♦
Are you going to say grace? asked Richard, which created an unexpected silence. He scanned the room. Melissa was grinning. Have I put my foot in it somehow?
Not at all, said Daisy. She lowered her head. For what we are about to receive, may the Lord make us truly thankful. Amen.
They sat down and Dominic pushed the big slotted spoon into the pie and Benjy said, I want lots of cheesy topping.
Louisa leant in close to Angela and whispered, What was all that about? and Angela said, Oh, it’s nothing.
But Daisy could feel the coin flipping again, because it wasn’t a fait accompli. You couldn’t give your faith away like that. It wasn’t a coat or a bicycle, it was a language in which you’d learnt to speak and think. God be in my head and in my understanding. Prayer, faith, redemption, consolation, how did you hold the world together without these things?
Richard shifted carefully in his chair, trying to find the least uncomfortable position, the Nurofen not quite taking the edge off. He looked across the table at Louisa. He had been humbled. Was that too dramatic a word? He had always seen his self-sufficiency as an admirable quality, a way of not imposing upon other people, but he could see now that it was an insult to those close to you. He had never been interested enough in Louisa’s opinions, her thoughts, her tastes, her life. A stab of shame. If this becomes a habit you will find yourself in great difficulty later in life.
Daisy glanced sideways at Melissa, trying not to catch her eye. Had she misunderstood completely? Was this simply one more stage in her spiritual journey, a test she had failed and must retake? She tried to unpick her thoughts and feelings but there were too many. That smashed plate, so hard to see the broken pattern. The afternoon with Jack, Melissa pulling down her knickers to show her the bluebird tattoo. She is pretty fit, though. Lauren’s hand in the cold dawnlight, images so vivid she was scared to bring them before her mind’s eye for fear that they would spill out and be visible to everyone. The Lord is the stronghold of my life.
♦
Dominic got a signal a couple of hundred yards up the road. He turned and leant against a fence and looked back down towards the house, golden windows swimming in the gathering dark. He could feel his heart beating. As always, the desire to carry on walking, to put this all behind him, over the hills and far away. He had to do it now, the longer it went on the more he would hurt her. Seven rings, eight. The hope that she wouldn’t answer.
Dom.
Amy.
I’d almost given up on you.
We’re in a valley. The reception is non-existent. Sinister, the pleasure one got from lying well. How’s Andrew?
He’s doing OK.
He felt cheated. You said he had to go into hospital.
He should be out tomorrow.
I thought he had pneumonia.
So did the doctors.
Had she been lying, too? It would make him feel better. Listen.
What?
Do it. I’ve realised something. Over the last few days.
Dom?
You and me.
What are you saying?
I’m saying…
I love you, Dom. Crying now.
But she didn’t love him, did she, she needed him, that was all, needed someone. This was not his job.
Don’t do this to me, Dom.
The way she said his name, like a child tugging at his sleeve, she suffocated him. How was it possible to explain that? A sudden anger at the way she used her weakness to manipulate him.
Dom?
I’ve made a mess of everything. It was meant to be a performance but he had unexpectedly stumbled on the truth. I have to stop running away. A balloon swelling and rising inside him. From work, from responsibility, from Angela, from Daisy, from Alex, from Benjy. Why had he not done this before?
I don’t know what I would do without you. Is this real? Or is she crying wolf? You’re leaving me.
He let this hang. He felt shitty and noble at the same time, but people did this every day, hurting people for the greater good. Collateral damage.
And you’re doing it over the fucking phone.
The anger in her voice gave him more purchase. You want me to lie now and say it to your face when we next meet?
I want you not to treat me like dirt.
The Japanese paper lantern, her little breasts, the way her hip bones stuck out when she lay on her back. Suddenly he wanted her. What if he cashed in his advantage and re-established the relationship on more advantageous terms?
I’m not letting you do this to me, Dom.
The phone went dead and the great silence flooded in. The coloured screen hovered in the dark, then dimmed. She had outplayed him. He was angry that she managed to have the last word and frightened that it might not be the last. He had never thought before about what she might do to herself, or to him, or to his family. He put the phone back in his pocket and turned to look up the hill. A monumental wave of absolute dark that looked as if it was about to crash down upon him.
♦
It seemed like a good time to mend fences after the marijuana thing and the Richard thing and the kiss thing so she offered to help Mum wash up after supper and while they were doing the glasses, she said, I have some excellent gossip.
I’m not sure I want to hear this.
Daisy’s gay.
OK…said Louisa carefully. This was what scared her. How good Melissa was at keeping you on the back foot. The hoarder and user of secrets.
She tried to kiss me.
Melissa was too good a liar to risk inventing something as wild as this.
When we were out for a walk. She took the tea towel off the rail of the Aga and folded it neatly into a square one-eighth of its original size. I said it wasn’t really my thing.
It was a peace offering, something freshly killed brought back to the cave. Louisa didn’t want to be part of this, but it was too intriguing to drop. I thought she was a Christian.
I think she might be having a bit of trouble in that department.
Then Louisa put two and two together. The girls were friendly, then they weren’t friendly. Were you horrid to her about it?
I’m just worried about her, that’s all. Regaining her balance after being wrong-footed.
That wasn’t what I asked you.
Like I said, I told her I wasn’t into that kind of stuff.
Nor was that.
Why do you have to blame everything on me? Why is it always me who’s done something wrong? She spun and swept out of the kitchen.
Louisa would find a way of talking to Daisy tomorrow, apologise for whatever her daughter had done this time.