In fact I was relieved to note that she did not know Jucundus was my son, for women are often frighteningly perceptive in such matters. I was much more affronted by her insane accusation that Aunt Laelia had committed suicide because of me. But I told her that I would forgive her these evil words and I also told her to ask Cephas, for instance, about how much I had done for the Christians and to save him from Tigellinus’ clutches.
“You mustn’t believe only Prisca and Aquila and some others whose names I won’t bother to mention,” I said. “I know they are followers of Paul. And take note too that I have helped Paul in his day to escape several charges. He’s not even sought after in Iberia at present because, partly thanks to me, Nero no longer wishes to hear about the Christians.”
“I’ll believe whom I like,” said Claudia angrily. ‘You always wriggle out of things. I can’t think how I can go on living with a man like you, with your hands dripping with the blood of the faithful. There’s nothing I regret more than that you are the father of my son.”
I thought perhaps I had better not remind her of who it had been who had first come to my bed and that it was I who had at her pressing request made an honest woman of her by secretly marrying her. Fortunately the secret documents which had been left in the keeping of the Vestals had been destroyed in the fire, and the State archives had also been burned down; thus I had no need to fear that my marriage would be revealed. So I was sensible and kept my mouth shut, for I could read an obvious wish to negotiate in your mother’s words.
Claudia laid down her conditions. I must improve my way of life inasmuch as that was possible for a godless person like myself. I must also ask Christ for forgiveness for my ill deeds, and first and foremost I must leave the menagerie and the office of superintendent without delay.
“If you won’t think of me and my reputation, then at least you might think of your son and his future,” said Claudia. “Your son is one of the last people in Rome who has both Julian and Claudian blood in his veins. For his sake, you must obtain a position of standing so that as a man he need not know of your shameful past.”
Claudia thought I would resist her with all my strength because I had put so much money into the menagerie and my wild animals, and won such acclaim at the amphitheater for my shows. So I found myself in an advantageous position to negotiate with her on the future. I had myself decided to leave the menagerie, although not, of course, because of the slaughter of the Christians at the circus. I had been against that from the start, but had of necessity been forced to organize the task as appropriately as possible despite the great effort and shortage of time involved. I see no reason why I should be ashamed of that.
The most important reason was that I had to come to some financial agreement with my first wife, Flavia Sabina. It had been easy for me to promise her half my fortune when Epaphroditus had been throttling me, but as time went by, I felt more and more antipathy to this thought.
As I now had a son whom I could be quite certain was my own, I also considered it unjust that my little five-year-old illegitimate Lausus should one day inherit as much as he would. I had nothing against Lausus as such, but as the years went by he grew more and more dark-skinned and more and more curly-headed, so that sometimes I was ashamed that I had to allow him to use my name.
On the other hand, I knew very well that the powerful Epaphroditus was completely in Sabina’s hands, and Sabina was sufficiently ruthless to have me murdered if I bargained too far. But I had thought out an excellent plan to be rid of my problem and had in preparation even talked about it to Sabina.
Epaphroditus had received his freedman’s stave and citizenship from Nero himself long before I had any idea of the relationship between him and Sabina. Not that Sabina had not lain with other animal trainers now and again as well, but after our divorce, Epaphroditus had held a surprisingly tight rein on her and had beaten her now and again, much to her satisfaction.
I had decided to give to Sabina the entire menagerie with its slaves, wild animals, contracts and all, and to suggest to Nero that he appoint Epaphroditus as superintendent in my place. Epaphroditus was a citizen, but for the sake of my own reputation it was important that my successor should also be a member of the Noble Order of Knights.
If I could persuade Nero to have an African enrolled into the roll of knights for the first time in the history of Rome, then Sabina could be legally married to him. This would be all the easier now that her father had disowned her and there would be no Flavian family opposition to stop the marriage. In exchange for this, Sabina had promised to adopt Lausus and give up his right to inherit from my estate. But she would not believe that Nero would appoint a man who was at least half Negro to be a Roman knight.
Nevertheless, I knew Nero, and had all too often heard him boast that nothing was impossible for him. As an artist and friend of mankind he did not regard a colored skin or even Jewishness as an obstacle to State office. In the African provinces many colored men had long since acquired the rank of knight in their home cities, via wealth or military merits.
When I agreed to Claudia’s conciliatory suggestions, apparently hesitantly and complaining of my losses, not only had I nothing to lose, but I was also escaping considerable financial sacrifices: Sabina’s demands and those of my son Lausus. It was worth doing one’s best for all this, although I gloomily prophesied to Claudia that Nero would be offended at my resigning from an office he had appointed me to. I would be in disfavor and perhaps would even be risking my life.
Claudia replied with a smile that I need no longer bother about Nero’s favor since I had already endangered my life by bringing a son with Claudian blood in him into the world. Her remark brought a cold shiver to the back of my neck, but now she graciously agreed to show you to me as we were reconciled.
So I plucked up my courage and asked Sabina, Epaphroditus and Lausus to come with me, and asked for an audience with Nero in the completed part of the Golden Palace on one of those afternoons when I could count on his having finished his meal and refreshing bath and continuing his drinking and pleasures late into the night. Artists were just completing the murals in the corridors, and the circular banqueting hall, glittering with gold and ivory, was still only half finished.
You were a beautiful, faultless child, gazing far away with your dark blue eyes and gripping hard on my thumb with your small fingers, as if you wished to rob me of my gold ring at once. You took my heart anyhow, and nothing like that had ever happened to me before. You are my son and you can do nothing about it.
Nero was just planning a giant statue of himself which was to be erected in front of the link arcade. He showed me the drawings and drew attention to the sculptor in such a flattering way that he introduced the craftsman to me, as if we were of the same rank. I was not offended, for the main thing was that Nero should be in a good mood.
He willingly sent the craftsman away when I asked to speak to him alone, and then looked guilty, rubbing his chin and admitting that he too had some things to talk to me about. He had been putting them off for fear I should be annoyed.
I explained verbosely to him how I had long and faithfully sacrificed myself to the care of the menagerie in Rome and that I now felt that this task was beyond me, especially in view of the new menagerie which was being built in connection with the Golden Palace. I felt that I could not manage this task which demantled artistic taste, so I should be extremely grateful if he could release me from the office.
When Nero noticed the trend my long speech was taking, his face cleared and he burst out laughing in relief and slapped me on the back in the most friendly way as a sign of his favor.