The sunlight shone directly on her, mimicking a halo, but when she spoke and her angelic voice washed over me, I knew I was not dreaming.
***
KENDY
“Hi,” I said, twisting my hands anxiously in front of me. When I saw his lickable, chiseled abs, my mind flickered to Brenda and him together, and the unbearable pain that he’d been with her resurfaced.
“What’re you doing here?” There was bite behind his voice, more now than last night.
“I wanted to talk. Without the audience,” I said softly, but loud enough for him to hear.
Every ounce of me wanted to rush toward him, wrap my arms around his middle, and kiss him, start anew today. I’d never wanted anything as badly as I did in that moment.
“Kendy, there’s nothing to talk about.” His tone was hard, the tightness in his cold stare evident. “You’ve said all you needed to say.” He moved past me, and I took a deep breath, gathering all the courage within me because if he walked away, this would be it for us. The end.
My heart stammered in my chest at an uncontrollably quick pace. “I love you. I love you. I’m so, so, so sorry.” My voice leaked such emotion that he stopped mid-step. But he didn’t turn around. I wrung my hands together, trying to keep my fingers from trembling further.
Warmth spread behind my eyes, an indication that I’d cry at any moment as the magnitude of how much I needed him hit me. “I didn’t sleep with James. Throughout the whole date, I only thought of you.” I threw everything out there, all at once, hoping it would make a difference and praying he’d forgive me. Anything to win him back, to make him love me again.
Please say you still love me . . .
Because I’m utterly and irrevocably in love with you.
***
BRIAN
I tried not to let what she was saying affect me, but it did. I released a sigh of relief. I didn’t know if I could’ve handled it if she’d slept with him. I couldn’t even think about another man touching her without my muscles tensing and imagining beating the douche to a bloody pulp.
I needed to see her face, just so I could drink her in, but I hesitated. I wasn’t sure what this meant, but I was tired of putting everything out there for her and getting shut down.
I wanted to turn around but I was so fucking tired of getting hurt over and over again.
***
KENDY
“I wrote you a poem.” His back was still to me, but I kept on. I hated that I couldn’t read his face or his reaction. My hands shook as I reached in my purse and pulled out any crumpled piece of paper. I was grasping at straws here, using my last life line as I remembered what he’d said when we were drunk and playing ‘I Never’.
Once he stepped away from me, I’d lose him. This was my last chance.
I closed my eyes and inhaled a long, calming breath as my hands began to sweat. “Roses are red. Violets are blue . . . I made a mistake. I love you.” I gulped hard, wrinkling the receipt in my tight grip.
I said it with such conviction, such sincerity that, even though the poem was stupid and I had just pulled it out of my ass, he had to know it was sincere.
I held my breath and didn’t move a muscle. It seemed as though the silence stretched on forever.
I waited.
And waited.
And waited.
Please, Brian. I need you. Give me a sign that you need me, too.
This time, I didn’t want a psychic to tell me anything. I just wanted Brian’s reaction, just him. He was all that mattered now. I didn’t need anyone else telling me how my life was going to go. I wasn’t going to put my faith in someone else’s prediction in my future. I already knew how I wanted it to be. And I wanted him.
Just when my heart was about to plummet to the dirty ground, he turned. So slowly, it was almost too painful to take in. But when I saw his face, his blue eyes meeting mine, I released a thankful sigh.
“I’m tired of getting hurt,” he said, his jaw tight and his eyes cautious.
“I’m tired of not moving on,” I said softly. He was speaking of his past, and I was speaking of mine, too, because that’s just what it was, our pasts, not our future.
The tension in his stance lessened as our eyes locked. And as silence built between us, the congestion of the Manhattan noise surrounded us in the empty alley.
I broke the silence. “I’m not going to hurt you anymore, not if I can help it.”
We didn’t make a move toward each other. I was afraid if I approached him, he’d reject me. My heart was on my sleeve. One more move and it would fall to the ground and shatter.
He stood there for a moment, assessing me. “I want all in,” he said. “It’s all or nothing with me. I don’t share.”
I nodded. “All in,” I said it with conviction as a glimmer of hope bloomed in my chest. I was still worried that he might change his mind, though, and I contemplated what to say next.
But then I had a brilliant idea. Instead of speaking, I took action. I retreated backward toward the fire escape by the dumpster, and Brian lifted an eyebrow as I pulled the worn steel ladder to the ground. With shaky hands, I took a step up the rungs, and then another. I was a few feet up when I looked back down at him.
I suddenly felt woozy.
Don’t look, don’t look. Okay. Deep breath.
“What’re you doing?” A flash of humor crossed his face. It was the most positive reaction I’d received from him since I’d kicked him out of my apartment, so I welcomed it, feeling lighter already.
“I’m scared,” I admitted, taking another step up the ladder and gripping the iron tightly. My white knuckles were a stark contrast against the black flaking iron, rusted from age. “Before you, it was only Cole.” I took another shaky step as Brian made his way toward me. I sensed he was afraid my crazy ass might fall and break a leg. If I was being honest, I was more than a little frightened, but I needed to prove a point. “It was a reckless kind of love, twisted. I didn’t have control, and I hate feeling out of control. But . . . that’s how I feel when I’m with you.”
Another step. I was more than three feet from the ground now, and when I registered how far up I was, I hugged the stairs toward me and closed my eyes.
Don’t look!
“Are you okay up there?” he asked, worry heavy in his tone.
“Y-yeah. It’s just that . . .” I opened my eyes and peered down at him and only him. If I looked past him or below him, I might pass out completely. “After that night, I vowed to always be in control of every relationship I was ever in. With you, I feel like I’m on some crazy roller coaster ride that takes me higher and higher. I’m afraid of that final dip that brings us to the end. You scare me, Brian,” I said, the honesty seeping out of my mouth.
A sheen of sweat formed at my brow as anxiety built in me as I noted my distance from the ground. “But I’ve come to realize I’d rather be on some crazy ride with you than some lazy river with Stiff.”
At his tiny smile, I continued, “I wanted to believe that psychic because she told me I would heal. It was the easier route to believe in those predictions than to take control of my own life. But I don’t care anymore because I can’t stand another day without you.” I proceeded up the stairs again, trying my hardest to ignore the ladder shaking around me. When I started to lose my footing, though, I let out a small scream.
Brian’s eyes widened. “Kendy, get down,” he commanded. He gripped the bottom of the ladder, keeping it steady.
“I’m just letting you know. I’m ready to fall.” I shook my head because I made no sense. This was such a stupid idea. Stupid, stupid! I took another deep breath. “I’ve already fallen in love with you, but this is my crazy way of saying . . . I’m ready to enjoy the rush of falling. Letting go of control because that’s what love is.” My eyes locked with his as I gripped the back of the ladder, facing him. My heart stammered against the cage of my chest. “The question is . . . am I too late? Or are you ready to catch me?”