Schopenhauer, taught me is absolutely inbuilt, or, as we would say today,
hardwired into us.
«I know many of Schopenhauer`s words about this since I`ve often cited
them in lectures. Let me quote a few: вЂ[Sex is] the strongest and most active of all
motives.... It is the ultimate goal of almost all human effort. It...interrupts every
hour the most serious occupations, and sometimes perplexes...the greatest human
minds.` вЂSex does not hesitate to intrude with its trash, and to interfere with...the
investigations of the learned—`”
«Philip, this is important stuff, but, before we stop today, try to speak
aboutyour feelings rather than Schopenhauer`s,” interrupted Julius.
«I`ll try, but let me continue—just one more last sentence: вЂEvery day it
destroys the most valuable relationships. Indeed it robs of all conscience those
who were previously honorable and upright.`” Philip stopped. «That`s what I
wanted to say; I`m finished.»
«Haven`t heard feelings, Philip,” said Tony, grinning at the opportunity to
confront Philip.
Philip nodded. «Just dismay about how we poor mortals, we fellow
sufferers, are such victims of biology that we fill our lives with guilt about natural
acts as Stuart and Rebecca have done. And that we all have the goal of extricating
ourselves from the thralldom of sex.»
After a few moments of the customary silence following one of Philip`s
pronouncements, Stuart turned to Pam: «I`d sure like to hear from you today.
What do you feel about what I`ve laid on the group? You were on my mind when
I thought about confessing here. I`ve been thinking that I`ve put you in a tough
place because in a way you can`t forgive me without also forgiving Philip.»
«I feel as much respect for you as ever, Stuart. And don`t forget that I`m
sensitized to this issue. I was exploited by a doctor—Earl, my soon–to–be ex–husband, was my gynecologist.»
«Exactly,” said Stuart. «That compounds it. «How can you forgive me
without also forgiving both Philip and Earl?»
«Not true, Stuart. You`re a moral person—after listening to you today and
hearing of your remorse, I feel that way even more. And that incident in the
Miami hotel doesn`t grab me—ever readFear of Flying ?»
Seeing Stuart shake his head, Pam went on, «Take a look at the book. Erica
Jong would call what you had a simple вЂzipless fuck`; it was mutual, spontaneous
coupling, you were kind, no one got hurt, you took responsibility to make sure she
was okay afterward. And you`ve used the incident as a moral compass since then.
But Philip? What can one say about a man who models himself after Heidegger
and Schopenhauer? Of all philosophers who ever lived, those were the two who
were the most abject failures as human beings. What Philip did was unforgivable,
predatory, without remorse—”
Bonnie interrupted, «Hold on, Pam, did you notice that when Julius tried to
stop Philip, he absolutely insisted on one more sentence about sex robbing the
person of conscience and destroying relationships. I wonder, wasn`t that
something about remorse? And wasn`t that directed to you?»
«He has something to say? Let him say it to me. I don`t want to hear it from
Schopenhauer.»
«Let me butt in here,” said Rebecca. «I left the last meeting feeling bad for
you and for all of us, including Philip, who, let`s face it, has been pissed on here.
At home I starting thinking of Jesus`s remark about how he who is without sin
should cast the first stone—that`s got a lot to do with what I revealed today.»
«We`ve got to stop,” said Julius, «but, Philip, this is exactly what I was
fishing for when I asked you about your feelings.»
Philip shook his head in puzzlement.
«Have you understood that today you were given a gift by both Rebecca
and Stuart?»
Philip continued to shake his head. «I don`t understand.»
«That`s your homework assignment, Philip. I want you to meditate on the
gifts you were given today.»
24
_________________________
Ifwe do not want to be a
plaything in the hands of
every rogue and the
object of every fool`s
ridicule, the first rule
is to be reserved and
inaccessible.
_________________________
Philip walked for hours after the meeting, past the Palace of Fine Arts, that
decaying colonnade built for the 1915 International Exposition, circled the
adjoining lake twice while watching the swans patrolling their territory, and then
strolled along the marina and Chrissy Field path by San Francisco Bay until he
reached the base of the Golden Gate Bridge. What was it Julius instructed him to
think about? He recalled the instruction to think about Stuart and Rebecca`s gift,
but before he could focus his mind he had already forgotten his assignment. Again
and again he swept his mind clear of all thought and tried to focus on soothing
and archetypal images—the wake of swans, the pirouetting of Pacific waves
under the Golden Gate—but he continued to feel oddly distracted.
He walked through the Presidio, the former military base located on the
overlook of the mouth of the bay, and down to Clement Street with its twenty
blocks of wall–to–wall Asian restaurants. He chose a modest Vietnamese pho
shop, and when his beef–and–tendon soup arrived, he sat quietly for a few
minutes, inhaling the lemongrass vapor rising from the broth and staring at the
glistening mountain of rice noodles. After only a few mouthfuls he requested the
rest be packaged for his dog.
Generally inattentive to food, Philip had routinized his eating habits:
breakfast of toast, marmalade, and coffee, a main meal at noon at the school
student cafeteria, and a small inexpensive evening repast of soup or salad. All
meals, by choice, were taken alone. He took solace, indeed sometimes broke into
a full smile, when he thought of Schopenhauer`s habit of paying for two at his
eating club to ensure that no one sat next to him.
He turned homeward to his one–bedroom cottage, as sparsely furnished as
his office, situated on the grounds of a grand house in Pacific Heights, not far
from Julius`s. The widow, who lived alone in the house, rented the cottage to him
for a modest sum. She needed the additional income, valued her privacy but
wanted an unobtrusive human presence nearby. Philip was the man for the job,
and they had lived in isolated proximity for several years.
The enthusiastic greeting of yelps, barks, tail wagging, and acrobatic leaps
into the air offered by Rugby, his dog, usually cheered Philip, but not on this
evening. Nor did his evening dog walk nor any of his other routine leisure
activities bring Philip tranquillity. He lit his pipe, listened to Beethoven`s Fourth
Symphony, read distractedly from Schopenhauer and Epictetus. His full attention
was caught once, for only a few moments, by one particular Epictetus passage.
If you have an earnest desire towards philosophy, prepare yourself from the
very first to have the multitude laugh and sneer. Remember, if you are
persistent, those very persons will afterwards admire you.... Remember if you
ever happen to turn your attentions to externals, for the pleasure of anyone, be
assured that you have ruined your scheme of life.
Yet his sense of uneasiness remained—an uneasiness that he had not
experienced in some time, a state of mind that in years past had sent him out like a
sexually crazed beast on the prowl. He strode into his tiny kitchen, cleaned his
breakfast dishes from the table, turned on his computer, and submitted to his only
addictive vice: he logged in to the Internet chess club and played five–minute blitz