But it must be some mix-up, you say.
He darts his green stones over the list and drags a thick stump thumb down the columns. He seems sad to find your name, but perks up at the sight of our Princess holding the gift. Contraband, he says, snatching the box out of her hands and tossing it aside, and though you shouldn’t give him the joy, stand and stand your face collapsed and shoulders heaving till he shouts, next, next, looking into a part of you that ain’t for him to see.
One of our few black COs is working the visiting room. Dude was cool months back, but got passed over for a promotion and, ever since, has made it extra tough on everybody that ain’t white. Dude’s extra-heavy-handed search is misdemeanor assault everywhere in the first world. To top it off, he stalks you all the way to your seat, the last of seats near light. With care you help our Princess climb onto the seat.
HOLD THE FUCK UP! That ain’t what happens. Enough with this fantasyland shit. Our Princess with you on today’s visit, who the fuck am I fooling?
We know what really happens is this: We urge at each other through the window and who I don’t see — our Princess — gives me the feeling of a weight-lifting wonder knocking me breathless. You sit down and stand up, sit down and stand up, sit down and stand up, your smile disassembling. I called her all last night, called her all this morning, and nothing, you say. She never once picked up.
Am I surprised? Try not. This place ain’t built for dreams. Out back sits a rusted pig-iron weight pile and a dim-lit rec room stuffed with slanted pool tables and mended chairs. The radios, the TV’s: Everything electronic here is from another era. It’s no wonder the PA translates speech to garble. This building is as old as everything — B.C. See wire punching holes in weak Sheetrock, hear water gagging through old pipes, and, my word, the air most days is thick enough to choke you dead. Late nights, guards with keys to unlock every bolt ever produced patrol our dorms, funky boxes crammed with the noise of grown men snoring and the slosh of no few of us undersexed heedless convicts touching ourselves.
Mom, here’s the truth of the truth of the truth: There ain’t an expectation these walls can’t change, not a one, though truthbe-told a nigger should be steeled against this grief, should, since I’m seasons and seasons into my set, have spent days and days and days gazing through cyclone fence, spent months of wake-ups and lights-out and chow time and count time and (a time or two) hole-time. Everywhere inside this place is flaking fish-colored paint, which is proof the white boys in charge would give not a shit if we died from breathing lead. And believe me, sometimes it’s as if I could die here, fall comatose on a mattress so thin, it takes prayer for a wink of sleep. Weeks and weeks go by with no more than the Wednesday transport to get me through, the tiny comfort of seeing dudes more inconsolable than me slug off a bus dressed in a dingy one-piece and the orange plastic slippers that chafe your feet to bleeding.
It’s no wonder why years later this year could mean more yearning — at least for me.
But hey, Mom, there’s a chance you’ll find love — the suckers might be right. And hey, let’s take heart, you’re sober, off-paper, working — swelled with what gets you, me, a human through.
Look around. See the room bathed in borrowed light, couples whispering across tables, intractable-ass kids darting between the seats, hear the vending machines ejecting snacks and coins, the kitchen crew knocking pots behind the rolltop gate, an officer or two snickering under his breath.
This is what we have, Mom, what we made, and we must make do.
So we reach out, the two of us, you and your eldest young bastard, and hold one another for a time that flouts the limit of allowed contact.
De Paul Drug Treatment Center
DIVERSION CONTRACT
Name:____________________________________Case No:___________________
I here by agree to enter the diversion program. By doing so I understand I must adhere to its obligations and responsibilities as mandated by the judge, program manager, field supervisor, and other approved treatment providers.
CLIENT RESPONSIBILITIES
1. I must tell the truth
2. I must attend all court sessions as ordered
3. I must follow the treatment plan mandated by program personnel
4. I must not violate the law. (If I engage in any criminal act, I may be prosecuted for the charges pending against me)
5. I must obtain gainful employment within 90 days of release into phase two
6. I must tell my field supervisor within 48 hours of a change of address or telephone number or change of employment
7. I must get permission from my field supervisor before I leave the state of Oregon
8. I must submit urine samples upon request
9. I must complete at least 40 hours of community service or pay $500
10. The program is at least 12 months and I will pay a monthly fee of $50.00. I must have a zero balance in order to move on to complete the program.
11. If restitution is owed, I must pay the amount in full as ordered by the court.
12. I must follow the directives given to me and remain drug free. If I fail to do so, the judge may impose one or more of the following therapeutic or punitive responses:
A. Additional community service
B. A period of incarceration in Mult. County jail
C. Extra individual counseling sessions
D. Extra AA / NA meetings
E. 48 hour intensive relapse intervention program.
F. Program termination
CLIENT RIGHTS AND BENEFITS:
1. During the time that I am in enrolled in the program the prosecution of the criminal charge(s) against me will be stayed.
2. If I successfully complete the program, the criminal charges against me will be dismissed and I can never be convicted for those charges:
3. I can quit the program at any time, but if I so choose, I will be prosecuted on my pending charges
4. If I quit the program or I am terminated, anything I have said concerning my drug use while in the program cannot be used against me in court.
5. If I am terminated from the program my conduct while in the program may be considered by the judge at sentencing
Client signature
Date
WHITE / CLIENT
YELLOW/CASE WORKER
PINK / PROGRAM
Chapter 1
Had them planned, changed them, and
changed the changed ones.
The days. Our days.
DePaul Center rehab days: Breakfast at 6A, group counseling at 8A, one-on-ones at 10A. We take lunch at noon, and we can eat or not with what seems most mornings as no matter to them. Afterwards it’s another required group: either NA or AA, though neither of which are any anonymous. At 2P or 3P depending, it’s our last afternoon group, then lo and behold a bit of free time after that — what amounts to a few of us in the TV room and/or our room and/or wandering halls and/or sitting outside enjoying a smoke. Two or three hours to do as we please, save their long list of rules, before we’re back once again on their clock. Dinnertime’s at 5P, and a girl — when am I not one? — should get something in her stomach if she hopes to survive. The after-dinner meeting is optional, though if we’re lucky or blessed or what-haveyou, it’s forsaken for a visit, which, by the way, they arrange by letters: A — J on Mondays and Wednesdays and K — Z on Tuesdays and Thursdays.