She wouldn’t even look at me, and I couldn’t take it. I inched closer, wanting to be near her. I sensed that she didn’t want me to even touch her, and I yearned to hold her again, but I kept a small distance.
“I’m sorry,” she said sadly.
My stomach dropped at the sorrow in her beautiful blue eyes. Why the hell she was apologizing, I had no idea. I could see exactly how broken she really was, and I knew she was embarrassed. She had let her guard down, something she’d never done with me, but I had to show her that it was okay.
“There’s nothing to be sorry about.” I reached out to hold her, but she cowered, backing up farther.
She nodded, barely, then hugged her knees closer to her chest and rested her chin on top. She looked so tiny in my oversized t-shirt.
“What were you dreaming about?” I asked carefully, gritting my teeth. My muscles tensed as I waited for her response. Time seemed to tick by slowly, painfully. The seconds seemed like an eternity.
Her eyes met mine for a brief second before she turned away again. “Cole.”
I gritted my teeth again as my body tensed. I wanted to ask her more, but I waited for her to tell me. If I pushed her, she’d clam up. I had figured that out by now.
Her lip quivered as she spoke. “He held me . . . he held me down the whole time. Even when I begged him to stop.” She spoke softly, though she sounded tormented.
I gripped the sheets in my fists, my eyes losing focus. Everything made sense. No wonder she didn’t want to be on the bottom when I made love to her.
I want to fucking kill him.
Tremors overtook my body, but I breathed heavily and concentrated only on Kendy’s face to keep me steady. “What else?”
She gulped, seeing how angry I was. She’d probably kept this secret all this time. “I found him in his truck with his pants down, with Clary,” she said quietly. “I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore . . . and . . .” She stifled a cry in her sleeve. “ . . . and he wanted to make sure I knew what I’d be missing.”
My hands trembled at her revelations and, automatically, I advanced toward her, because, shit, I had to hold her. I needed to feel her beside me, but she held up her hands to stop me.
“I was embarrassed. I didn’t think people would believe me, since we’d already been together sexually. And by the time I could absorb what had happened . . . I just wanted to forget,” she said before tucking her feet under her butt, her tone heart-wrenchingly soft. “I’m fine. I got my revenge. I busted his nose.”
She was trying to make light of the situation, when there was nothing funny about it. If all that asshole got was a broken nose, he got off fucking easy.
She shook her head, offering a sad smile. “Don’t feel sorry for me.”
“I don’t.” It was the truth. Kendy was strong, no question. I didn’t feel sorry for her, but she needed to know she didn’t have to go through this alone. She had me now.
She peered out the window, wrapping her arms around herself in a cocoon of anguish. “I haven’t had that nightmare in a while.” Her eyebrows pulled together like she was studying me, gauging my reaction maybe.
Then I paused and somehow found myself asking, “Do I look like him?”
She shook her head, biting her lower lip. “No, not at all.” Letting out a soft sigh, she added, “But sometimes you remind me of him.”
Ice spread through my stomach. I didn’t want to be compared to that asshole in any way, shape, or form.
My jaw locked right before I spoke. “I’d never hurt you, Kendy.”
My voice came out strong with conviction. There was no way I’d fail her when every man in her life had. Her father had left her at such a young age, and the only man she had ever loved had hurt her beyond repair. I’d restore her faith in men again. I would. She’d gain trust and faith in me.
“No, the good parts of him. The way I felt about him.” She lowered her head, her bottom lip quivering. “You remind me why I fell in love.”
I choked down all the emotion from her words and extended my hand. “Come here.” I just needed to touch her. If not for her then for me because I was anything but fine. “It’s me,” I reassured her.
Her eyes held a haunted, distant look in them. She glanced at my extended hand, her face filled with caution.
“I’ve got you,” I said, coaxing her toward me. Everything had to be on her terms, not mine.
Finally, she extended her hand and locked our fingers. I watched the light from the bathroom shine on her beautiful face.
“Stop worrying about me,” she said. “I told you I’m fine.” She said the words, but I didn’t believe them. Her forced smile didn’t reach her eyes. It wasn’t the genuine smile I was so used to seeing.
“Well, I need to hold you, because I’m far from fine. I’m about to hunt this bastard down and leave him with more than a broken nose.”
She bit her lower lip, emotions rushing to the surface. Then she crawled into my lap, and I wrapped my arms around her.
I heard her heavy exhale as she leaned into me, her whole body relaxing. Maybe she too felt steadier around me, wrapped in my embrace.
This was good. Really good.
I took this as a sign she was slowly trusting me, getting used to me. At least this time she wasn’t pushing me away. My chest tightened as a fierce protectiveness overtook me. As though this newfound purpose reigned throughout my veins, and it was to protect and love this woman for eternity and ensure that no one would ever hurt her.
“I’m okay.” Her hands moved under my shirt, her fingertips trailing along my waist, the bareness of my back. “I’ll be okay.” Her words came out stronger with more force, but they weren’t directed at me. She was speaking to herself.
Her hands turned more urgent, not as gentle, as her fingers dug into my skin, and the mood shifted. I tensed, confused at the quick change, yet wanting her all the same.
She rested back on her heels, seduction written all over her face as she gripped the back of her shirt and lifted it over her head. Her perfect nipples pebbled against the soft bathroom light, which was shining into my room.
She positioned herself over my boxers. She still had her panties on, but as soon as she sat on me, I was hard as a fucking rock. Then she gripped the tips of my hair, pulled my head back, and slammed her lips against mine, ravenously kissing me.
Warning signs rang loudly in my ears. A moment ago, she’d been so vulnerable, and now her possessive movements seemed so erratic.
I wanted her, too. Shit, did I ever. I always did. But it felt wrong, when moments ago she’d been crying.
She pulled back and rubbed her tits against my chest. There was a devilish smile on her face, but I stopped, my jaw tightening. What I noticed in her eyes was what broke me. She was disconnected from this moment, the passion I was used to seeing gone and replaced by an eerie coldness.
“I’m going to fuck you. Hard.”
The way she said it tugged at my heart. I was beginning to realize maybe this was how she forgot. This was why she always had to be in control. It was all she knew.
Looking up at her stark blue eyes, I wanted to tell her that I didn’t need anything else, just her. With me, in my life.
But I didn’t say anything, because I had a feeling she wouldn’t believe me.
She shoved my chest until I was lying on my back and moved her hands to the edge of my boxers. I pulled on her hands, bringing them each to my lips. Then I lifted her toward me. Our eyes met in the darkness, mine softening, trying to get her to be present with me in this moment.
When she paused, I sensed the wall weakening, the uncertainty in her eyes lessening, and I framed her face, pulling her flush against me. “Kiss me,” I said gently, sensing I was chipping away at her hard exterior; her defenses were deteriorating.
When her eyes lost focus at my words, I pulled her face down to mine, and our lips met. When her body tensed in my arms, she retreated and I stopped. Then suddenly, her mood changed like a switch had been flipped. Her kisses turned urgent and rough as her lips crashed against mine. It was desperate, cold even. She was forcing that wall up again, sealing me out, and I couldn’t let her do that.