Pulling out a chair at the kitchen island, Zander sat down heavily. I moved to the coffee pot, hitting the button to start a pot of the strong brew Jesse Thornton had taught me to make. With the sound of the liquid hitting the bottom of the coffee pot filling the kitchen, I moved to stand beside Zander. He’d been so quiet on the drive back, his eyes looking lost with very few flecks of gold in sight.
I ached for him, knowing exactly how hard it had been for him to stand up and walk away from Michelle. Unable to see him like that and not offer him some kind of comfort, I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my face in his chest. Damn, he smelled good. My body instantly took notice of the delicious scent and reveled in the heat of his body so close.
He didn’t even hesitate as his arms wrapped around my waist, his hold almost crushing me against him. He held on until long after the last drop of coffee had dripped into the pot, but I didn’t try to move away. I needed this more than coffee.
Fuck, I needed this more than anything.
Zander sucked in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I stayed drunk for two weeks after I left you that morning.”
I went completely still against him. Here it comes, the reason he didn’t come back for me. I knew that whatever left his mouth shouldn’t matter now. Seventeen years had gone by since it had happened. That didn’t mean I wanted to stand there and let him break my heart all over again by hearing what had been so terrible that he hadn’t wanted to come back for me. That he couldn’t even pick up a phone or a pen and tell me goodbye like he should have so that we could have at least had some kind of closure.
I didn’t move away, though. I stood there, waiting for him to continue because I knew he needed to get it out, to purge it so he could move on. I just hoped I could move on, too.
“For the first two days, I avoided the cell I’d gotten so we could talk like I’d promised. Just thinking about hearing your voice would make my chest hurt, and I knew that if I heard you cry, I’d have been back in Tennessee in a flash.” He tightened his hold even more, cutting off my air, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t sure I would have been able to breathe even if I could. “I pussied out and avoided the pain, then drowned it in any bottle that Rich Branson handed me.”
He said his old manager’s name more like a curse than anything else. I remembered the paps going to town when the story had broken about Demon’s Wings dropping Rich Branson, the restraining order that Emmie had to take out against the old man, and even the assault charges that Rich had tried to file against Nik Armstrong for knocking him out. Within a month, OtherWorld had cut ties with their manager and signed on with Emmie. With two of his biggest clients gone, and the reasons for it spreading like wildfire, Branson had been bankrupt within a year.
“The booze made the pain of missing you…not better, but I guess easier to deal with.” He blew out a harsh breath, as if frustrated with himself. “It numbed me up and I stayed that way for a full week.”
“You said you were drunk for two weeks,” I murmured and felt him nod his head but didn’t dare look up at him. I didn’t know what I would see in his eyes right then and had no idea if I could deal with what I would see.
“Yeah. At the end of the first week, on the last stop of our pseudo-tour that Rich arranged to give us his version of a real rocker experience, I woke up in a hotel room with three girls lying on top of me.”
I shut my eyes tight, trying to block out the mental picture he’d just put in my head. I couldn’t, ah fuck, I couldn’t. Before he’d left, I’d known that there was a huge chance that something like that would happen, that he’d cheat. But after that last night, after he’d made love to me all night long, I’d thought my fears weren’t anything to worry about.
Sucking in a deep, pain-filled breath, I tried to pull away from him. Zander didn’t let me move back more than an inch before tightening his hold. I still didn’t lift my eyes to meet his and he didn’t try to force me to, but I could feel his gaze drilling into the top of my down-bent head.
Tears stung my eyes and clogged my throat, my heart breaking for the second time in my life over this man. I didn’t expect it to hurt this much, didn’t think I could still feel this kind of pain over something that had happened another lifetime ago.
“I went a little crazy when I opened my eyes and saw what I’d done. Tore the fucking room apart. It took Wroth and Devlin to calm my ass down. When I was able to think a little clearer, Dev told me that nothing had happened. I’d passed out and the girls had just stuck around. Later, I found out Branson had paid the girls to make it look like I’d fucked them.” His voice was full of a menace I’d never heard before from Zander.
Slowly, I lifted my eyes and met his dark green and gold eyes. “Y-you didn’t…? But…”
Zander lifted a hand that noticeably shook and wiped away a tear that I hadn’t realized had fallen from my eyes. “The second week I stayed drunk because I realized I’d been right all along. I wasn’t good enough for you. I didn’t fuck those girls, but what about the next time? I was a fucked-up mess and you deserved so much better than that. I wanted my rock-star dream and I wanted you, but I couldn’t have both. I picked one over the other. You deserved a man who would pick you over anything and everything else, Anna. That guy wasn’t me.”
I swallowed back the lump in my throat. “So why couldn’t you just tell me that?”
He flinched at the chill in my tone. “Because I knew if I heard your voice, I’d throw away my dream and be home with you. I’d have given it all up in the blink of an eye if I’d talked to you, baby. But I was too much of a pussy, and too much of a selfish bastard to do that. Part of me liked the lifestyle I’d found with OtherWorld. I was living the dream I’d envisioned for myself for most of my life. Playing my music for thousands of fans every night, hearing them chant our name, seeing them rock out with us. It was a high all its own. I wasn’t ready to walk away from that yet.”
Oddly enough, I understood where he was coming from. Even at sixteen I’d known that Zander would always pick his music over anything, me included. I’d even accepted it—or so I’d told myself. Hearing him admit it now was like being punched in the chest. I didn’t know what hurt more, the thought of him cheating on me just days after making me a promise to come back for me … or having him say out loud that I’d come in second place.
No one wanted to be second best, damn it.
I pushed against Zander’s chest until he dropped his hands and took three steps back. “From the time you started playing with my brother in the garage, I knew you were destined for great things, Z.” My voice was raspy from the tears I refused to let fall. I’d cried enough that day. I wasn’t going to shed another one. Not when I’d known better, but still hoped for something more…
Fucking hope destroyed lives.
“I knew it and yet I let myself fall in love with you anyway. I knew it even though I let myself believe you when you gave me your grandmother’s ring and promised me that you would be back. I can’t blame you for something when I knew better than to hope I would ever mean more to you than what everyone could see you ached for.” I pushed my hair back from my face and finally met his gaze. My eyes ached, but not with tears. They were dry now. So dry I doubted I’d ever cry again. “So if anyone is at fault here, it’s me. I’m the one who hoped for something I knew I couldn’t have—even if it was just a small piece.”
His face tightened, but I turned away from him, hurting too much to worry about his own pain right then. I loved him so much—I probably always would—that seeing his pain would only increase my own and I’d want to comfort him. To tell him it was going to be okay.