I was so enthralled with what she was saying that I was surprised when Annabelle pulled to a stop in a church parking lot. Reluctantly I turned my eyes away from Annabelle’s profile and looked out the windshield at the graveyard just beyond the church. I knew this place well. I remembered standing here, holding Annabelle’s hand when she buried her father, and her doing the same when my mother had died of breast cancer. I remembered coming here and watching as my grandmother had been lowered into the ground beside her daughter and doing the same just a few weeks later with my gramps.
Somewhere out there in that graveyard was my baby girl.
I closed my eyes and sucked in several deep breaths. When the passenger-side door opened, I snapped my eyes open and found Annabelle standing there, holding out her hand to me. Her eyes were so sad, glazed with tears that mirrored my own. “They say the first time is always the hardest,” she assured me. “And I wish I could tell you that each time gets a little easier, but honestly for me, it never has.” She lowered her eyes to the blanket draped over her arm, but still held out her hand, waiting for me to take it. “I usually bring a blanket and spread it on the ground beside her headstone. I lie there and put my hand over where I think she is resting and pretend I’m rubbing her back.”
A tear spilled from her right eye and the sight unglued me. I jumped down from the SUV and wrapped my arms around her. I hugged her against me, wanting to take away all the pain that I’d seen in her blue eyes. Quietly I closed the door and lifted her into my arms, tucking her head against my chest. I remembered where her father was buried, and since she’d told me she’d put Michelle next to him, that was the direction I started walking.
It didn’t take long to find what I was looking for. There was plenty of light coming from the church’s parking lot and the moon was shining brightly, as if offering both of us comfort that night. Carefully, I placed Annabelle on her feet and took the large throw from her. I spread it over the ground right beside the little headstone that read:
Michelle Anna Cassidy
Beloved Angel Who Will Forever Be In Our Hearts
The date of her birth was the same date of her death. If I’d thought seeing my daughter’s grave would help me in any way, I was wrong. Devastatingly wrong. My knees buckled and I fell onto them beside the headstone. Bowing my head, I let my tears fall freely.
Annabelle left me to my grief for several minutes, as if she knew that I needed the time to myself. But then she knelt beside me, her head resting against my arm and her soft fingers entwining with mine. Having her there, offering me the comfort I hadn’t given her when she had needed it the most, shamed me, but I didn’t pull away from her. I needed her. Needed this.
Still holding onto my hand, she leaned forward and touched her free hand to the ground where I was sure Michelle rested in her casket. “Hey, sweet girl. Sorry I haven’t been to see you in a few weeks. Work got a little crazy, but Mommy’s home now. I won’t be going away again for a while.”
It didn’t surprise me to hear Annabelle talking to the little girl buried there. Neither did the pure love I heard in her soft voice. What surprised me was the peace that washed over me from watching and listening to her. A small smile tilted at her lips as she continued to speak to our daughter.
“Mieke has been sneaky, but I guess you already know that. She talks to you more often than I do. Did you watch over her while she flew out to California?” She laughed a little shakily, but it was oddly filled with joy. “You’re such an amazing angel, watching over your sister like you do. I can never repay you for taking care of her for me.”
A few more tears fell from Annabelle’s eyes, but she didn’t pause as she continued to speak to Michelle. “I brought someone to meet you tonight. I think you’ve been on his mind a lot lately because he couldn’t even wait until morning to come here to see you.” Her fingers tightened around mine, offering me comfort in that little squeeze. “He’s your daddy, baby. And I know he loves you just as much as I do.”
Annabelle lifted her head then and I met her gaze. I lifted my hand, wanting to wipe away her tears, but she stopped me. “No. Don’t ever wipe away a tear that is for Michelle.” She swallowed hard once, twice, and then tried to smile. “I’m going to walk back to the SUV and give you two some time to catch up. You can talk to her if you want. It’s what brings me comfort. But you can just lie here and be close to her. Whatever helps, do it.”
She wrapped her arms around my neck, burying her face in my neck for nearly a full minute before releasing me and getting to her feet. I watched as she walked back to her vehicle and was safely inside before turning my attention back to my daughter’s grave.
Now that I was here, I didn’t know what to do, what to say. For several long minutes I just sat there, staring down at the headstone, my eyes tracing over each letter. Eventually I lay down and put my hand in the same spot that Annabelle had touched. Closing my eyes, I pictured what Michelle would look like. Mieke was her identical twin so they would look exactly alike, but I wondered what her personality would have been like.
Without realizing it, I found myself asking her that question. Once the first words were out it became easier to talk to her and before I knew it my chest wasn’t hurting nearly as badly as it had when I’d been in bed. It felt like I talked to her forever, finding it just as easy to talk to Michelle as I did Mieke.
It was getting late and as much as I wanted to spend the rest of the night right there, I knew we needed to get home to Mieke, who might wake up and be worried that we weren’t there. I sat up, still rubbing little circles on the ground where Michelle rested. “I’m so sorry, honey. I love you so damn much. Please, if nothing else, believe that. I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make up to your mom and sister for not being there when they needed me—when you needed me. Out of all my regrets, my biggest is that I didn’t get to hold you.” Tears streamed down my face, but I didn’t wipe them away. Like Annabelle, I would never wipe away a tear that was for Michelle. “I’d give up my last breath to get that time back, to hold you and tell you how much I love you.”
A soft hand touched my shoulder, but it didn’t startle me. I’d sensed Annabelle long before she’d reached me. I covered her hand, squeezing it and silently thanking her for being there with me. “How do you leave?” I asked her. “How do you get up and leave her every time?” I needed to know how she did it, because even though I knew we needed to get home to Mieke, I couldn’t bring myself to stand up and walk away from this little grave.
“You take a deep breath, tell her you love her, and take one step at a time,” Annabelle whispered. “Don’t worry, Z. She knows we love her, and she will be waiting right here for us to come back.”
C HAPTER T WENTY T HREE
Annabelle
The sun was just coming up when we walked into the kitchen. My heart was still feeling heavy, like it always did after a visit to West Bridge to see Michelle, but I was also feeling more at peace than I had in a long time. Maybe for the first time since I’d been told Michelle wasn’t going to make it.
Seeing Zander at our daughter’s grave—watching how completely torn apart he was over the loss of our little girl—it had healed something inside of me. Not because he’d been in so much pain; no, I didn’t take pleasure in his pain now. It was because I had him to share the pain with. Sure my brother and sister-in-law had hurt at the loss of Michelle, but they would never truly feel how heartbroken I’d been—still was—at the loss of my baby. Zander did, though.