In those first days I had eaten little. I could not bear the food that was offered. I was not prepared to eat with them. Their manners sickened me.
Two days and nights had passed. How had I endured it? Whichever way I turned, I met with the same treatment. They were all insisting that I was Nan, the half-mad serving girl suffering delusions that I was a fine lady.
At the end of those two days I was in such deep distress that I had to do something. Despair sharpened my wits. I had to pretend to accept this ... for only then might they drop their guard a little, only then might I discover what their intentions were, only then might I find a way to escape.
I had detected a hint of kindliness in Jane. She was rather inclined to be put upon more so than Gilly, who could stand up for herself.
Jane and I often did the menial tasks together. I watched her when she helped with the pots and pans. She would show me where to find those implements which I had to take to Tom or Meg.
I said to her one day when we were alone in the kitchen: "Where are we? Where is this place?"
"It's in the Chepe," she said.
I had heard of the Chepe. It was a street in London.
"Who comes here to buy the pies?"
"All sorts."
"Why am I not allowed in the shop?"
"Dunno."
"You are."
"Sometimes."
"You see people then?"
She nodded.
"How long have you been here?"
"Since Lammas last."
"You had never seen me before that day Meg brought me down to the kitchen and I fainted, had you?"
She did not answer and turned away.
I must be careful. I must not alarm her, for alarmed she undoubtedly was when I tried to extract information from her. She knew, as they all did, that I was not Nan who had been working with them for some time and who suffered from delusions. "Does anyone else work here?" I asked at another time.
"Only us."
"Do any of the people from the court ever come here?"
"I dunno."
"People from Crosby's Place ... the serving men and women there? There must be hundreds of them."
"I dunno."
"People from Warwick Court?" She shrugged her shoulders.
I thought, some might come here. I knew that when my father had been in Warwick Court his men were all over London. I had heard it said that the emblem of the Ragged Staff was seen in taverns all over the city. And if the taverns, why not the cook-shops?
They were watchful of me, very wary. I think the quietness which had come over me made them wonder. I had ceased to insist that I was Lady Anne Neville. To them it could seem now and then that I had accepted my role of addle-pated Nan, but they were a little suspicious still.
Tom alarmed me. I would be aware of his eyes on me as I worked in the kitchen. Sometimes he would shout at me, declare that I was a fool, an idiot. At others he would say: "That's good. Coming on, eh?" and he would touch my shoulder. I recoiled when he did that. I could not bear him to be near me. Both Meg and Gilly watched him closely, I noticed.
Whenever I found myself alone with Jane I tried to talk to her. I said to her one day: "Meg seems very anxious to please Tom." Jane looked at me in astonishment. They are very happily married, are they?" I went on. She reverted to her usual reply.
"Dunno."
"Do you think she is a little jealous?"
This was dangerous talk. Jane looked furtive. Then a rather sly smile curved her lips. She said: "Master ... he be terrible fond of women."
The weather was hot. The smells of the kitchen permeated the entire place and they nauseated me. I wondered how much longer I could endure this. I tried to tell myself that something must happen soon. Richard would discover I was not at Warwick Court. He would want to know where I was. He would search for me.
I noticed that Tom's eyes strayed towards me often. I thought he was going to find fault with me, but he did not. He asked me to bring one of the pans to him and when I did so, his hand touched mine. I hurried away as quickly as I could. I kept thinking of Jane's words: "Master ... he be terrible fond of women." Poor thin, dirty, dishevelled creature that I must appear to be, I was yet a woman and I trembled.
That night I lay in bed telling myself that I must get away. I must run into the shop, tell someone who I was. I must endeavour to get into the streets. I would run and run. I must find someone who could guide me to Crosby's Place.
I dozed fitfully, for I was always exhausted at the end of the day. I ate scarcely anything. I was growing thinner. It was only my firm belief that this could not last for ever which gave me the strength to go on.
I awoke startled. It was as though I had had a premonition of hovering evil. I sat up. I could hear the hammering of my heart.
Then the key was turning in the lock. The door opened quietly and I saw the tall figure of Tom, his eyes glittering, his mouth slightly open, showing his yellow teeth. He was coming towards me, leering, and I could not fail to be aware of his intentions.
With all the strength that I could muster I leaped up. I shrieked loudly. As he came forward, horror and disgust gave me some impetus and I managed to slip past him. He reached out to take hold of me but I evaded him. I was on the stairs which led down to the kitchen. I screamed as he came after me.
Blindly I ran. He was close behind me. I heard him cursing me under his breath.
I was shouting: "Go away. How dare you! Leave me alone! Do you know who I am?.If you dare touch me!"
I felt sick with fear and horror. I reached the kitchen, I was pulling at the door which led to the shop. My one idea was to try to get out of this place. And then I was aware of Meg.
She was standing, her arms akimbo, her eyes blazing. I ran towards her.
"Save me," I cried.
"Don't let him...." She seized me and pushed me behind her. She started to shout: "You fool! You goat! You'll be having us all on the gallows. You mad or something! And all because you can't see a girl without you've got to be at her. What do you think they'd do to you if they found out, eh? It wouldn't be a nice cosy rope for you ... and all of us in it with you. Did you fancy the lady, eh, you idiot?"
I was cowering against the wall. Meg was magnificent in her rage. I was amazed by the effect she had on him. He was staring at her with fear in his eyes. She had changed him from a man determined to satisfy his lust to a cringing object of fear. Her words had struck home. They knew who I was. They had been paid to keep me prisoner, to make me believe that I was a deluded kitchen maid. And for the first time since I had entered this place they had betrayed that. They could not have been more explicit. No longer could they tell me I was demented Nan, the fanciful dreamer. I was myself, the one I knew myself to be. Further attempts at subterfuge would be useless.
Meg said: "Get back to your room, Nan. You're safe enough from this idiot. I'll see to that. And I'll see to you, too, me lad, before you get us all into trouble that'll be the end of us."
She pushed me towards the door.
I said: "You had better let me go before it is too late. If you let me go now I will do all I can to save you from the consequences of your actions."
"Shut your mouth," she said.
She pushed me before her and we mounted the stairs. Another push sent me into the attic. The keys were still on the outside of the door.
"You'll have no more visits tonight... nor any other," she said.
She locked me in and I heard her go down the stairs.
I leaned against the attic wall, feeling dizzy but in a way triumphant.
I had had a miraculous escape from a fate which would have been intolerable to me. I felt sick when I remembered that loathsome, panting, lecherous creature and what he was contemplating doing. Meg had saved me. I was grateful to her. But she had done more than that. She had wiped away any vague doubt that might have been springing up in my mind. I was myself; I was sane; and I must get away.