She was perfect for you.
He finally admitted to himself that despite Mitch’s death, despite everything, he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about her. Like an apparition, her image had flashed through his mind over and over, but he’d forced it away with stubborn resolve. Now, though, it was impossible. With startling clarity he saw her expression as he’d fixed her cupboard doors, he heard her laughter echo across the porch, he could smell the faint scent of her shampoo in her hair. She was here with him . . . and yet she wasn’t. Nor would she ever be again. The realization made him feel emptier than he’d ever felt before.
Denise . . .
As he drove along, the explanations he’d made to himself-and to her-suddenly rang hollow. What had come over him? Yes, he’d been pulling away. Despite the denials, Denise had been right about that. Why, he wondered, had he let himself? Was it for the reasons his mother had said?
I didn’t teach you how wonderful it is to love someone and have them love you back. . . .
Taylor shook his head, suddenly unsure of every decision he’d ever made. Was his mother right? If his father hadn’t died, would he have acted the same way over the years? Thinking back to Valerie or Lori-would he have married them? Maybe, he thought, uncertainly, but probably not. There were other things wrong with the relationships, and he couldn’t honestly say that he’d ever really loved either of them.
But Denise?
His throat tightened as he remembered the first night they’d made love. As much as he wanted to deny it, he knew now that he’d been in love with her, with everything about her. So why, then, hadn’t he told her so? And more important, why had he forcibly ignored his own feelings in order to pull away?
You’re alone because you want to be. . . .
Was that it? Did he really want to face the future alone? Without Mitch-and soon Melissa-who else did he have? His mother and . . . and . . . The list trailed off. After her, there was no one. Is that what he really wanted? An empty house, a world without friends, a world without someone who cared about him? A world where he avoided love at all costs?
In the truck, rain splashed against the windshield as if driving that thought home, and for the first time in his life, he knew he was-and had been-lying to himself.
In his daze, snatches of other conversations began to replay themselves in his mind.
Mitch warning him: Don’t screw it up this time. . . .
Melissa teasing: So are you gonna marry this wonderful girl or what? . . .
Denise, in all her luminous beauty: We all need companionship. . . .
His response?
I don’t need anyone. . . .
It was a lie. His entire life had been a lie, and his lies had led to a reality that was suddenly impossible to fathom. Mitch was gone, Melissa was gone, Denise was gone, Kyle was gone . . . he’d lost it all. His lies had become reality.
Everyone is gone.
The realization made Taylor grip the steering wheel hard, fighting to keep control. He pulled the truck to the side of the road and slipped the stick shift into neutral, his vision blurring.
I’m alone. . . .
He clung to the steering wheel as the rain poured down around him, wondering how on earth he’d let it happen.
Chapter 27
Denise pulled into the drive, tired from her shift. The steady rain had kept business slow all night. There’d been just enough to keep her constantly moving, but not enough to make decent tips. More or less a wasted evening, but on the bright side, she’d been able to leave a little early, and Kyle hadn’t stirred as she’d loaded him into the car. He’d become used to curling up around her on the ride home over the past few months, but now that she had her own car again (hurray!), she had to buckle him into the backseat. Last night he’d fussed so much that he hadn’t been able to fall asleep again for a couple of hours.
Denise stifled a yawn as she turned up the drive, relieved that she’d be in bed soon. The gravel was wet from the earlier rains, and she could hear small pinging sounds as the wheels kicked up pebbles that ricocheted off her car. A few more minutes, a nice cup of cocoa, and she’d be under the covers. The thought was almost intoxicating.
The night was black and moonless, dark clouds blocking the light from the stars. A light fog had settled in, and Denise moved up the drive slowly, using the porch light as a beacon. As she neared the house and things came into better focus, she nearly slammed on the brakes at the sight of Taylor’s truck parked out front.
Glancing toward the front door, she saw Taylor sitting on the steps, waiting for her.
Despite her exhaustion, her mind snapped to attention. A dozen possibilities raced through her head as she parked and shut off the engine.
Taylor approached the car as she got out, careful not to slam the door behind her. She was about to ask him what he wanted when the words died on her lips.
He looked terrible.
His eyes were red rimmed and raw looking, his face pale and drawn. As he pushed his hands deep into his pockets, he seemed unable to meet her gaze. Frozen, she searched for something to say.
“I see you got yourself a car,” Taylor offered.
The sound of his voice triggered a flood of emotions in her: love and joy, pain and anger, the loneliness and quiet desperation of the past few weeks.
She couldn’t go through all this again.
“What are you doing here, Taylor?”
Her voice was edged with more bitterness than Taylor had expected. Taylor took a deep breath.
“I came to tell you how sorry I was,” he began haltingly. “I never meant to hurt you.”
She’d wanted to hear those words at one time, but strangely they meant nothing now. She glanced over her shoulder at the car, spying Kyle’s sleeping figure in the back.
“It’s too late for that,” she said.
He lifted his head slightly. In the light of the porch he looked far older than she remembered, almost as if years had passed since she’d last seen him. He forced a thin-lipped smile, then lowered his gaze again before pulling his hands from his pockets. He took a hesitant step toward his truck.
Had it been any other day, had it been any other person, he would have kept moving, telling himself that he’d tried. Instead he forced himself to stop.
“Melissa’s moving to Rocky Mount,” he said into the darkness, his back to her.
Denise absently ran her hand through her hair. “I know. She told me a couple of days ago. Is that why you’re here?”
Taylor shook his head. “No. I’m here because I wanted to talk about Mitch.” He murmured the words over his shoulder; Denise could barely hear him. “I was hoping that you’d listen because I don’t know who else to turn to.”
His vulnerability touched and surprised her, and for a fleeting moment she almost went to his side. But she couldn’t forget what he had done to Kyle-or to her, she reminded herself.
I can’t go through this again.
But I also said I’d be there if you needed to talk.
“Taylor . . . it’s really late . . . maybe tomorrow?” she suggested softly. Taylor nodded, as if he had expected her to say as much. She thought he would leave then, yet strangely he didn’t move from his spot.
In the distance Denise heard the faint rumble of thunder. The temperature was dropping, and the moisture in the air made it seem colder than it really was. A misty halo encircled the porch light, glittering like tiny diamonds, as Taylor turned to face her again.
“I also wanted to tell you about my father,” he said slowly. “It’s time you finally knew the truth.”
From his strained expression, she knew how hard it had been for him to say the words. He seemed on the verge of tears as he stood before her; this time it was her turn to look away.
Her mind flashed back to the day of the festival when he’d asked to drive her home. She’d gone against her instincts, and as a result she’d eventually received a painful lesson. Here again was another crossroads, and once more she hesitated. She sighed.