She had lured Jake’s daughter away from us, yet how gentle she looked now as she sat there with her hands in her lap, remembering.
Did she love Jake? Was she aware that he was my lover? Was it Leah who had taken the letters from my drawer?
We were both startled by the opening of the door.
Clare looked in.
“Oh,” she said, “sitting in the dark?”
“I came in to see if the fire was all right. Leah did the same. Then we started to talk.”
Clare looked from one to the other of us. “Shall I light a candle?” she asked. “It looks a little eerie in the firelight.”
She did so and turned to look at us, her eyes gazing steadily into mine.
I could not read her expression, but it seemed to be hiding something.
What is she thinking? I wondered. What does she know?
She was right. It did suddenly seem very eerie in that room.
Jake arrived two days before Christmas and my joy on seeing him was intense. I thought the manner in which we looked at each other must surely betray our feelings. I took him up to the red room myself. As soon as we were there he turned to me and held me fast against him.
“The waiting has been maddening,” he said.
“But now you are here, Jake,” I answered. “Yes … it has seemed very long.”
“I’ve made up my mind,” he went on. “We are not going on like this. Something shall be done.”
He would not release me and as I clung to him I shivered. “Not here, Jake. Not here in this house.”
“Something has to be done … and soon.”
“Yes,” I said. “But wait. Be patient. We’ll talk.” Then I tried to behave like a hostess. “I hope you have everything you want. If you don’t, one of the maids …”
He laughed. It was rather wild, reckless laughter which I had heard so often. “There is only one thing I want,” he said. “You know what that is.”
I replied: “I must go down. People are watchful in this house, I believe.”
“Watchful?”
“Leah … because I believe she is in love with you and Clare because she is in love with my husband.” I drew myself away. “We shall be dining at seven. Could you be down just before.”
And I was gone.
It was a pleasant evening. I was amazed how Jake could behave with such detached calm towards Edward. No one would have guessed that he was indulging in a love affair with Edward’s wife.
As her father’s presence made it a special occasion, Tamarisk dined with us. I was delighted when she asked him questions not only about London but about Cornwall too.
He discussed the differences between farming in England and Australia and talked so entertainingly that Tamarisk said: “I should like to go to Australia.” And he replied: “Perhaps I will take you one day.”
Much later when I went to say goodnight to Edward I sat down and we talked for a while.
He said: “I think that man is beginning to charm Tamarisk a little.”
“I thought so too.”
“I daresay the day will come when she will go to him.”
“We shall have to wait and see. I have a feeling that she will always prefer to be where Jonathan is.”
“She’s a faithful creature. I like that in her.”
I said a hasty goodnight. Talk of faithfulness was a little disturbing to such a guilty conscience as mine.
The next day with Tamarisk and Jake I rode over to Eversleigh to help my mother with the arrangements for Christmas.
The house was in turmoil. The gardeners were bringing in plants from the greenhouses and festooning holly and ivy round the pictures in the gallery and on the walls of the great halclass="underline" mistletoe was placed in such places as would allow people to stand beneath them and give and receive the traditional kisses. From the kitchen quarters came the smell of baking.
My mother was in a state of delight and exasperation. She loved these occasions at Eversleigh when everything must be done in accordance with the old traditions. Jonathan had gone with some of the gardeners to bring in the yule log and Tamarisk immediately declared her intention of going to help them.
“The Pettigrews will be arriving today,” said my mother. “You know how house-proud her ladyship is. She’s prying into everything to see if there is a speck of dust anywhere.”
“I daresay the servants at Pettigrew Hall are glad to be rid of her for a short while,” I said.
Tamarisk had gone off and after a little conversation during which my mother told me that everything was under control and there was nothing I could do to help, Jake and I left. I could see that this was one of the rare occasions when my mother wished to be on her own.
As we rode off together, Jake said: “How good it is to be alone … for a while.”
I broke into a gallop and he was soon pounding along beside me.
“Where are we going?” he asked.
“To the sea,” I shouted.
I could smell the sea… that mixture of seaweed and wet wood and the indefinable odour of the ocean. I filled my lungs with it and I was happy for a moment… putting aside all fears and doubts and giving myself up to the sheer joy of being with Jake.
We pulled up as we came to the cliff and I walked my horse through the gully onto the shore, Jake following me.
The sea was slate grey on that morning; the waves came in delicately swishing the shore, showing a lacy froth on the edge of their frills.
“It is always magnificent… whatever mood it is in,” I said.
“Admittedly the sea is very grand,” said Jake. “But, Jessica, what about us?”
“What can there be? You’ve been to the house. You’ve talked with Edward. Surely you can see there is nothing I can do. I could never tell him that I was going away from him.”
“You could spend the rest of your life … just like this?”
“I have accepted it.”
“You accepted it before you realized what it meant.”
“You mean … before you came back?”
“That has changed it, hasn’t it?”
I was silent.
Then he said: “Jessica, what are we going to do?”
“Nothing. There is nothing we can do. The wisest thing would be for you to go away from here … for us to forget each other.”
“Do you think I should ever forget you?”
“I don’t know. In time I suppose you would.”
“Never,” he said. “You can’t believe I shall allow this state of affairs to continue.”
“It is not a matter of whether you will allow it or not. It is as it is. We have made it as it is and that is how it must remain.”
“You will give me up … for Edward?”
“I have no alternative. I shall never be happy, I know, for I shall be thinking of you every minute of the days. But if I left Edward I should be thinking of him. I have resigned myself to living this life which leads nowhere … except to the end. That is how it must be. I made it that way and now I must endure it.”
“I shall not let it be like that.”
“Dear Jake, how will you prevent it?”
“I shall find a way. I shall not rest until I find a way.”
“Let’s gallop along the beach,” I said. “It’s exhilarating. I always love to do it. Come on.”
I went forward and he followed me. The wind caught at my hair and for a few moments I could forget everything but the joy of the ride, forget all the problems which had to be faced; I could forget trusting Edward and demanding Jake; I could forget that I had betrayed my husband and that I was being blackmailed by Peter Lansdon and that someone else had seen the impassioned letters which Jake had written to me and in which was an unmistakable admission of our relationship. All that could be set aside during those few moments of a reckless gallop along a shore with the grey quiet sea on one side and the white cliffs rising on the other.