MARIANNE: But I actually do understand that question, because it’s so core. Those details of daily life. If you get so far as to say, “Okay let’s just pretend that I get to be this guy, where would I go to the bathroom?” Especially when things are organized on that binary gender line … you are transgressing a big rule.
Q: Maybe we should just have unisex bathrooms.
KENNARD: But that was one of the things that shot down the ERA, don’t you remember? People get really weirded out about the issue of bathrooms!
When I finally decided to go through this transition, the thing that really got it for me was that I worked for this bank and had a membership for a health club. So I always wore shirts and ties to work, and then I go to the health club and you have to tell them your name. Okay, I had this female name. Okay, I have to go into the women’s locker room. It sent me right back to high school. It was one of the most traumatic things that ever happened to me. There were these nude women in there, and I was like this. [Mimes shielding his eyes and slinking by I was not looking. The staff person was like, “And here we have the sauna,” and I’m like, “Okay, all right.” I just felt like I can’t go and be in women’s locker rooms anymore. And it was right after that I said, “Okay, I’m taking hormones” and transitioned. So now I have the other problem. I can’t go into the men’s locker room and get naked.
MARIANNE: There is a certain amount of privilege in walking around the world in a body that fits who you feel like you are. Not just with gender, but with all kinds of things. Not having that privilege makes negotiating the things that are usually much harder.
KENNARD: Another problem for us is health care. I had gone through menopause at about thirty-seven. And I went to the doctor, and I said, “I think I’m going through menopause,” and he said, “No, you’re too young,” and I said, “No, I don’t think so.” So he does the hormone test, and says, “You are.” And he wants me to take estrogen! Then, when I started on testosterone, I had really bad problems with cramps. So when I started having the cramps, I went to the doctor and he’s like, “You don’t have cramps. It’s colitis.” And I’m like, “No, I’ve finally figured out where my uterus is, and it hurts.”
Then came the saga of trying to find a gynecologist as a male. I’d call up and say, “I’d like to make an appointment,” and the receptionist would say, “This is gynecology.” And I’d say, “I know that.” And she’d say, “Do you know what we do in gynecology?” And I’d say, “I know what you do in gynecology. Could you just make an appointment with the doctor, please?” So I went to this guy, who did a hysterectomy and he’d never seen an FTM and he’d never heard of it, and he wasn’t very cool at first, but he kind of got okay.
One day before the surgery, the doctor said, “Do you want to be in a men’s room or a woman’s room?” And I’m like, “You know, here’s the thing. I’m Thomas. If you put me in the woman’s room, she’s going to be like, ‘What is that man doing here?’ And if you put me in a man’s room, I’ll be really uncomfortable with that because I’m having a hysterectomy.” So he said, “I think I’ll get you a private room.” And that’s what we did.
The last appointment, when we went back there so that he could make sure everything was okay, the receptionist came out into the waiting room and she says, “Miss Thomas Kennard.” So now I have to stand up. The [receptionist] looks at me, she looks at Marianne. We go back to the room and [she] starts talking to Marianne, saying “When was your last period?” Marianne says, “I’m not the patient.” The [receptionist] just kept it up. Marianne said, “I’m not the patient. He’s the patient. He had the hysterectomy. He needs to see the doctor.” The woman just went white.
MARIANNE: She was an older lady. She was really just afraid. She was freaked out.
KENNARD: I was really uncomfortable. I said, “You know, I have to go to the men’s room. I can’t even do this.” I said, “Where’s the men’s room?” And she’s like this. [Frozen]
MARIANNE: She couldn’t even speak. She was afraid.
KENNARD: So I went out, and when I came back she was gone. Marianne had gotten rid of her. What did you say?
MARIANNE: I said, “What are you afraid of?” I don’t even remember now exactly what I said. She was terrified.
Q: I’ve heard a lot about gynecologic problems among transmen.
KENNARD: We all seem to get this problem with the cramps, because of the testosterone. But other than that, I only had menopause early. You’d have to pull teeth to get me to a gynecologist. Going to a gynecologist is like acknowledging that you are really female somehow, and we’re not having any of that. Like, I didn’t know where my uterus was. They made me get a sonogram before my surgery, and they didn’t tell the woman [technician] anything, I guess. And she’s running it over my abdomen, looking over at the monitor, looking at me. She asks me, “Can I ask you a really personal question? Do you have ambiguous genitals?” So I said, “No, I’m just a regular transsexual.”
Q: And what was her response?
KENNARD:“Oh, okay.” She was really nice. But then this gynecologist wrote me a note and said that I had to have a mammogram. And I called for the appointment and I went there for it, and they helped every woman in the room. Finally: “Can I help you, sir?” I said, “I have an appointment at two.” And she said, “Well, you don’t have one here, but I’ll find out where it is.” And then she’s like, “Oh, you do have one here.” And we go back, and I said, “Marianne has to go in the room with me.” And I think this woman was a lesbian and she was my age, and she was not happy with the situation.
MARIANNE: She really wasn’t.
KENNARD: She said, “No, nobody can go in.” I said, “Marianne has to go in. We have to figure out a way for this to happen.” So I got her in there. But she didn’t give me a thing to cover up. I’m already sensitive, because I’m really hairy. I felt like a freak.
MARIANNE: And I remember saying, because he was so freaked out, “Maybe we should say something to her, like ‘I’m really uncomfortable with this situation,’” because then the person will usually, even if they are not real keen on it, [it’s] at least an opening for them to maybe become a bit nicer. But you did that, and it didn’t help. She was still very short.
KENNARD: If you appeal to people’s humanity, especially women, they’re usually okay. I just said, “It’s really hard for me. I feel like a freak. I don’t want to be here.” But it didn’t work with her. It was like I had gone over to the enemy or something. It’s like I was saying before: younger people are much better about it than lesbian women my age.
Q: Would you mind if we talked a little about your relationship and how you got together and the challenges of being in a relationship with a person who is transitioning?
MARIANNE: One thing that was helpful was that Tom wasn’t the first trans person that I knew. I was friends with other transpeople and their partners. Some of my friends have been in a situation where they came to know their partner as one gender, as one identity, and then in the context of their relationship that changed, and so they had to make that transition, to give up that identity that they had shared as a couple and transition into a new one. And that is a journey that I really respect. But Tom was already transitioning, and that definitely was an advantage for us as a couple.