Kaden’s dying.
Kaden stretched back, an amused smile on his face. “We’re married, not dead. No, we don’t sleep with other people.” His smile faded. “Before now. This will be a first for us.”
“I’m so not doing you, buddy.” How much more did Seth not know about Kaden?
And how much did he not want to know?
Kaden laughed. “Don’t worry. I don’t swing that way either.” His voice softened. “Remember that girl that one time?”
Seth finally laughed. “Yeah. Jillian.” He shook his head. “Man, she turned us every which way but loose that night. Well worth the two-day hangover that rotgut tequila gave me.”
The men fell quiet again for a moment until Kaden broke the silence. “We talk, Leah and me. We use fantasy. You’ve played a starring role in hers more than a few times.”
Seth reddened, simultaneously embarrassed and oddly pleased. “Yeah?”
Kaden nodded. “That’s another reason I thought of you first. I know she can love you. She will be as good for you as you will for her.”
Seth studied his hands. “I cannot believe you are telling me it’s okay to fuck your wife.”
“My life has changed a lot in the past few days, buddy. My whole way of thinking has changed.” Kaden removed his glasses and closed his eyes, pinched the bridge of his nose, rubbed it. “I know her,” he softly said. “If I don’t hook the two of you up before… If something doesn’t happen between you two, it won’t. She won’t let it. She’ll feel too guilty, and that will leave her open to something horrible happening.” He opened his eyes and looked at Seth again. “And let’s face it. After, you’d normally not ask her out, right?”
Seth swallowed hard. “Right,” he softly agreed.
Kaden sadly smiled. “I have to do this. I don’t like that I have to make arrangements like this.” His smile faded. “We should have had fifty or more years together.” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I want her to be happy, Seth. I want her to love and live and not spend her years in a black hole. Worse, I don’t want her to kill herself.”
“You think she’d do that?” One more worry on Seth’s plate.
“Not if she has you. She’ll have you to serve and take care of her. She’ll hurt, she’ll grieve, but if she has you she’ll keep putting one foot in front of the other. She won’t have a choice.” He opened his eyes again. Seth saw he was near tears. “I’m not saying you’ve got to do anything with her tonight. I’m saying you need to let things happen between the two of you. And it will happen. It can’t not happen.”
Kaden glanced at the cable box, where the time was displayed. “You need to call Ben and Helen and tell them you won’t be home tonight so they don’t worry.”
Seth numbly nodded and pulled out his cell phone to make the call. While he did, Kaden walked to the kitchen. He returned a moment later with two fingers of bourbon over ice and retook his place on the sofa.
“Let’s get you moved in by this weekend, okay? I want you settled as soon as possible so I can get the two of you into a routine. She needs structure.”
Seth had spent several nights at their house over the years, usually after a late-running card game or after having too much to drink after a cookout, but this felt different.
Weird.
The voice didn’t sound like his own, Seth thought. “Okay.”
“When does this semester end?”
Seth tried to force his brain to work. “A couple of weeks.”
“Did you already register for the next one?”
“Not yet.”
“You need to stop by the registrar’s office and talk to them, find out the procedure for taking time off. If you still need to take one class at a time or something that’s okay. You don’t want a heavy class load for a semester or two at least.” He looked away. “I doubt you’ll miss many.”
Seth stiffly nodded.
Kaden continued, his voice sounding hoarse. “I’ll get the paperwork drawn up for you next week.”
Seth shook his head. “I don’t need paperwork. I trust you.”
“I trust you, too. The problem is, Leah won’t be able to function. I need someone with legal authority to make decisions and get shit done. I need you to have a power of attorney, medical proxy, DNR order, my living will has to be changed, bank accounts, all of that. I need you on all that paperwork for her, too. Might as well do it all and make it official. It’ll make our lives easier later on. One less thing for me to worry about. Get it done and over with.”
Seth numbly nodded. That even control-freak Kaden could think of all of this at a time like this…must be the attorney training.
Kaden took a deep breath. “I don’t want to die in a hospital. I want to be here. We’ll have to get hooked up with hospice when the time comes. At least you’ll be able to practice your nurse training,” Kaden attempted to joke.
Seth snorted, but Kaden knew it wasn’t total amusement.
“Sorry, buddy.” He paused a moment before he softly continued. “I want to be cremated. Whatever Leah wants to do with the remains is okay with me. You may have to help her make that decision. I’ll have a few things prepared. I’ll give them to my partner, Ed, so when it…happens, you can just call him and he’ll set the other balls in motion for you. You can focus on her for the immediate time, and Ed will take over and handle that stuff for you both. Okay?”
Seth nodded. Surreal. Nightmare. Wormhole still looked like a viable option.
Kaden leveled his gaze at Seth. “I don’t like talking like this. I don’t like planning like this. I want it fucking done and out of my way. Out of our way. I want it handled now, so I don’t have to think about it anymore. I want it done now, while I can think about it, so I don’t forget anything and we can spend the rest of my time doing what needs to be done for Leah.” He took a sip of his drink. “I don’t want her reverting in her stress.”
“What do you mean?”
“I know at first some of what I’ll ask you to do to and for her might run contrary to what you think and feel is right. Remember, I know her and I know what she needs. You have to trust me. You cannot let her put up a wall. If she does, she’ll hide behind it and then we’ll lose her. She’ll sink back into her old behaviors, and you won’t ever be able to get her back once I’m gone.”
“I thought you said you didn’t have to worry about that anymore?”
“I also told you she’s had three—well, now four—sessions in twenty-four hours. Usually she only gets them twice, maybe three times a week, if that, and sometimes I barely touch her. What you saw just now was mild compared to what she’s already had today.”
Stunned, Seth shook his head. “That was fucking vicious, man. You mean that was on the low end of the scale?”
Kaden nodded and sipped his drink, frowning. “You saw her ask for it. Physical pain like that helps her process emotions and ground herself.” He met Seth’s gaze again. “You can never let her emotionally detach. That’s almost too far gone if she gets to that point. You’ll learn to recognize her nonverbal cues, her body language. Sometimes all she needs is a barehanded swat to the ass to make her feel better. Sometimes she needs a lot more. Sometimes she’ll ask if she recognizes what’s going on. Your job is to spot the times when she’s not cued in to herself and doing it for her.”
“This is a lot to fucking learn, man. Are you really that worried she’ll cut herself again?”
“Why do you think I was chopping the vegetables before dinner? I won’t take the chance.”
Seth heard their bedroom door open. A moment later, Leah walked into the living room, her hair down, face washed and free of makeup, apparently wearing nothing but her collar and a long T-shirt that hung to midthigh.