Mom sits mute, and I pray to God, Jesus, and all the saints she stays just so.
Yep, he says. I’d say you’re showing telltale signs of illicit drug use. That or a rough night turning tricks.
I reach over and touch Mom’s thigh and there’s no greater wish for my life than for her to feel its warning.
Mom shuts her eyes tight, opens them slowest. She turns to the cop, her neck first, then those stormy browns. Turning tricks! she says. Who the hell you calling a prostitute!
Well, now that you ask, that’s a good question, he says. How about we find out who? He reaches through the window and asks for her ID.
Mom gropes around. She slams her back against the seat and pats her pockets. She dips her hand through the throat of her torn shirt into her bra. I left it, she says. I don’t have it.
Then I’m afraid you and I have a problem, he says. He orders her to step out of the car, says it almost as if it’s a choice. He posts her for search, asks if she’s carrying any drugs or paraphernalia, if he should worry over needles or glass. Mom releases a deep breath and looks to the sky. He frisks her from her feet up. He digs his hand in a pocket and pulls out a matchbook and scraps. He leaves the pocket inside out and lays his finds on the hood. He fishes another pocket and sifts small trash.
BINGO! he says, and cups a puny find.
I don’t have to see it to know what it is.
The cop at my window frowns and tells me to step out of the car. My options now an option: RUN!
But run and leave who?
My legs are all flesh, no bones, as I fall out, wouldn’t carry me a foot. The cop jerks my arms behind my head and kicks my legs apart.
My option: no option.
Are you clean? he says. Tell me now if you’re dirty and we can save ourselves trouble. He frisks me from the top down, tapping my arms, chest, gut. He gets down to my crotch and pats the sack — once, pats the sack — twice. He tilts his head and grins, a big, wide, grin. Uh-oh, what’s that? he says. What do we have here?
No lie, about now, a bullet would be mercy.
He digs into my jeans and lifts the sack into the view, my work rocked up and packed in clear plastic.
He holds the sack high. Partner, he says. Take a look.
They toss us cuffed into their hard backseat and boom the doors shut. Leave me and Mom, mother and son — always.
Chapter 51
There are. There are.
I am god’s child. I place my life in the care of God. I am one with God and the universe. God, I can’t, but You can, so please do. If He’s too far removed, who moved? If you’re trying to pray, it’s praying. Let go and let God. I am powerless over people. I am powerless over my children. I am powerless over drugs. I believe in a power greater than me. Faith without works is dead. Faith is spelled a-c-t-i-o-n. When we do all the talking, we learn what we know. We are only as sick as our secrets. We either are or we aren’t. Where we go, there we are. Sponsors: Use one. Help is a call away. I help others by asking for help. Drugs: an equal choice destroyer. Do it sober. Easy does it, but do it. Don’t quit before the magic. Be grateful. Be sick and tired of being sick and tired. Before you say I can’t, say I try. Life starts when you stop. Listen like only the dying can. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself. I forgive myself for hurting myself and others. I forgive myself for letting others hurt me. I deserve to be loved by myself and others. I like myself. I love myself without condition. I accept love. I am not alone. I am able to change. I am the change I want to see. I am the one who makes me whole. Using is death. One hit is too many, a thousand is not enough. F.E.A.R. Frustration. Ego. Anxiety. Resentment. F.E.A.R. False. Expectations. Appear. Real. F.E.A.R. False. Evidence. Appears. Real. F.E.A.R. F—. Everything. And. Run. F.E.A.R. Face. Everything. And. Recover. Give time time. Give it away to keep it. Forgive to gain forgiveness. We didn’t get here on a winning streak. The choice is yours: Choose wise. There will be pain in your progress. The pain I might feel by remembering can’t be any worse than the pain I feel by knowing and not remembering. Have a good day, unless you planned to have a bad one. I am liked. I am loved. I am free. I am worthy. I am humble. I am happy. I am patient. I am valued. Just for today, I will be vulnerable with someone I trust. Just for today, I will respect my own and others’ boundaries. Just for today, I will act in a way that I would admire in someone else. Just for today, I will take one compliment and hold it in my heart for more than a fleeting second. Just for today, I will try and get a better view of my life. Just for today, I will be brave. Just for today, my recovery will be my world. I am human. I am full. I am new. I am good. I am strong.
