I could see Clare’s point of view and why her antagonism was aroused against me.
I was glad when it was midnight and I told my mother we must leave. We had to get Edward home and for that reason we had the carriage, so we would all go home in it with Edward: Jake, Clare, myself and Tamarisk who had been allowed to sit up as it was Christmas.
Toby came too for he was needed to help Edward into the carriage. James was still suffering from his strained back and Toby was very useful.
We said goodnight to my mother and other guests and set out for home.
“What a wonderful Christmas Day it has been!” said Jake. “There is nothing like the old traditions.”
We all agreed and Edward told us about Christmases in Nottingham and we all joined in until we arrived at Grasslands.
Toby—with Jake’s help—took Edward to his room; Clare said goodnight and took a somewhat subdued Tamarisk off with her. She would soon be asleep. Indeed she was halfway to that state already.
I met Jake coming out of Edward’s room. “All is well,” he said. “That Toby is a strong young man.”
“Goodnight, Jake.”
He took my hand and kissed it. “Come with me,” he whispered.
I shook my head.
“Just see me up and say goodnight.”
I went up the stairs with him to the bedroom. It looked very cosy. There was a fire in the grate and it threw its flickering light on the red curtains which had been drawn across the windows.
He closed the door and put his arms round me. “Stay with me,” he said.
“No. I am going to sit with Edward. I always do when they have got him to bed.”
“Afterwards … come back.”
“No, Jake. Not here.”
“Does it matter where?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“What strange ideas you have, Jessica. Place and time … they are unimportant. What matters is that we are together.”
“Edward is so near.”
He looked at me in tender exasperation. “You will stay with me here … through the night… please.”
“I couldn’t. It would seem to me as though Edward were here… in this room. It would seem like the ultimate betrayal.”
“If you are going to think along those lines the ultimate betrayal has already taken place.”
“I don’t think you see it as I do. Perhaps infidelity comes more naturally to men. It is condoned by society … unless it is discovered. What I have done is so wrong. It would be wrong for any woman … but because of Edward it is dastardly. I hate myself.”
“For loving and being loved by me?”
“Oh no … not for that. That is something which will always sustain me. I shall always love you, Jake. But I have made up my mind very definitely that I cannot leave Edward. I shall be with him as long as he needs me. I have given him my word and that is how it shall be. He has suffered so much. I would never add to that suffering if I could help it.”
“Do you mean that I must go away … I must leave you … that all I have to hope for is the snatched moment?”
“You will go away knowing that I love you as you love me.”
“I love you exclusively. I would never allow anything to stand in my way. I should consider no one but you… us … being together always.”
“You have seen how it is.”
“I have seen, of course, that Edward relies on you. He would be very sad if you went away. But he is not a man who would demand a sacrifice.”
“He is the most unselfish of men.”
“Yes. He has qualities which I do not possess. Yet you love me, remember. You loved me enough to break those marriage vows by which you set such store.”
“I do. I do. But you must understand. I must be here. I must stay with Edward while he needs me. I married him. I must remember that. It is too late for us, Jake.”
“It is never too late.”
And now, I thought, someone knows about us. Someone took the letters you wrote to me. Clare? Leah? I wanted to tell him to make him understand how careful we must be. But I hesitated. He would brush it aside. It was unimportant, he would say. Some day everyone would know that we were lovers because he did not intend to allow matters to remain as they were.
I withdrew myself.
“I must go and sit a while with Edward. I always chat with him for a few minutes before I say goodnight. He looks forward to it.”
“Come back,” he said.
I did not answer but came out of the room, and as I did I heard a door quietly shut. It could have been Clare’s room or that of Tamarisk. Tamarisk was adept at listening at doors. I thought Clare might not be guiltless either.
I went down to Edward’s room. He was in bed waiting for me. And his face lit up with pleasure as I came in.
I sat down beside the bed. On the top of the small cabinet which served as a table was the sleeping draught he took most nights, for he often found it difficult to sleep and the doctor said he must get the rest he needed.
On this night he looked tired. It had been a strenuous day for him.
I said: “You must be tired. It has been a heavy day.”
“Christmas is rather special, isn’t it?”
“Did you enjoy it?”
“Very much. Has our guest retired?”
“Oh yes. He’s probably fast asleep by now.”
“So should you be.”
“I shall go after our chat.”
“I loved to see you dancing. How I wish …”
I sighed and he went on: “Sorry, self pity.”
“You’re entitled to a little. Heaven knows you don’t indulge in it often.”
“I should not be sorry for myself… having you.”
I kissed him.
“Sleep well,” I said.
“I’m not really tired. It must be the excitement of Christmas.”
“So you will have your draught tonight?”
“Yes. I asked James to leave it ready for me. It’s effective.”
I picked up the glass and gave it to him.
He drank it and grimaced.
“Unpleasant?”
“A little bitter.”
“Well, I shall say goodnight.” I stooped over and kissed him. He returned my kiss lingeringly.
“God bless you, dearest Jessica, for all you have given me.”
“God bless you, Edward, for all you have given me.”
He smiled at me ironically and I shook my head at him.
“Always remember, Jessica, I want to do what is best for you.”
I kissed him hurriedly once more and went out of the room. I felt as I always did when he revealed his devotion to me … unclean and ashamed.
I came up the stairs. The door of Jake’s room was slightly open. I stood still for a few seconds looking at it. Then I took a step towards it.
I hesitated. I had a feeling I was being watched.
I turned away and went deliberately to my own room. I shut the door firmly, all the time fighting the urge to go to him to give way to my longing, to abandon the principles to which I was trying so desperately to cling.
I went to bed, but not to sleep. I lay awake for a long time thinking of Jake in his room, waiting for me in vain.
It was symbolic of the future.
I must never go to him. I must give my life to looking after Edward. I felt very apprehensive, waiting, fearful that Jake would come to me, for if he did I knew I should have no power to resist.