She didn’t get the joke, poor thing (she wasn’t even a blonde…), but after that, the buffet line was the most-downloaded sound bite on the internet for three weeks straight.
See what I mean? Priceless.
Jack and I had agreed that I was never to take things personally when he said he wasn’t seeing anyone. And in fact, he was now using the interviews to talk directly to me.
“Listen up, Nuts Girl. When I say, ‘I don’t have a girlfriend,’ what I want you to hear in that tiny little head of yours is, ‘I love you, Grace,’” he instructed on the phone late one night. “When you hear me say, ‘No, I’m not seeing anyone right now,’ what you need to hear is, ‘Yes, yes, I am, and she has the best tits in the free world.’ Can you do that, please?”
“Yes, sir. I’ll listen for your secret messages. Jeez, this is so cloak and dagger. You’d think you were a spy or something.” I laughed.
“Maybe we can role play that specific scenario next time I see you—although I’m not sure how you’d take to being dipped entirely in gold.”
This quickly turned into a discussion of whether I would indulge his Bondian fantasies in the future, although frankly I think he just enjoyed torturing me with the words “Pussy Galore”—emphasis, of course, on one word in particular.
He really did get into the girlfriend question now, and he relished finding new ways to make sure I knew he was thinking of me. I found I could tell when he was really missing me, because he’d deny it more forcefully, sometimes adding a “Girls never talk to me.”
I made sure to give him a little more phone boom-boom on those nights.
***
Rehearsals were going really well, and the show was coming together. Michael was finally pleased with the tone of the script, and his rewrites were limited now to simple phrasing changes. It was a real show.
We now worked exclusively in a small black box theater, but because we weren’t putting up a full production, we used a limited set. The show relied heavily on its music and the work of the actors to demonstrate what it could be, if it were to receive full backing. The process was thrilling, and as we approached the preview dates, I became more and more nervous.
I was relying heavily on Michael for guidance, as his vision for my character, Mabel, was absolute. He leaned on me for moral support as well, as this was his first attempt at a musical of any kind. He had a writing partner for the score, but the spoken words, the lyrics, the melodies were all Michael O’Connell.
We’d slipped back into our old college ways. The shorthand we used made it infuriating for anyone else to try to get a word in edgewise when we were on one of our tangents, cracking each other up into fits of crying laughter. We argued about music, movies, politics—oh boy, did we argue about politics. This subject almost caused an actual fight one day at lunch when I threatened to remove his Adam’s apple with my spork if he didn’t agree with what I said about healthcare. Needless to say, people stopped wanting to dine with us.
I’d forgotten how thoroughly I used to rely on him back then. He was like my own cute little moral compass. He called me on my shit, he extolled my virtues when I needed propping up, and he knocked me down a few pegs when I got too big for my britches. But we’d been college students when we were friends before. We were still figuring out who we were, and since we were in drama, we did it in a big way. Now that we were adults—at least chronologically—we’d mellowed, slightly. I realized the quirky emo boy I knew in my twenties had evolved into a fully formed, wonderfully smart and funny man in his thirties. He’d been seasoned in the post-college years, and although he’d kept the idiosyncrasies that would forever link him to that boy in the Ministry T-shirt, he was all grown up.
He was a brilliant businessman who conducted his business in old Timberland boots, faded jeans, and a North Face hoodie—all the while chewing Fruit Stripe gum. He had investors lining up to consider backing this show, and he did it all with the same charm and subtlety that had won over the girls back in the day. He was incredibly charming and funny, and the years had only intensified his draw on the opposite sex.
Hot guy? Of course. Funny hot guy? All the more enticing.
I was his gut check when he needed a reminder that the show was fantastic—and he really had written an amazing show. He was my gut check when I got nervous about all the investors and critics coming to see the show (and me) in mere weeks.
Christ in a sidecar—critics!
But he handled me. And I handled him. That’s what friends do. Our friendship was symbiotic, complementary, and, I slowly realized, becoming a wee bit blurry around the edges.
I knew what had been going on when Jack was in town. It just took Leslie to drag it out of The Drawer and into my face. The fact that I pushed my own shit to the side meant sometimes I pushed other people’s fairly obvious shit off to the side too. Michael had always been a little territorial when it came to me, and even though it had been years since I brought some new guy over to sit on the quad with us after class, he was still the same way. We’d fallen into our old ways again so quickly when I came to New York—it seemed perfectly logical that he would react that way to Jack.
***
Michael’s sister, Keili, came to town about a week after Jack’s visit, and I was thrilled to see her. She was a few years older than us, but she had gone to the same college. Holly and I used to spend the night at her apartment freshman year when we needed to get out of the dorm. This usually meant Michael would spend the night too, and since it was college, this meant we all ended up snuggling on Keili’s futon in the living room. We passed the bong, ate ramen, listened to Alanis, and talked about what we wanted to be when we grew up.
I was running a little late for rehearsal and came dashing in babbling apologies. I saw a pretty brunette talking to Michael at the front of the theater, and when she turned, I saw that it was Keili. She looked the same: sparkling brown eyes, sweet loving face…and a giant belly. My eyes flew open in astonishment as I raced down the aisle.
“Keili!” I exclaimed, hugging her fiercely.
“Grace, it’s so good to see you,” she said, with an equally forceful hug.
“Jesus, you’re huge!” I said, taking in her very pregnant state.
“Ugh, I know. Four more weeks and then he’s out of me.” She grimaced.
“He? It’s a boy?” I asked, smiling at her glowing-but-frowning face.
“Oh yeah. Add that to the two we already have at home and you’ll see why I’m never allowing my husband to have s-e-x with me again.” She laughed ruefully.
“You might want to check with Shane on that one, sis. I don’t know that any man is happy when you take away the s-e-x,” I heard Michael say, and I turned to see him, arms full of toddler.
“Who is this?” I asked, walking over to see.
“This little rugrat is my niece Abigail,” he said, turning her upside down as she giggled and squealed.
“Stop it, Uncle Michael. You stop it!” she said, red faced.
He turned her right side up and placed her on the ground. She ran away, spinning slightly as she caught her balance, and then continued on her path, weaving back and forth between the rows.
“So what is she, like, six?” I asked, mentally doing the math.
“Grace, she’s three,” Michael chided, looking at me incredulously.
“Oh shit, I don’t know—anyone under about fourth grade looks the same to me. Can they read at that age?” I frowned, crinkling my nose. I truly was clueless.
“Shit, shit, shit, shit…” I heard Abigail chattering as she ran back and forth.
Michael raised his eyebrows at me. “Grace, you can’t swear around kids. Either spell it or, better yet, just think before you speak.”
Keili laughed silently, watching the exchange.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean it.” I blushed furiously.
“Don’t let him fool you,” said Keili. “Who do you think taught her the word ‘asshole?’” She mouthed the last word.