If you’ve seen this place once, you’ve seen it forever: a windowless room with beige walls and gray tile and new residents serving meals. Today’s menu is yesterday’s, the day before — Cream of Wheat, poached eggs, and fruit juice in cups the same size they use to test our urine. I grab a tray and find an empty table near a girl who was new when I left. She chatters at a girl who, by her face, is too young for these scars. Maybe they gossip of an expert released one day who stumbled back in the next, of fast friends who won’t be friends outside these walls. Or maybe her story is the story of what happened to me. I pick at my plate, dump most of it, and loaf back to my tiny box. I unpack my bag and square my tenny shoes against the wall and as might my eldest — what will happen to my eldest? — leave my laces loosened just so. I hang the picture of my boys, my beloveds, from Canaan’s first birthday in the corner of the mirror, trace the picture’s scalloped edges, press them flat against the glass. Then I lie on my bunk and listen for rain. Here, when doesn’t it rain? Times it could have been the rain. They slip a note under my door for me to report to the office. There’s no need to fix my face, but I fix my face, and lope down the hall.
The counselor is squaring portraits on the wall of champions. She turns to me and hikes her frames up the slope of her nose. Her hair is wound into a fall-red bun.
Good morning, she says.
Good morning, I say.
Well I called you down to welcome you back. So, welcome back and I mean it, she says. Grace, we come to know there are much worse fates than this.
We do, I say. I do.
She reaches out to me — both hands. You have to leave it, she says. Leave it be and push on. Because it’s this time. Not ever the last time but this time that counts.
Yes, I say. Yes. This time this is it.
Acknowledgments
A special note of gratitude to my readers: Marco F. Navarro, Robb Todd, A. Van. Jordan, Carla Edmon. Many thanks to the “straight shooter” Kathy Belden for not only agreeing to publish my novel but serving as a friend and mentor. Thank you to the team at Bloomsbury: George, Peter, Laura, Marie, Patti. Thank you to my agent, Liz Darhansoff, for taking the risk to represent me. Thank you to my wonderful publicist, Michelle Blankenship, for believing and pulling out her trumpet. Much appreciation to my fellow writers, teachers, and friends: Marcus Jackson, Cleyvis Natera, Tom Spanbauer, Gordon Lish, ZZ Packer, John Edgar Wideman, Marie Helene Bertino, Jesymn Ward, Amy Hempel, Michael Kimball, James Yeh, Freeway Rick Ross, Felicia Quaning, Denmark Reid, Ramon Blackburn, Ruth Danon, Barbara Adams, April Krassner, Kenny Warren Jr., and the rest of my 833 crew. Thank you to the Center for Fiction and in particular Noreen Tomassi and Kristin Henley. Thank you to my SEEK department family. Thank you to Self Enhancement Incorporated. Thank you to Bob Quillin and Vanessa for your grand support. Thank you to Sandy Vasceannie for years of opportunity. Thank you to John Ricard for all your assistance. Thank you to those who worked on the documentary: Todd Strickland, Nehemiah Booker, Chris and Erik Ewers, Dwight Myrick, P. Frank Williams, Josh Milowe. Thank you to my siblings: Adrian, Chris, Wesley, Romla, Monique, Jibri, Jesse, Latricia, De’Andre. Thank you to the family and friends who encouraged me to prosecute my dream: Rhonda, Myasha, Anthony, Jasmine A, Ladawn, Dr. Wallace, Almamia, Teresa, grand dad, Tanya. Thank you to my love, Juliette, for being everything. Thank you to my children: Justice Serene and Jaden Truth. And what would all of this be without my mother? Thank you, Mom. If I have left off anyone who played a role, I apologize, and thank you to you too.