Oh, good god, no. I would have run from that.
Q: Did Benjamin’s clients, patients …
Children. [Laughs]
Q: Did you keep in touch with one another?”
Pretty much so. For example, my friend Charlotte, whom I mention in the book. She was stepmother to three children. We ran around as couples, and of course neither husband knew.
Q: You were married three times and none of them knew about your surgery whenyou married?’
I just didn’t see the need to share that information. And actually still don’t. It just seems to me that you are cutting out problems for yourself, if you say, “Before we go any further, I must share this with you.” And then you have your first fight, and you think, “Had I not told him, would we have had this fight? What is he thinking? Is he judging me?” Now if you are secure enough in yourself, perhaps you don’t go through that. I’ve never been that secure.
Q: So when do you tell?”
If you wait until after the fact (and I have experience with this), that’s worse. That can really be seen as betrayal. I don’t have any answers with any of this. I would hate to be with a man and worry that he was with me because he couldn’t quite accept homosexuality. And all those nagging ugly little thoughts. You buy your ticket and take your chances.
Q: Do you think things were easier when you transitioned?
No doubt about it. People did not know what to look for. There were so few of us, as I’m fond of saying, very few transsexual houses on the block. Forget community; there were few houses on the block. And the people that I knew were friends, for example, my friend Stormy that I write about in the book. She was a vivid character. But she also was very fortunate in that she was beautiful. And I don’t mean to say that everyone must be. But passing, or blending, being able to survive in the world of your choice, is extremely important. I just don’t see running up flags and banners to say, “We’re different.” Because that’s what they are saying to me, “We’re different than you are.” And I don’t feel different.
I went too far by denying my history. But… I have discovered that when I was teaching locally and the word went out [about my trans-sexuality] the principal said, “Why should I be upset? Come back next year.” That is because I have done my job well. I have presented myself respectfully, with some decorum. I would hate to be seated here with you and have a representative of the TG community come in and make a spectacle. It would make me feel embarrassed, but I would feel the same way if anyone came in and made a spectacle. It takes us back rather than pushing us forward.
Q: You haven’t had the sense that you were discriminated against in your own life?”
I was discriminated against when I was perceived to be a gay man. But after that, no. I mean, granted, there have been situations where a love of my life whom I had shared this information with said, “I can’t stay.” But he didn’t hit me upside the head. This was his choice. And that could have been based on any number of things. So, no, I don’t feel discriminated against.
Q: But others do feel discriminated against?”
I understand that. When I first came here, I went to a support group, thinking that I could be a great deal of help. I was pretty much rejected by that group because what I was saying was, “My training is how to walk, how to sit, how to use makeup,” and they were saying, “We are who we are, and society has to learn to accept us this way.” And I don’t think society has to do anything, nor does society owe us anything.
Q: Your view is a not a popular one in today’s trans community. I’m sure that many don’t want to hear it.
They don’t. I’m not out there sharing this. But this is very important to me because I feel that what Dr. Benjamin labeled—I started to say “started,” but we know that’s not true—but he put a focus on something that he happened to call “transsexual,” though it has little or nothing to do with sexuality. But his dream for us was that we should be able to fulfill our dream. That we go into society, that we blend and go on with our lives, and so it is an affront to me when I hear people say, “We want to shock. We want to,” in my estimation, “be as offensive as possible.”
There are not many of me around. They’re dying off. And the others that are preaching the same gospel are not coming forward. They’re comfortable in the life they’ve chosen. And I think I do probably tiptoe around that subject in the book. It disturbed me to see … well, we had no political agenda, and to see people getting mileage out of just being transgendered? This is something that you are. I personally see it as Benjamin saw it… something that happened during that hormonal bath and it’s just something that we have to correct. Just like you have to get rid of your appendix, this is just something else we have to get rid of.
Over the years it seems to me—and I know that this sounds harsh—almost any troubled being thought they could put on a dress and say, “Here’s a comfortable label.” Because in the beginning we were medical problems, and there was a bit of understanding and sympathy, and I think that we attracted a lot of troubled people. That’s not politically correct at all, but I’ve seen it. And I just say, these are not our brothers and sisters. And I have to say that is more true for our sisters. By and large, I don’t think that I’ve ever met an FTM that I don’t just adore.
Q: When did you first encounter the transgender movement?’
I had not heard that term, “transgendered,” until about two years ago. “Transsexual” I knew. I find it all very interesting. Sunday, I went to a group here called Mountain Women, predominantly lesbian-identified. One of the women wanted to hold hands and say, “We’re not men, we’re not women, we’re just beings who are experiencing this day.” And I thought, “Now I don’t know how much alcohol it took her to get there, but isn’t that a lovely philosophy.” If we all felt that way, I think that maybe that’s where we are moving as a species. It would be a great move for women, wouldn’t it, to have that power?
But I’m disturbed that my brothers and sisters still need to label themselves, rather than just saying, “I am changing to the gender of my choice, and that’s all there is to it.” We do not need to unite, we do not need to do anything, or even ride in the Gay Pride Parade. What is this? I don’t feel any more gay than the man in the moon. I just don’t get it. But then I think perhaps I’ve been extremely lucky that I was allowed to be. I wasn’t labeled. I could go on with my life.
Of course, coming from Dr. Benjamin’s point of view and reference, the objective is to get this out of the way and go on to join the mainstream. So it disturbs me—not a major disturbance, but still— that there is a movement that’s saying there’s a third gender here. I think we’re all on a continuum anyway, a mix of male and female. Just stop being so goddamn intellectually smug about this whole thing. At the same time, I don’t want people in the transgender movement being slaughtered.
Q: When you first came out to California you began working at Finoc-chio ‘s, the famous drag club in San Francisco.
Yes, Finocchio’s was definitely a training ground. But as good as Finocchio’s was for me, it was merely a stepping-stone. My life actually began in 1962, with surgery. It was a rebirth, truly. Everything prior to that was in preparation for a better life. I didn’t know what that better life was going to be, or how I was going to get there, but I was very aware of not being comfortable in the life I was living. This was not me. I had that brief time span onstage at Finocchio’s, when people applauded and said, “Ooh” and “Aah,” but that was as close as I had ever gotten to what I wanted. But that was only on the stage, not off.