Zander left me there and I watched him walk in the direction I could only assume was his bedroom. I set the damp cloth on the sink and went back to the living room. Mieke was sitting where I’d left her, but her face was full of anxiety. I sat down beside her and pulled her into my arms.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I didn’t realize… I’m sorry.”
I tucked her head under my chin and tightened my hold around her. “It’s okay, baby. You wanted to see him and I understand your need to. Everything will be okay. I swear.”
She let out a shuddery breath and we sat there in silence while we waited for Zander to come out of his bedroom. He was gone five minutes and when he sat down on the coffee table in front of us, he’d changed his clothes and his hair was damp from the shower. His face was still pale, but there was a new determination in his eyes. Eyes that weren’t all green anymore. There was more gold now and I was proud of him for grabbing hold of his control for his daughter.
Slowly, Mieke lifted her head and met her father’s gaze. She swallowed hard and gave him a tight smile. “I’m sorry I upset you. When I decided to come here I didn’t realize how hard it would be for you. I mean, I knew it was hard for me, but I didn’t know it would make you…” She broke off and sucked in another shaky breath. “I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry about, Mieke. Ever. I was upset—am upset—but not at you, sweetheart.” He gave her a smile I remembered from our childhood; one I’d grown to rely on as we’d gotten older. It was full of so many different things that I knew our girl needed right then: reassurance, understanding…love.
Zander held out his hand and she didn’t hesitate to take it. His smile didn’t waver as he looked at her. “Tell me about yourself. I want to know everything about my daughter.”
Mieke’s eyes quickly locked onto mine, as if she were almost frightened to talk about herself. I tried to mirror Zander’s smile. “How about I start from the beginning?” She nodded and I cleared my throat. “Mieke was born three months early. She and…her twin sister.”
My eyes were on Mieke’s but I could practically feel Zander’s reaction. The air went completely still around him and I gave my daughter a watery smile. Thinking about her sister always ripped open old emotions and memories that were painful.
“We have another daughter?” His voice was raspy, but I didn’t so much as blink, not daring to break eye contact with Mieke when she needed me.
I swallowed around the lump in my throat. “No, we had another daughter. Mieke and her identical twin were born three months too early because I’d fallen and it put me into labor. They couldn’t stop it so they had to take both babies by C-section.” A tear spilled from Mieke’s green and gold eyes, and I lifted a trembling hand to wipe it away. “There were complications. They were too early and I nearly lost them both.”
“Go on,” he whispered roughly, encouraging me when I would have stopped. The memories were overwhelming me.
“The doctors knew there was going to be no helping Michelle… That’s what I named her, Michelle Anna Cassidy. I used a variation of your middle name and my first for her,” I explained.
“It’s beautiful, Anna.”
“She was. Even as small as she was, she was so beautiful. Just like Mieke.”
“Wh-what happened?”
“Mieke’s lungs were better developed than Michelle’s, but there was a hole in her heart…and other complications with it. The doctor said that even if I’d carried to full term, that Mieke’s heart would still have had issues. Michelle’s was perfect, but there were so many other complications with her that there was no way to help her. The doctors came into my room and told me that I could lose one daughter…” The first tear fell, but I didn’t bother to wipe it away. Every time I cried for Michelle, I never wiped away the tears. It felt like I was wiping away her memory if I did. “…Or both. I didn’t understand what he was telling me at first, and I was barely out from under the anesthesia, but I remember the doctor looking at Noah and explaining that they wanted to give Michelle’s heart to Mieke.”
Without releasing her father’s hand, Mieke tugged her shirt down until the top of her scar was visible on her chest. It was just a faded white scar now, not the angry red it had been for the first years of her life. As she’d grown, the scar had gotten smaller, but it was still a big scar. “Mom didn’t lose her, Dad. Michelle is still alive as long as my heart beats.”
I glanced at Zander then. Saw the way his whole body seemed to shudder in agony. I knew how he was feeling. It was like your heart was bleeding. Every time I looked at Mieke, I felt that way. I expected him to jump up, to turn away from us, as his eyes filled with tears. When he didn’t, but just tightened his hold on Mieke’s hand, I was surprised but proud of him.
We were all quiet for a long moment, each of us lost in our own thoughts. Finally I cleared my throat and went on. “Noah and Chelsea gave Michelle a funeral. Mieke and I both had to stay in the hospital for a long time afterward—Mieke much longer than me, of course. They buried Michelle beside my dad, which was pretty close to Gram and Gramps too, if you ever want to go see her.”
I hadn’t known until after my brother had buried Michelle that Zander’s grandparents had died. He must have kept it out of the papers, probably to make sure I didn’t go to the funeral. At that time, it had just been one more blow to my heart. I had hoped to take Mieke down to West Bridge and share her with her great-grandmother, if not her father. I knew Gram and Gramps would have loved her… And yeah, I knew the old lady would have beat her grandson with a spoon the second she found out he hadn’t been in contact with me since he’d left, not letting me tell him he was going to be a father.
“I do,” he choked out. “Soon.”
I nodded. “Okay.” I went to visit her every Sunday when I was home. Yet another reason I didn’t know if I was going to be able to take Emmie Armstrong up on her offer. Maybe if I could work from Tennessee, like I’d been doing, but not if I had to be in California so often. I knew she’d said that becoming partners didn’t mean I had to leave Nashville, but I had a feeling that California would be where I was most needed.
“I got to go home when I was six months old, Dad.” Mieke continued when she realized I was reluctant to go on. I didn’t want to get to the other part. I didn’t want to remember…
“I looked like a little drowned rat with no hair, but by the time I was two I was where everyone said I was supposed to be. The doctors always said I’d be tiny, but by the time I was four I was taller than average. Mom says I’m still a shrimp because I get my height from you and I should probably be taller.” She smiled for him, the one to reassure him this time. “And because I have Michelle’s heart, I like to think that I can live enough for both of us. I try to, anyway.”
“You do, sweetheart,” I assured her. “You do.”
Zander nodded, agreeing readily with me. “Yeah, honey. You do.” His gaze turned to me all of a sudden. “That was why you called Rich. Because of the babies… But what happened later? Why did you wait until then to try and call me again?”
I closed my eyes. Remembering what had happened when I’d lost Michelle was hard to face every day, but at the same time I’d always been thankful for what time I’d had with her. I’d gotten to hold her for a few minutes before they had taken away both my babies and only returned with one. What had happened five years later…? That’s the one memory I hated to remember. It was the one that I woke up in a cold sweat to some nights.
“It’s okay, Mom.” Mieke squeezed my hand and I opened my eyes, smiling for her. It would always ever be just for her when I smiled with those memories running through my head.
“You’re scaring the hell out of me here, Anna.” Zander’s voice growled at me. “What happened? What put that look on your face and how the fuck do I erase it?”