schoolmaster him? Or try to control his life, his friendships? Am I less than he? Did
he do more for you than I did? Loved you more than I did?...My duty toward you is
at an end. Go your way, I have nothing more to do with you.... Leave your address
here, but do not write to me, I shall henceforth neither read nor answer any letter from
you.... So this is the end.... You have hurt me too much. Live and be as happy as you
can be.
And the end it was. Johanna lived for another twenty–five years, but mother and
son were never again to meet.
In old age, reminiscing about his parents, Schopenhauer wrote:
Most men allow themselves to be seduced by a beautiful face.... nature induces
women to display all at once the whole of their brilliance...and to make a
«sensation»...but nature conceals the many evils [women] entail, such as endless
expenses, the cares of children, refractoriness, obstinacy, growing old and ugly after a
few years, deception, cuckolding, whims, crotchets, attacks of hysteria, hell, and the
devil. I therefore call marriage a debt that is contracted in youth and paid in old
age....
17
_________________________
Greatsufferings render lesser
ones quite incapable of being
felt, and conversely, in the
absence of great sufferings
even the smallest vexations
and annoyances torment us.
_________________________
At the start of the next meeting all eyes were upon Bonnie. She spoke in a soft hesitant
voice: «It wasn`t such a good idea after all to get myself on the agenda because all week
long I`ve been thinking about what to say, rehearsing my lines over and over, even
though I know that a canned presentation is not the way to go here. Julius has been saying
all along that the group has to be spontaneous if it`s going to work. Right?» Bonnie
glanced at Julius.
Julius nodded. «Bonnie, try to dump the canned presentation. Try this: Close your
eyes and imagine picking up your prepared script, holding it up in front of you and
ripping it in half and then in half again. Now put it in the wastebasket. Okay?»
Bonnie, eyes closed, nodded.
«And now in fresh words tell us about homeliness and beauty. Tell us about you
and Rebecca and Pam.»
Bonnie, still nodding, opened her eyes slowly and began. «You all remember me,
I`m sure. I was the little fat girl in your grade–school classroom. Very chubby, very
clumsy, hair too curly. The one who was pathetic in gym, got the fewest valentines, cried
a lot, never had best friends, always walked home alone, never had a prom invitation, was
so terrified that she never raised her hand in class even though she was smart as hell and
knew all the right answers. And, Rebecca here, well she was my isomer—”
«Your what?» asked Tony. He sat slouched out nearly horizontally in his seat.
«Isomermeans like a mirror image,” responded Bonnie.
«Isomerrefers to two chemical compounds,” pronounced Philip, «that have the
identical constituents in the same proportions but differ in properties because of the way
the atoms are arranged.»
«Thanks, Philip,” said Bonnie. «Maybe that was a pretentious word to use. But,
Tony, I want to say that I admire the way you`ve stuck to your resolution to signal every
time you don`t understand something. That meeting a couple of months ago when you
opened up about your shame about your education and your blue–collar work has really
given me permission to talk about some of my stuff. Okay, now back to my school days.
Rebecca was my absolute opposite, in every way—you name it. I would have died to
have a Rebecca as a friend—I would killed to havebeen a Rebecca. That`s what`s going
on in me. The last couple of weeks I`ve been flooded with memories of my nightmare
childhood.»
«That fat little girl went to school a long time ago,” said Julius. «What brings her
back now?»
«Well, that`s the hard part. I don`t want Rebecca to get angry with me...”
«Best to speak to her directly, Bonnie,” Julius interjected.
«Okay,” said Bonnie, and turning to face Rebecca. «I want to say something to
you, but I don`t want you to be angry with me.»
«I`m all ears,” said Rebecca, her attention fully fixed on Bonnie.
«When I see you operate with men here in the group—how you interest them, how
you entice them—I feel totally helpless. All those old bad feelings creep out: chubby,
insignificant, unpopular, outclassed.»
«Nietzsche,” interjected Philip, «once said something to the effect that when we
awake discouraged in the middle of the night, enemies that we had defeated long ago
come back to haunt us.»
Bonnie broke out into a big smile and turned toward Philip. «That`s a gift, Philip, a
very sweet gift. I don`t know why, but the idea of enemies I had once defeated rising
again makes me feel better. Just to have something named makes it more—”
«Wait a minute, Bonnie,” interrupted Rebecca, «I want to get back to my enticing
men here—explain, please.»
Bonnie`s pupils widened; she avoided Rebecca`s gaze. «It`s not about you. There`s
nothing you do that`s off—it`s all me, it`s my response to perfectly normal female
behavior.»
«What behavior? What are you talking about?»
Bonnie took a deep breath and said, «Preening. You preen. That`s the way it seems
to me. I don`t know how many times in the last meeting you had your barrettes out, your
hair down, flouncing your hair, running your fingers through it, but it was more times
than I can ever remember before. It`s got to be related to Philip`s entrance into the
group.»
«What are you talking about?» asked Rebecca.
«To quote the old sage, Saint Julius, a question ain`t a question if you know the
answer,” interrupted Tony.
«Why don`t you let Bonnie speak for herself, Tony?» said Rebecca, her eyes icy.
Tony was unfazed. «It`s obvious. Philip enters the group, and you change—you
change into a male...ah...what`s the right word?...you`re coming on to him. Do I got it
right, Bonnie?»
Bonnie nodded.
Rebecca reached in her purse for a tissue and dabbed at her eyes, carefully
protecting the mascara. «That`s really fucking insulting.»
«This is exactly where I don`t want it to go,” pleaded Bonnie. «This is not about
you, Rebecca—I keep saying that. You`re not doing anything wrong.»
«That doesn`t wash with me—making anen passant nasty accusation about my
behavior and then saying it`s not about me doesn`t make it less nasty.»
«En passant?» asked Tony.
«En passantmeans,” interjected Philip, «in passing—a common term in chess used
when the pawn takes two squares in its opening move and passes an opposing pawn.»
«Philip, you`re a show–off—you know that?» said Tony.
«You threw out a question. I answered it,” said Philip, entirely unaffected by
Tony`s confrontation. «Unlessyour question ain`t a question.»
«Ouch, you got me there.» Tony scanned the rest of the group and said, «I must be
gettin` dumber. I feel more out of it. Am I imagining it, or are there more big words
getting thrown out here? Maybe having Philip here is getting to others, too—not just
Rebecca.»
Julius intervened by using the group therapist`s most common and most effective
tactic—he switched the focus from content to process, that is, away from the words being
spoken to the nature of the relationship of the interacting parties. «Lots going on here
today. Maybe we can step back a minute and try to understand what`s happening. Let me
first put out this question to all of you: what do you see going on in the relationship
between Bonnie and Rebecca?»