Gill showed no defensiveness and seemed prepared to answer any
question. «Mostly after hours. I start with Scotches as soon as I get home
(or before I get home if Rose is giving me a hard time), and then I work
my way through good wine the rest of the evening—at least a bottle,
sometimes two, until I pass out in front of the TV.»
«Where`s Rose on this?» asked Pam.
«Well, we used to be big wine buffs together, built a two–thousand–bottle cellar, went to auctions. But she`s not encouraging my drinking
now—now she rarely has a glass at dinner and wants no part of any wine–related activities, except for some of her big social wine–tasting events.»
Julius tried again to buck the current and bring the group back to the
here–and–now. «I`m trying to imagine how you must have felt coming to
meeting after meeting here andnot talking about this.»
«It wasn`t easy,” Gill admitted, shaking his head.
Julius always taught students the difference betweenvertical
andhorizontal self–disclosure. The group was pressing, as expected,
forvertical disclosure—details about the past, including such queries as the
scope and duration of his drinking—whereashorizontal disclosure, that
is,disclosure about the disclosure, was always far more productive.
This meeting was vintage stuff for teaching, Julius mused, and he
reminded himself to remember the sequence of events for future lectures
and writing. And then, with a thud, he recalled that the future had no
relevance for him. Though the poisonous black wart had been carved out
of his shoulder, he knew that somewhere in his body lethal colonies of
melanoma remained, voracious cells that craved life more than his own
fatigued cells. They were there, pulsating, gulping oxygen and nutrients,
growing and gathering strength. And his dark thoughts were always there
also, percolating under the membrane of consciousness. Thank God for his
one method of stilling his terror: entering into life as forcefully as
possible. The extraordinarily intense life being lived in this group was
very good medicine for him.
He pressed Gill, «Say more about what passed through your mind
during all those months of group meetings.»
«What do you mean?» said Gill.
«Well, you said, вЂIt wasn`t easy.` Say more about that, about those
meetings and why it wasn`t easy.»
«I`d come here all primed but never could unload; something
always stopped me.»
«Dig into that—thesomething that stopped you.» Julius rarely was
so directive in the group, but he was convinced that he knew how to move
the discussion in a beneficial direction that the group might not take on its
own.
«I like this group,” Gill said. «These are the most important people
in my life. I`ve never been a real member of anything before. I was afraid
I`d lose my place, lose any credibility—exactly like what`s happening
now. Right now. People hate drunks...the group will want to boot me
out...you`ll tell me to go to AA. The group will judge me, not help me.»
That was exactly the cue Julius had been waiting for. He moved
quickly.
«Gill, look around the room—tell me, who are the judges here?»
«Everyone`s a judge.»
«All identically? I doubt it. Try to discriminate. Look around the
group. Who are the main judges?»
Gill kept his gaze on Julius. «Well, Tony can come down on you
pretty hard, but no, not on this—he likes his booze, too. That what you
want?»
Julius nodded encouragement.
«Bonnie?» Gill continued to speak directly to Julius. «No, she`s no
judge—except of herself and, once in a while, of Rebecca—she`s always
gentle with me. Stuart, well, he`s one of the judges; he definitely has a
self–righteous streak. Pretty goody–goody sometimes. And Rebecca, for
sure—I hear a lot of directives: be like me, be sure, be thorough, be
dressed right, be washed, be neat. That why I felt released when Rebecca
and Stuart showed so much vulnerability: that made it possible for me to
open up. And Pam—she`sthe judge. Chief justice. No doubt about it. I
know she thinks I`m weak, unfair to Rose, you name it, everything about
me is wrong. I don`t have much hope of pleasing her—in fact, I don`t
haveany hope.» He halted. «Guess that`s it,” he said, scanning the group.
«Oh yes, Philip.» He spoke to Philip directly, unlike the other members.
«Let`s see...I don`t think of you judging me, but I`m not sure if that`s
entirely a compliment. It`s more that you wouldn`t get close enough or
involved enough with me even to bother judging me.»
Julius was well pleased. He had defused the nonconstructive moan
of betrayal and the punitive grilling of Gill. It was a matter of timing;
sooner or later the details of his alcoholism would be aired, but not at this
moment and in this manner.
What`s more, Julius`s focus on horizontal disclosure had yielded a
bonus—Gill`s ten–minute gutsy go–round was a bonanza of data—enough
there to fuel a couple of good sessions.
Turning to the group, Julius said, «Reactions anyone?»
There was hesitation—not, he imagined, because there was so little
to say but too much. The agenda groaned with its own weight: the
members had to have reactions to Gill`s confession, to his alcoholism, and
his sudden toughness in the last few minutes. He waited expectantly. Good
stuff was on its way.
He noted that Philip was looking at him, and, for a moment, their
gazes met—that was unusual. Perhaps, Julius thought, Philip was
signaling his appreciation of the finesse with which he had conducted this
meeting. Or perhaps Philip was pondering Gill`s feedback to him. Julius
decided to inquire and nodded at Philip. No response. So he said, «Philip,
your feelings so far about this meeting?»
«I`ve been wondering whether you were going to participate.»
«Participate?» Julius was astounded. «I`ve been wondering if I were
too active, too directive today.»
«I meantparticipate in the sharing of secrets, ” said Philip.
Will the time ever come, Julius thought, when Philip will say
something even vaguely predictable? «Philip, I`m not evading your
question, but there are some pressing loose ends here.» He turned to Gilclass="underline"
«I`m concerned about where you are now.»
«I`m on overload. My only issue is whether you`ll allow me to stay
in the group as an alcoholic,” said Gill, whose forehead glistened with
perspiration.
«Sounds like this is the time you need us most. I wonder, though, if
your bringing it up today indicates that you`re gathering resolve to do
something about it. Perhaps entering a recovery program?»
«Yep. After this meeting, I can`t keep doing what I`m doing. I may
need to call you for an individual session. Okay?»
«Of course—as many as you`ll need.» Julius`s policy was to honor
requests for individual sessions with the proviso that members share the
details of those sessions at the following group meeting.
Julius turned back to Philip. «Back to your question. There`s an old
therapist trick which provides a graceful evasion of embarrassing
questions, and that is to reply, вЂI wonder, why are you asking that
question?` Well, I am going to ask you that, but I`mnot going to evade
you. Instead I`ll offer you a proposition: I promise to answer your question
fully if you agree first to explore your motivations for asking it. Do we
have a deal?»
Philip hesitated, then responded. «Fair enough. My motivation for
the question is not complicated. I want to understand your approach to
counseling and, if possible, integrate any parts that might improve my own
counseling practice. I work very differently from you: I don`t offer an