I had an undeniable urge to meet his lips, and when he brushed his mouth against mine, my knees weakened and I felt like a puddle of mush within his hold. His lips were soft, sweet, and caressing, as if he was telling me something with that one kiss alone.
I inhaled deeply, taking in his masculine cologne, the kind I’d remember if someone else was wearing it and passed me by, but that scent would always remind me of Brian.
He pulled back, cupping the side of my face, and my heart stammered in my chest. I rested my cheek against his palm. His hold, his aura, something about him, calmed me. Even with the chaos of the crowd around us, just being near him relaxed me.
As the crowd of people continued to push against us, I sighed, feeling content and oddly whole.
If there had been a sea of beautiful models in our vicinity, Brian wouldn’t have even noticed. His eyes were solely focused on me, making my cheeks warm and the butterflies to work up a frenzy in my stomach.
Slowly, he turned me to watch the first booms as he lightly rested his chin on my head. I took in the colorful array of blazing lights shattering against the dark night sky before breaking up into tiny sparks, that trickled down like teardrops. Silence filled the air for a few second before a sonic boom shook the ground, followed by a stream of red, white, and blue whirls into a spiral against the backdrop of the Brooklyn Bridge.
I turned to Brian, yelling above the noise, “Isn’t it beautiful?”
He nodded, smiling down at me.
“Almost like I can reach up and touch the fireworks. Be that much closer to the stars.”
A sudden hint of amusement crossed his features before he reached for my waist and started to lift me.
“Wait,” I said in a panic, feeling my feet leave the ground. But before I could protest more, he sat me on his shoulders like I weighed no more than a feather. “No, no, no, I’m afraid of heights,” I started to argue, hating being so high up.
Ignoring me, he pushed me up higher. “Don’t worry, baby,” he said with pure confidence. “I’ve got you.”
I’ve got you. Such innocence in those three words. Nothing like what he almost said the other night, or what I thought he was about to say. And yet, those three words had tears budding in my eyes.
He’s got me.
“Okay,” I replied quietly, unable to find my full voice.
He gripped my thighs so I wouldn’t slip, and I slowly but surely decided to trust him. I reached up toward the sky as another array of fireworks colored the darkness. Then I sat taller, throwing my head back and stretched my fingers as if I could catch a star and, if I did, I’d make a wish. Just one. For happiness.
I let out a loud scream, followed by laughter, feeling free. Lighter.
It was the Fourth of July fireworks, not a baseball game, where I’d be cheering, but still, I felt like the queen of the universe as I sat above the crowd of people below me.
He chuckled like I was the funniest thing on Earth, and I smiled down at him, my cheeks hurting. Laugh lines would probably forever be etched on my face.
I knew when it was almost over when bursts of fireworks exploded consecutively one after the other, ending with a glittery shower trickling down until the sparks disappeared against the black back drop.
I wiggled to let him know I wanted down.
“You sure? We can keep you up there all night long.”
“Yep, ready.” Trust or no trust, I didn’t need to be up here longer than necessary.
“Okay, on the count of three,” he started. “One, two . . .” Then, without a three count, Brian turned me so I slipped down the length of his body until we were chest-to-chest. Tingles traveled from where we were connected to my core, arousing me. It was crazy how his body affected me.
When my eyes met his, I read desire in them. I had no doubt what was playing in his mind, because it was playing in high definition in my mind, too.
My feet touched the ground, and we stared at each other for a moment, then he bent his head and crashed his mouth into mine. This was the kiss I had felt at the bar, my whole body hyperaware of his lips on me.
His fingertips gripped my waist, leaving indentations against my skin. His tongue danced with mine. We were in the middle of a crowd, but it didn’t matter. It was just the two of us and this all-consuming kiss.
After a moment, I pulled him into me, fisted the back of his shirt, and felt his arousal against my stomach. My breathing intensified, and I knew if he didn’t take me home this instant, I’d have to resist the urge to drop my panties in front of this massive crowd.
I pulled back slightly, just enough to catch the look of desire on his face. I went on my tiptoes and whispered, “Let’s get out of here.”
He blinked once, but didn’t hesitate. Grabbing my hand, he led me out of the crowd.
An inner warmth radiated throughout my body at our connection, and my hands trembled within his, because I would’ve let this man lead me anywhere.
***
I heaved in exhaustion as I lay on Brian’s chest. We’d just had marathon sex, and my stomach suddenly grumbled against him, hungry from the workout.
The only light filtering through his window was the moonlight cascading a blue shadow over his grey blanket, which encased both of our bodies.
Sleep was calling my name as my heart rate descended, finally returning to its normal pace. Brian ran his hands through my hair, over and over, contributing to my drowsiness.
Don’t fall asleep. Stay awake.
I couldn’t fall asleep here, not at his place. Not before I had consciously made my decision about us.
He kissed my hair. A week ago, I would’ve told him that was against the rules, but we were definitely past rules now. Those rules had been broken, destroyed.
He kissed my temple and his hands moved to trace circles along my back. And just as I was thinking about the rules, or lack thereof, I heard his gentle voice. “Stay. Stay the night.”
I shut my eyes tight, letting the words wash over me. I was tempted, so very tempted, but I couldn’t. Not when I hadn’t totally thought things through.
This one slight move would be the final change. It would solidify things. It would be an unspoken act of affection on my part, a proclamation that I wasn’t sure I was ready to make.
I shifted off of him and smiled to soften the blow. “I can’t,” I said regretfully. My stomach churned as I watched disappointment filter through his eyes.
Without saying a word, he swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood. He didn’t even look at me as he headed into the bathroom and shut the door behind him.
Wait. What just happened?
I sat there for a moment, debating going after him as his cotton sheets rustled against my naked body. Should I go? Should I let him stew alone?
No. I wanted to know. I had to know what he was thinking.
I jolted up and clutched the sheets against my chest, but remained stoic on the bed.
Chickenshit, I scolded myself. I was a chickenshit. I was usually much braver than this.
I knew why I wasn’t going to barge through the bathroom door and question him. It was because I didn’t want to hear the truth. In my heart, I knew what he was going to say. It would’ve been the switch in our already blurry relationship, and nothing would be the same.
It was fear keeping me here. Fear from the past. Fear of the unknown future. Fear of falling in love again and letting myself be open to the kind of vulnerability that came with being in love.
At times, I thought I was dauntless. But with Brian, I was just a coward.
SIXTEEN
BRIAN
I’d messed up. Asking her to stay the night had been a total fuck up.
I could sense everything changing between us, yet I couldn’t stop it, nor did I want to.