My attempt to turn a dreary conversation into comical one had turned plain awkward. “I’m kidding,” I said softly, grimacing at the reality of that possibility. I was not ready for kids. Let alone having them with . . . well, with someone I was not going to spend the rest of my life with.
Her soft voice was muffled against the phone. A door shut in the background, and then there was silence. “Does he know?” she asked, her voice more level.
I shook my head, realizing maybe if I was, it would make it easier. There would be one clear-cut choice. My mama wouldn’t have me knocked up and single. That was not what we did where we were brought up. I’d be shunned to the ends of the earth.
“I’m not pregnant. But it’s worse,” I finally fessed up. I collapsed on my bed, my soft down pillows surrounding me.
“Kendy,” I heard the sympathy in her tone from just one word, just how she said my name.
I wished I hadn’t called. “I’m sorry. Seriously, what was I thinking calling you this early in the morning? Especially since you have to work in a few hours.”
“It’s me, Kendy. Your best friend. Spill it. Your story can’t be any crazier than mine.”
I nodded as I recalled Beth’s path in life. She had been through her own set of trials and had a funny way of fixing them. I was just glad it had all worked out for her.
“I’m staying on this phone until you tell me what’s going on.” Determination was set in her tone.
She would, too. We’d been best buddies since childhood and nothing had changed. There was no one else I trusted more.
“I think . . .” I shook my head at the reality of it all. As soon as I let those words slip out of my mouth, I knew I couldn’t take them back. They’d be true. Vocalization of thoughts only solidified the truth.
“I think I’m in love with Brian.” I rushed out the words in one quick breath and closed my eyes as my heartbeat throbbed in my ears.
It was silent at first, and then I heard it.
Laughter.
Beth was laughing at my freaking misfortune. Before I chewed her out for being a lousy friend, she laughed again.
“Thanks for nothing,” I grouched, ready to end our phone call. I had called to gain some sort of sympathy from my cousin and closest confidant, but instead, I was getting ridiculed.
“Stop! I’m not laughing at you. I’m smiling, because you’ve finally found your someone. I knew you’d fall for him. And,” she laughed again, “Kent and I had a sort of bet going. I, obviously, predicted the outcome.”
My face was aghast. “How did you know?”
“Kendy.” Her voice turned serious. “Brian is the real deal. He’s once in a lifetime material. I know this, because, at one time, I thought he was my ‘once in a lifetime.’ I’m a true example of how you can’t choose who you fall for.”
I thought about that, while I wrestled with all these strange feelings inside me. “But what about the psychic and all she predicted? They’ve almost all come true. This doctor is it for me. He has to be.”
He had to be it for me to heal and move on from my past. I didn’t repeat the last part, but Beth knew. It didn’t have to be spoken out loud.
She sighed heavily. “Kendy, people’s futures change all the time. Yes, everything that psychic had said has come true. True to an eerie science, but that doesn’t mean your course in life hasn’t changed.”
“She was specific, Beth. You were there. You heard what she said.” I shook my head. “I can’t, Beth. He reminds me . . .” I closed my eyes, instantly seeing Brian’s face, his charming smile. “He reminds me of Cole. The way I felt for him.” And look where that had gotten me. I had trusted Cole with my heart, never realizing what a monster he truly was inside.
“Oh, honey. This is good.” She sounded elated, and I almost wanted to slap her as nausea hit me harder, just thinking about the bastard.
“No, it’s not. It’s not. “ I punched my fist against the pillow. “Did you not hear what I said? I’ll forever be broken if I choose him. He’s too close to Cole.”
“Kendy, Cole happened seven years ago,” she tried to reason. “You were dumb, naïve, and blinded by first love’s symptoms. Brian is nothing like Cole. You would’ve weeded him out by now if he was.”
“I don’t know. I’m . . . I’m scared,” I whispered, my voice leaving my mouth in broken puffs.
And maybe that was the real truth here—I was so damn scared I couldn’t see straight, not even to read my own feelings. Cole had left such a deep gash inside of me, I wondered if I’d ever truly be able to read love when it came along.
That’s why it had to be James. He was the safe choice for me. The one the psychic had predicted. He was more mature, older, and more importantly, the one she had chosen.
“Don’t let fear stop you from being happy. Unless you’re a hundred percent sure this doctor guy is it.”
But I wasn’t sure. I was realizing that I really didn’t even know him, yet I wanted to give him a chance. I needed to give him a chance to prove the psychic right, but that was beyond my control. He wasn’t even giving me a second glance lately. How could I make a guy love me? I couldn’t force a thing like that.
“Kendy, I love you. You know I do.”
I gripped the phone closer to my ear, needing to hear those words, letting them wash over me and calm me. “I know,” I exhaled, wishing I could blink her across the country and into my apartment.
“Sometimes, we only see what we want to see and miss the very thing that’s right in front of us. Don’t miss the opportunity with this awesome guy, just because you want someone else to be it for you. From experience, I know that sometimes you don’t realize the perfect guy could be right in front of you all along.”
I rubbed at my brow, still unsure.
“You don’t need to decide today. Go to sleep, honey. Let that mind of yours rest.”
“Maybe you’re right.” All of the day’s energy was leaking out of me, exhaustion hitting me straight in the face as I yawned into the phone.
“I love you, Kendy.”
“You too. Bye.” I let the phone drop onto the bed, and then turned over, taking in the scent of my pillow.
As I closed my eyes, all I could see was Brian’s handsome face as he stood over the stove, making me my hot cocoa. I hadn’t even tasted it. It was the drink that usually calmed me, but not tonight. Not when an internal battle was brewing inside me.
My heart wanted this man with such certainty; the one who made me laugh, the one who I cared for, and the one who I knew I could count on.
But my mind was fighting my heart’s every instinct, using fear as its sidekick to push down all those inner desires and screamed at me to stay in control.
And as I fell asleep, I decided I had to think with my head. Thinking with my heart would only get me hurt.
***
Brian had called all week. We had exchanged a couple of texts, but luckily I had been working back-to-back twelve-hour shifts, so I didn’t have to lie to him about not having the time to see him. As the light from the morning sun filtered through my window, my phone vibrated with a text.
Brian: Morning, Beautiful. There’s Fourth of July fireworks tonight at the East River. Wanna go? We can meet at eight, right before dusk.
After a couple of minutes, when I didn’t respond, he texted again.
Brian: I impressed the Tiggins Corp and landed a meeting with the CEO and their board members tomorrow, so I’m aiming to just go out and have fun. Put this work alcoholic out of his misery.
I sighed. How long could I avoid him? He’d know something was seriously wrong, if he didn’t think that already. And I wanted to see him, but fear was the heavy-duty steel door keeping me at a distance.
He looked nothing like Cole. Cole was tall, dark, and handsome. Brian was the all-American male with the bluest eyes—eyes that sucked you in.