“Shh, it’s okay,” she said. “Whatever it is, it’s okay.”
“No, no it’s not,” Edward said. “I killed her.”
She stopped rocking with him for a moment, then caught herself and joined him again in the gentle movements. “Who? Who did you kill?”
“Dana. I killed my Dana.” He knew that wasn’t technically true, since Dana had really been the one to take her own life, assuring that there was no way she would come back like her parents had, but it was true enough. And saying that he had killed her didn’t even feel as horrible as the truth. Simply killing his only daughter would have been the better option.
“Edward, it was just a dream.”
“No. No it wasn’t. She’s dead. She’s been dead all this time and I ate…” He couldn’t allow himself to finish. It was too much. Everything everyone had been saying about him all this time was true. He was not human. He was a monster, a disgusting thing that had no right to continue existing on this Earth. “Kill me,” he said. “Please, for the love of all that’s holy, you have to kill me now.”
“Edward, no. I won’t.”
“Kill me! I’m nothing! I’m a thing! I can’t…I don’t want to…”
“No,” she said softly. The word was so calm that it brought him back to himself a little, at least enough that he was able to look her in the eye.
“I don’t deserve to live,” he said.
“I won’t kill you, and I won’t let you hurt yourself either,” she said. “Not now, not ever.”
“But I’m a monster.”
“I never believed that, and I never will. That wasn’t you. You had no control over it. But you have control now, and I believe you’re strong enough to face it. You can go on. And I can help you, if you want me to.”
He saw that soft look in her eyes again, the same one he’d seen by the fire. She meant every word of it. She really believed. He didn’t think he’d be able to believe any of that without her.
There was no flutter in his chest this time, no anxious moment of anticipation. He moved his head toward hers, and the angle of his body against hers made the whole act clumsy, but their lips still met. Liddie was too shocked to do anything at first, but as soon as she recovered she pushed back, returning his kiss and gripping him tight to her. With her hands holding him he no longer shivered, and he moved around trying to get into a less awkward position without breaking contact. His hands brushed against her breasts, and although his first instinct was to recoil from the touch and apologize profusely he instead let them hover there, lightly touching them and enjoying the way they rose and fell against his palm. Then his hand went lower, sliding over the swell of her chest and down her stomach. Her own hands began to move lower, but they stopped just above his waist. She pulled away slightly, breaking the kiss, and spoke quietly through gasping breaths.
“Edward, are you sure you’re ready?”
“I don’t know.”
“I don’t want you doing this if you’re going to regret it later.”
“Later I might regret not doing it.” She nodded. He wondered idly if this was love for her. It might be. He knew it wasn’t for him, not yet, but he thought it quite easy for the day to come when it was. She wasn’t Julia, and she never would be. But she was someone just as wonderful, just as beautiful, just as strong. He didn’t deserve her. A monster like him deserved nothing. And yet somehow she disagreed. She saw the man he had once been and could be again. He pressed his hand harder against her stomach and continued down as they kissed again, and she reached for the zipper of his coveralls.
The moment was awkward as they both removed each other’s clothes. The van had seemed spacious enough earlier, but now the roof seemed lower as they bumped it taking off their shirts, and the seat felt too small to accommodate both their bodies lying down, even one on top of the other. Yet at the same time the location seemed strangely right. They’d met in one of these vans, and now they were moving to the next level in one. But that was nothing compared to how correct it felt to Edward to touch her smooth bare skin. She was warm, full of life, so much different than anything he had felt for nearly fifty years. Touching her brought home the reality she had been trying to instill in him moments earlier. She was right in that he was different. He wasn’t a lifeless monster. He had blood pumping through his veins just like her.
As they made love the time seemed to have no meaning, just like when he’d walked the planet without any real life in his body, but unlike then he could still attach meaning to the moment. It was not a perfect moment, but he knew it was what they both needed. It was what they both had to have in order to feel truly alive.
They finished with her on top, and with a deep, satisfied breath she gently let herself down to lie over him on the seat. He held her back firmly, enjoying every time her chest pressed against his from her breath. She chuckled softly for no apparent reason.
“Something funny?” he asked.
“No, not something you’d find funny at least.”
“How do you know without trying it on me?”
“Heh. Well, the thought just occurred to me that you’re pretty okay at that for someone who hasn’t practiced in fifty years.”
He chuckled too. “Better yet, think of it this way. You just made love to someone old enough to be your grandfather.”
“Ew, we’re not even going to talk about that. For all intents and purposes in my mind you’re only a few years older. Which is funny, since I’m the one who’s completely exhausted. You look like you could go again.”
He said nothing to that, instead caressing her back and enjoying the way it felt under his hand. She felt a little cold, though. Next time they would need to find themselves a blanket or something.
“Edward?” she asked. “Are you going to be okay? I mean, both about us and about, you know, what you remembered?”
“We’ll deal with any problems as they come up. Right now, are you okay?”
“I… I just feel cold, is all.”
“We should get you dressed again. We can snuggle again after that.”
“No, not yet. Don’t let… let… don’t let go…”
She started shivering against him.
“Liddie? Is something wrong?”
“Edward? Don’t let… Edward?”
“Jesus, Liddie. You’re practically shaking. Are you sure…” He looked into her eyes, knowing instantly that look. She was scared. Terrified, in fact. Somewhere among all the memories that he had recovered since waking up, something about this moment seemed familiar, but his brain wouldn’t let him face it yet.
Her chest heaved several times against him in quick succession, and then stopped.
“Liddie? Liddie, what’s going…” That mental block in his head finally moved, and he realized exactly what was happening. “No, oh God no. Liddie! Wake up! Don’t do this!”
There was nothing really for her to wake up from. Her eyes were still open, staring directly down into his, but they were unfocused, without any inner light. She moved, squirming slightly on top of him, but there was no rhythm or purpose to any of it. Her chest didn’t move, and there was no rhythmic thumping of her heart from behind her breast. But worst of all was the way she smelled, starting off small and barely noticeable but growing quickly.
Edward continued to hold her tight, calling her name softly as the van filled with the scent of honey.