Nadia gave him an uneasy look.
“There are some things that Danny will need,” Sweeney said. “It’ll just take me a second.”
Nadia looked around the chaos of the room, nodded and departed.
Dr. Peck remained on the floor, knees bent up toward his belly, shoulders bent in toward the chest, both arms crossed and the eyes closed, as if in dream.
Sweeney moved to the surgical cart and lifted the shaving razor. Then he dropped it, gathered up Danny’s medical file and stuffed the bulging folder inside his jacket. He turned to leave, hesitated, and turned back to the cart once more. This time, he picked up and pocketed the marking pen. Then he put his hand inside the terrarium and lifted Rene out of the bowl. He placed the salamander in his shirt pocket and walked out the broken doors.
30
Sweeney rode to the Harmony on the back of Nadia’s bike, one hand around the nurse’s waist, the other cupping his own shirt pocket, making sure the newt was secure. And as the wooded hills surrounding the Clinic gave way to the city, he felt Rene begin to move. Felt the tiny, damp feet raking down softly over the heart.
They rolled at an even speed past the foundries and the chemical plants, past acres of ghostly housing projects and antique tenements long gone dark. Eventually, they cut into the city proper and made for downtown, a Mardi Gras in perpetual decay, this crowded hive of clubs and bars, noodle dens and arcades, strip joints and chapels of the apocalypse, all of them announced in red and blue neon. To Sweeney it looked like the last nightmare. And it smelled like a third world circus — sweet and rancid and toxic.
They approached the Harmony from the rear, through the blocks of ruined brick and stone. Halfway across the lot, they could make out Buzz, sitting alone in the rocking chair on the loading dock, waiting like some sea captain’s wife. Nadia parked the bike and killed the engine. They dismounted and climbed up onto the apron.
Buzz didn’t say a word and Sweeney sat down on the rail, blocking his view of the ruins. Nadia went inside the factory without speaking and after a minute they could hear her running water in the cafeteria.
Buzz looked as if he were staring through Sweeney, still focusing on the broken bricks in the distance.
“I’m not a solitary person, usually,” Buzz said and it sounded as if he were speaking to himself. “I like people around. I was alone a lot, growing up.”
Sweeney didn’t think the biker was looking for a comment, so he kept quiet.
“The thing is,” Buzz continued, “sometimes, when you really need to think, there’s no substitute for solitude.”
Sweeney allowed himself a nod.
“The boys are off on a run,” Buzz said. “And I don’t mind telling you, I miss every one of those fuckers already.”
“I’m sure you do,” Sweeney said, not rushing anything. Letting Buzz Cote do this in his own way and time.
“They drive me bugfuck. They really do, sometimes. But I’m like any parent. I’d be lost without them. And I like to think they feel the same way about me.”
“You’re a family,” Sweeney said and when Buzz’s eyes focused in on him for the first time, he knew he’d chosen the perfect word.
“I’ve been sitting out here for hours,” Buzz said. “I haven’t moved a fucking muscle. I been sitting here trying to figure out what it was you were gonna do. And I was trying to decide what I was gonna do once you made your decision.”
Sweeney took in air through his nose.
“I know sometimes I might seem erratic,” Buzz said. “Maybe even weak. But I’m neither one. I’m focused. It’s about being willing to become anything and everything to get what you need. To get what your family needs. To go hard or soft. Be sweet or sour. Eyes on the prize. Every fucking second.”
“It’s not easy,” Sweeney said, “being a father.”
“And I hope you understand how much I appreciate that.”
“The thing is,” Sweeney said, “I honestly do. I believe you get it.”
Buzz leaned sideways just a little.
“It changes you,” he said. “And not just in the ways you’d expect.”
Sweeney’s throat was dry. He wished Nadia would bring out a bottle.
“It’s about sacrifice,” Sweeney said. “To do the job right, you have to give up parts of yourself.”
“Fuck, yes,” Buzz said. “I swear to you, I’m not the man I used to be.”
“You’d give an arm and a leg,” Sweeney said, “to keep your child from getting lost. You’d give whatever was necessary.”
“You’d walk through fire,” Buzz said. “You’d kick God in the balls.”
“You’d give up your own life,” Sweeney said, “in a second. No hesitation.”
“No thinking at all,” Buzz said, “because that’s who you become.”
“But sometimes,” Sweeney said, “the kid gets lost anyway. And there’s not a thing you can do about it.”
Buzz went quiet for several seconds. When he spoke again, his voice sounded edgier, on the verge of impatient and heading into angry.
“That,” he said, “is where we disagree in a major fucking way.”
Sweeney didn’t say anything.
“You can always find him,” Buzz said. “And you can always forgive him for getting lost in the first place. Always.”
“The chicken boy tried to tell me the same thing.”
“It was Danny,” Buzz yelled, his voice suddenly loud enough to echo off the ruins.
He got up out of the rocking chair and joined Sweeney on the rail. The light on the dock was muddy and half of the biker’s face was in shadow.
“Jesus Christ, Sweeney, I have tried to be patient. But you don’t have an ounce of fucking faith. I gave you a goddamn chance to be with your boy for the first time in a year. And you come back the same zombie as when you left.”
“I’m just not sure it was Danny—”
“Of course it was Danny,” coming forward off the rail now and leaning down into Sweeney. “Who else you think it was?”
“I’m saying I’m not sure it was real.”
“It was as real as it gets,” Buzz yelled, raising an arm as if ready to backhand the pharmacist. But he caught himself and froze, took a breath, and made himself ease the arm to his side. He tipped his head back, rubbed his forehead, pushed out some air, lowered his voice, and said, “I’m sorry. I’m just running out of time here. I want to do this the easy way. The way that’s right for everyone involved. I’m trying to do what’s best for everyone — me and my people and you and your boy. But you’re making it awfully fucking difficult for me, Sweeney.”
“Think of it from my point of view—” Sweeney began and Buzz said, “I’m doing exactly that.”
But Sweeney pushed on with his words.
“In a single night, I lost everything. I’ve been living in a nightmare for a year. Now you and Peck both come along. And both of you start telling me I can wake up from the nightmare. Only Peck says he can bring Danny back into my world—”
“Peck is a lying sack of shit.”
“—and you tell me you can bring me into Danny’s world.”
“And I proved it. We took you into Limbo. We let you talk to your boy. And he told you what to do, didn’t he?”
“Someone,” Sweeney said, “or something told me what to do. But he didn’t tell me how to do it.”
“You leap,” Buzz said, on the verge of pleading now, the conversion so close he could feel it. “You take the fucking leap. You decide to believe. And you become one of us. There’s a family waiting for you here, Sweeney. Me and Nadia and all of the boys. We’ll take care of you and we’ll take care of Danny. And, in turn, you’ll take care of us. That’s the way family works. You don’t have to be alone anymore, Sweeney. This is the way out of the nightmare, son. This is the way out of the grave.”