I've decided who I am, I tell her, pulling her back toward me.
There's a wonderful contact between us, her cleavage tightening, breasts buoyant.
Who? she says.
We're both breathing hard. Tiny drops of sweat are forming at the top of her forehead.
F.Scott Fitzgerald.
Katie shakes her head and smiles. Her tongue flits in the gap between her teeth. You can't, she says. Scott Fitzgerald's not allowed.
We're both talking loudly, our mouths closer and closer to each other's ears in order to hear above the music.
Why not? I ask, getting my lips tangled in a few strands of hair. She has a dot of perfume on her neck, the same way she did in the darkroom, and the continuum between there and here-the idea that we really are the same people, just differently dressed-is enough.
Because he was a member of Cottage, she says, leaning forward. That's blasphemy.
I smile. So how long does this keep up?
The ball? Until the service starts.
It takes me a second to remember that tomorrow is Easter.
At midnight? I ask.
She nods. Kelly and the others are worried about turnout at the chapel.
Almost on cue, we make another turn on the floor and Kelly Danner passes into view, pointing her index finger at a sophomore in a flashy tux vest, the body language of a witch changing a prince into a toad. All-powerful Kelly Danner, the woman not even Gil trifles with.
They're making everyone go? I say, thinking even Kelly would be hard-pressed to manage that.
Katie shakes her head. They're closing the club and suggesting that people go.
There's an edge to her voice when she talks about Kelly, so I decide not to press. Watching the couples around us, I can't help but think about Paul, who always seemed alone here.
Just then, the rhythm of the entire party is thrown off when one final couple arrives at the door, late enough to upstage everyone else. It's Parker Hassett and his date. True to his word, Parker has dyed his hair brown, parted it rigidly down the left side, and donned an inaugural-style tuxedo with white vest and white tie, for a strangely convincing resemblance to John Kennedy. His partner, the always dramatic Veronica Terry, has also come as billed. In a windswept platinum hairdo, candy-apple lipstick, and a dress that billows even without a subway grate to blow it skyward, she is the spitting image of Marilyn Monroe. The costume ball has begun. In a room full of pretenders, these two take the crown.
The reception Parker gets, though, is deadly. Silence falls over the room; from stray corners comes hissing. When Gil, from the landing of the second floor, is the only one able to quiet the crowd, I sense that the honor of arriving last was supposed to have been his, and that Parker has shown up the president at the president's own ball.
At Gil's insistence, the climate in the room slowly cools. Parker makes a quick detour in the direction of the bar, then brings Veronica Terry and his glasses of wine, one in each hand, toward the dance floor. When he approaches, there's a swagger in his step; it never registers in his expression that he is already the least popular person in the room. Once he comes close enough, I realize how he pulls it off. He's traveling in a cloud of cocktail fumes, already drunk.
Katie edges a shade closer to me as he nears, but I make nothing of it until I notice the look that passes between them. Parker gives her a meaningful stare, snide and sexual and assertive all at once, and Katie tugs at my hand, pulling me away from the dance floor.
What was that all about? I ask, when we're out of earshot.
The band is playing Marvin Gaye, guitars licking, drums thumping, the leitmotiv of Parker's arrival. John Kennedy is grinding with Marilyn Monroe, the strange spectacle of history humping, and all the other couples have given them a wide berth, the quarantine of social lepers.
Katie looks upset. All the magic of our dancing has evaporated.
That prick she says.
What did he do?
Then, all at once, it comes out: the story I wasn't around to hear; the one she hadn't intended to tell me until later.
Parker tried to third-floor me at bicker. He said he'd blackball me unless I gave him a lap dance. Now he thinks it's a joke.
We're standing in the middle of the main hall, close enough to the dance floor to see Parker with his hands on Veronica's hips.
That son of a bitch. What'd you do about it?
I told Gil. When she speaks his name, her eyes travel to the stairs, where Gil is making conversation with two juniors.
That's all?
I expect her to invoke Donald's name, to remind me where I should've been, but she doesn't.
Yes is all she says. He kicked Parker out of bicker.
I know she means I should let this go, that this wasn't how she wanted me to find out. She's been through enough already. But my temperature is rising.
I'm going to say something to Parker, I tell her.
Katie looks at me sharply. No, Tom. Not tonight.
He can't just act-
Look, she says, cutting me off. Forget about it. We're not going to let him ruin our night together.
I was only trying to-
She puts a finger over my lips. I know. Let's go somewhere else.
She looks around, but there are tuxedos in every direction, conversations and wineglasses and men with silver trays. This is the magic of Ivy. We are never alone.
Maybe we can use the President's Room, I say.
She nods. I'll ask Gil.
I notice the trust in her voice when she says his name. Gil's been decent to her, better than decent, possibly without even meaning to. She came to him about Parker, when I was nowhere to be found. He's the first person she thinks of now, for something small. Maybe it's meaningful to her, that they talk over breakfast, even if he almost forgets it. Gil has been a big brother to her, the way he was to me freshman year. Anything good enough for him is good enough for us both.
No problem, he says to her. There won't be anyone in there.
So I follow Katie downstairs, watching the shifts in her musculature beneath the gown, the way her legs move, the tightness of her hips.
When the lights go on, I see the room where Paul and I worked so many nights. The place is unchanged, untouched by preparations for the ball, a geography of notes and drawings and books piled into mountain ranges that thread through the room, as tall in places as we are.
It's not as hot in here, I say, searching for something to tell her. They seem to have turned down the thermostat in the rest of the building to keep the first floor from overheating.
Katie looks around. Paul's notes are taped to the shoulders of the fireplace; his diagrams feather the walls. We are surrounded by Colonna.
Maybe we shouldn't be in here, she says.
I can't tell if she's worried that we'll intrude on something of Paul's, or that Paul will intrude on something of ours. The longer we stand, sizing up the room, the more I can feel a distance forming between us. This is not the place for what we need.
Have you ever heard of Schrodinger's cat? I say finally, because it's the only way I can think to raise what I'm feeling.
In philosophy? she says.