But when all was said and done, Seth wasn’t sure he could share those feelings. He wasn’t sure he could share Leah with Kaden.
If he didn’t take that one final step, it wasn’t so painful for him to watch her walk through that bedroom door every night and close it and know she was curled up with his best friend.
Guilt wouldn’t eat him alive over the jealousy he felt.
Because if he didn’t take that last step, she was still just Kaden’s wife, and his personal guilt over getting involved with her was limited in scope. He felt he had no right to stake a claim to her if he didn’t claim her in the first place.
If he didn’t claim her, maybe Kaden wouldn’t die.
Conscious thought escaped him as she brought him close and finally gave him release. He bucked his hips in time with her hands, softly moaning as he shot off all over her fingers.
He felt her kiss his back, between his shoulder blades.
“How was that?” she whispered.
“Good,” he said, his voice ragged. He couldn’t face her. He gently patted her arm. “Thank you. Let me finish up, and I’ll be out in a little bit for breakfast.”
“Okay.”
He didn’t move until he heard her leave the bathroom. Then he leaned against the wall, laid his forehead against his arm, and silently cried.
Kaden was working in his study when Seth emerged from his bedroom a little while later. If Leah noticed his red eyes, she said nothing. She was once again dressed in a long T-shirt.
“Here’s your breakfast.”
He tried not to look her in the eye. “Thank you, hon.”
She left him alone, perhaps sensing his disquiet. She was always good about that. Like she clued in and seemed to know when to hover and when to clear out.
Maybe that was one of the things that made her a good slave.
God, he couldn’t get used to using that word when referring to Leah.
He didn’t want to face Kaden yet. He really didn’t want to feel the force of Leah’s eyes on him either. He retrieved a six-foot singletail and took it out to the backyard, started practicing on a tree. Kaden had told him if he could start taking the tips off of leaves without knocking the leaf off the tree, he’d be on his way to mastering it.
Seth would be happy if he could just hit the freaking tree.
He worked for over an hour, taking his time, trying for accuracy instead of power. When his arm had reached its limit for throwing the whip, Seth sat in the shade under one of the large live oaks toward the back of the property, his back against the trunk, facing the woods. Their property bordered a large state park, a nature reserve. It wasn’t unusual to see deer early in the morning or late in the evening.
What the fuck was he doing? Why was he holding out? Part of him called himself a fucking dumbass. That part was located immediately north of his testicles and south of his navel.
Kaden wanted him to do it. Leah wanted him to do it. His own body wanted him to do it.
His heart and mind and conscience wouldn’t let him do it.
Seth closed his eyes. What they were asking him to do went against every grain of his being. Yes, some of the BDSM stuff was easier to deal with now. He imagined making love to Leah was yet another milestone he’d have to deal with. He spent his life in mediocrity and he damn well knew it. He hadn’t gone to college, had joined the Army to try to figure out what to do with his life. Kaden was always the smart one, the one with his shit together. And while Seth knew he wasn’t a stellar success in his life, he’d tried to always deal honestly and honorably. He’d never cheated on his wives or girlfriends—ever. He’d never knowingly gone out with a woman who was already involved with someone else.
Fucking his best friend’s wife was not honorable.
No matter how much all three of them wanted it.
He couldn’t put it off much longer.
He sat there for over an hour when he heard footsteps in the grass. He knew from the sound it was Kaden.
“Can I join you?”
Seth nodded.
Kaden stretched out in the shade. “What’s on your mind?”
He shrugged. “Lots of stuff. Just trying to make a bunch of freaking square pegs fit in round holes.”
“BFH.”
Seth laughed. “Yeah. Bigger fucking hammer time, all right.” He was quiet for a moment. “I know you probably think I’m a chickenshit.”
“I don’t think that about you. I never have. I never will, either.”
“Come on, Kade. You’re the successful big-shot attorney. I’m the fuckup. Let’s face it, even when we were kids, everyone thought of me as your mercy friend. I still don’t know why you liked me all these years.”
“Because you’re my friend. Because you didn’t give a shit that I was a big-shot attorney. You were always willing to volunteer to help me with projects or just come over and hang out, and you never asked me for anything.”
“Bullshit! I’ve asked you for tons of stuff over the years.”
Kaden rolled over onto his back and stared up at the branches. “I don’t give a shit about favors and stuff. You never asked me for anything you couldn’t give back in return. You never tried to use me. You never tried to ask me for money. You never tried to get free legal advice from me. When you got divorced, you never asked me to handle your cases or even for a referral. I had to practically force you to take Mike’s name and number. I’ve always been ‘just Kaden’ to you.”
“Yeah, well who the hell else would you be?”
“That’s my point.” He leveled his grey eyes at Seth. “I don’t trust my own brother and sister the way I trust you. I sure as hell don’t like them the way I love you.”
Seth was quiet for a moment. He smirked. “Still not doing you.”
Kaden laughed. “Me either.” They sat there for several long, quiet minutes while two squirrels chattered and chased each other in the branches overhead. “What’s really going on?” Kaden quietly asked. “It’s more than feeling guilty.”
Seth shrugged.
“This has to—absolutely must—happen…before. You know that.”
Seth shrugged again. “I know.”
“You didn’t have a problem with it that one time.”
“Uh, yeah, thanks to the freaking tequila. Oh, and, by the way, she wasn’t your wife.”
“It’s more than that.” Kaden sat up. “You can’t put off the inevitable on my end by putting off the inevitable on yours. This is for her. I want to see her happy. I meant it when I said she’s fantasized about you plenty of nights. Let’s make her dream come true while we still can.”
“Be a little more fucking eager to pimp your wife out, why dontcha?”
“Damn it, it’s not the same thing and you know it!”
Seth stewed. He did. He also didn’t want to admit the truth.
“This week, you’re taking Leah to the club. Alone. Tony will be there if you have questions.”
Seth’s jaw clenched. “I don’t think I’m ready.”
“Yes, you are. You’re a damn sight more ready than most of the asshole wannabes that show up. Leah trusts you to take her. Just go, play an easy scene, and come home. That’s all you have to do.”
Seth didn’t respond.
“You need that alone time with her.”
“Fuck, Kade, that’s taking you away from her. She doesn’t have much time left with you!”
“Is that what this is about?” he quietly asked. “That you feel guilty you’re spending time with her and it’s taking time away from me?”
Seth didn’t answer. That was part of it, but not all.
“I already told you, we’ve got a big bed. Feel free to sleep in it with us every night.”