I gave him a sad smile and rushed out. I only had a little over an hour to get to her and make my meeting. Time was ticking away.
***
I slammed the door behind me, stepped into the apartment, and undid my tie with one hand. “Fuck!”
This had to be the worst day I’d had in a long ass time. The biggest deal of my career had gone down the drain, because my head had not been in the game. I had gone to her apartment and . . . nothing. She hadn’t answered her phone, or the door when I incessantly pounded against it for over thirty minutes.
When I arrived at work, everyone was already in the boardroom, including our prospect. Disoriented, I’d started off on the wrong foot and dropped the ball. I’d been unable to answer questions like I normally did. My pitch and my normal confidence had not been there. All because my mind was focused on her.
“We’ll get back to you.” Their words.
Clearly, my manager had expected a different outcome.
I’d staggered out of the office, embarrassed to face the team. Then I’d gritted my teeth, sensing any semblance of control on my life slipping through my fingers.
Any chance I had of getting promoted this year had gone down the drain with my horrible presentation.
I dropped against the couch, resting my elbows against my knees. Running one hand down my face, I exhaled an exaggerated breath.
What the hell? What am I doing with my life?
I let my head fall back against the cushion and stared at the ceiling. All my hard work in the toilet, because of a girl? A girl, who’d left me in the middle of the night. A girl, who wouldn’t pick up my calls. A girl, who most likely didn’t believe I deserved an explanation.
With both hands, I tugged at the ends of my hair. Life was spiraling out of control, and I was going fucking crazy.
A moment of silence went by, and then my phone rang in my back pocket. I picked up and answered with an angry, “Hello.”
“Brian!” My mother’s excited voice echoed through the receiver. As much as I loved her, I didn’t want to talk to her right now, not when I was in a foul mood. She didn’t deserve my wrath.
“Mom.” My voice came out harsher than I’d expected it to. I closed my eyes, trying to calm the anger brewing inside me as a long, jagged breath left my mouth. “Sorry,” I said, forcing my voice to soften.
“Oh, honey . . . what’s wrong?” Her motherly concern echoed through the receiver. It was the same voice she used to soothe me when I was upset.
“Work.”
“Oh, Brian, you can’t fool me.” She sighed. “I carried you for nine months and raised you until you went off to college. Spill it.”
And there she was—my mother, the woman who knew all. The one who always knew I was getting sick before I even felt any symptoms. The one who had bandaged all my wounds. Call it a sixth sense or mother’s instinct, but there was no way of fooling her.
“Work?” She sighed. “What’s my saying?”
I shook my head. She always had one-liners for every situation. Maybe that was where I got it from.
“Honey, are you there?”
“Don’t stress; do your best,” I droned with a small smile. The tightness in my shoulders lightened as I heard her soft laughter.
“Yes. Do your best, because that’s all you can do, and laugh. When in doubt, laugh it out.”
And that was how my mother dealt with my rigid father. That was why she looked younger than her years. If only it was that easy.
Her laughter died down, and a second later, her voice turned serious. “Does this go beyond work? I haven’t heard you this down in a while. Usually you love hearing from your mother.” She tried to use humor to break me, but nothing would alter my mood.
“Mom, let me call you later.” I didn’t want to take my sour mood out on my sweet mother. I needed time alone, by myself, to work out the mess I’d made of my life.
“Nope. Not until I know what’s wrong.”
Life had been so much easier in high school. Mom and I had the best of relationships. It was so effortless. She knew all my girl drama and gave me insight on the woman’s mind.
I finally let out a long sigh. “It’s everything, Mom. I just don’t have control of my life anymore. I needed to land this big deal I’ve been working on for a while, and I blew it. All because my head wasn’t in that boardroom. It was on a girl.”
“Oh,” she let out, her voice full of understanding. “You know why this is, don’t you?” Her tone increased in volume, sounding confident. “It’s because you, of all your siblings, live with your heart on your sleeve. Everything you do, whether it’s football, school, or whatever, you live your life through your heart. In college, you played football hard because you loved the game. Your heart leads your life. Honey, it’s one of your greatest qualities. I know you. You weren’t in that boardroom because your heart was somewhere else. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
I sighed, both wanting and not wanting to believe her. Maybe I did live through my heart, by my heart. I let my heart rule me. Was that a safe way to live, though? Probably not, but I wasn’t going for safe, was I?
It took less than one second to get the answer—hell, no, I didn’t want to play it safe. I wanted Kendy.
I closed my eyes and pictured Kendy’s beautiful face against the darkness. Her stark blue eyes piercing me, touching my soul.
“Ma . . .” My voice was barely a whisper. “What am I gonna do?”
“Work will always be there,” she said tenderly. “But you’re going to do what you’ve always done. You’re going to follow your heart.”
She made it sound so simple.
Was it?
EIGHTEEN
KENDY
Brian had texted and called, his voicemails turning from sweet to solemn. I didn’t respond to anything. I wasn’t one to avoid confrontation . . . but with him, I wanted to avoid conflict like it was my deathbed.
I had called my mother back, congratulating her on her engagement, but I was mad that my past was even preventing me from being genuinely happy for my own mother. I cursed my history for leaking into the present and taking this moment from me.
My only saving grace, other than sitting in my apartment and hating myself for being a total bitch, was that I had to work. For the next three days, I’d be working my twelve-hour shifts.
I debated texting him that I had to work, but it would mean he’d have hope for after work.
Strolling the ER floor in a daze, I checked into the nurses’ station, got my list of patients, and started to make my rounds. About three hours in, I strolled to the coffee machine, needing the extra jolt of caffeine tonight, especially since I hadn’t slept well after leaving Brian’s place.
Leaning against the counter, I rubbed my temple with two fingers, attempting to ward off an oncoming headache. I could already feel the beginning throbs at my temples.
I didn’t get headaches often, only in high stress situations, and this would definitely be classified as high freaking stress.
When I peered up, Sarah was strolling in, smirking like she’d won the lotto. She stopped in front of me, but her cheery self didn’t affect my mood. Happiness was contagious, but not with all the confusion reigning over my life.
“Guess what?” she said, her voice peppy and bright.
I squinted up at her, because opening my eyes at full mast only intensified my oncoming migraine.
“What?” I asked, rubbing my temple like I could imprint my fingerprints onto my brain and force the throbbing to cease.
“I heard rumblings that a certain someone is going to ask you out.” She practically bounced on her toes, while nausea crept up my throat at the thought.
I’d heard that one before. I gave her a dubious expression, as if saying, ‘So?’
I should’ve been excited, over the freaking moon about it. Finally, after weeks of pining after James, I’d caught his attention, but my thoughts were constantly on Brian. He was the one who occupied my head and my heart, and I doubted I would get over what had happened so easily.