.

'Oh,' she said, 'I thought…' She looked at me. 'Sit down,' she said, 'I thought I saw your face just now at the funeral…. No? Well, you see, my brother-in-law has died and…. No, no, sit down. It has been an awful day.'

'I don't want to disturb you,' I said, 'I'd better go… I only wanted to talk to you about a relation of mine… whom I think you knew… at Blauberg… but it does not matter….

'Blauberg? I have been there twice,' she said and her face twitched as the telephone began ringing somewhere.

'His name was Sebastian Knight,' I said looking at her unpainted tender trembling lips.

'No, I have never heard that name,' she said, 'no.'

'He was half-English,' I said, 'be wrote books.'

She shook her head and then turned to the door which had been opened by the sullen boy, her nephew.

'Sonya is coming up in half an hour,' he said. She nodded and he withdrew.

In fact I did not know anyone at the hotel,' she continued. I bowed and apologized again.

'But what is your name,' she asked peering at me with her dim soft eyes which somehow reminded me of Clare. 'I think you mentioned it, but today my brain seems to be in a daze…. Ach,' she said when I had told her. 'But that sounds familiar. Wasn't there a man of that name killed in a duel in St Petersburg? Oh, your father? I see. Wait a minute. Somebody… just the other day… somebody had been recalling the case. How funny…. It always happens like that, in heaps. Yes… the Rosanovs…. They knew your family and all that….'

'My brother had a school-fellow called Rosanov,' I said.

'You'll find them in the telephone book,' she went on rapidly, 'you see, I don't know them very well, and I am quite incapable just now of looking up anything.'

She was called away and I wandered alone toward the hall. There I found an elderly gentleman pensively sitting on my overcoat and smoking a cigar. At first he could not quite make out what I wanted but then was effusively apologetic.

Somehow I felt sorry it had not been Helene Grinstein. Although of course she never could have been the woman who had made Sebastian so miserable. Girls of her type do not smash a man's life – they build it. There she had been steadily managing a house that was bursting with grief and had found it possible to attend to the fantastic affairs of a completely superfluous stranger. And not only had she listened to me, she had given me a tip which I then and there followed, and though the people I saw had nothing to do with Blauberg and the unknown woman, I collected one of the most precious pages of Sebastian's life. A more systematic mind than mine would have placed them in the beginning of this book, but my quest had developed its own magic and logic and though I sometimes cannot help believing that it had gradually grown into a dream, that quest, using the pattern of reality for the weaving of its own fancies, I am forced to recognize that I was being led right, and that in striving to render Sebastian's life I must now follow the same rhythmical interlacements.