atrophy.»
«Well, I`m going to reveal more of my ignorance,” said
Tony, pointing to the handout. «This boat story, Philip—I really
don`t understand it. You told us last week you were going to give
Julius something comforting, and yet this story about a boat and
passengers—I mean, to put it bluntly, I don`t know what the fuck
gives here.»
«Don`t apologize,” said Bonnie. «I told you, Tony, that you
almost always speak for me—I`m as confused as you are about this
ship and gathering shells.»
«Me too,” said Stuart. «I don`t get it.»
«Let me help,” said Pam. «After all, interpreting literature is
how I earn a living. First step is to go from the concrete—that is,
the ship, the shells, the sheep, and so on—to the abstract. In other
words, ask yourself: what does this ship or voyage or harbor
represent?»
«I think the ship stands for death—or the journey toward
death,” said Stuart, glancing at his clipboard.
«Okay,” said Pam. «So, where do you go from there?»
«Seems to me,” Stuart replied, «the main point isdon`t pay
so much attention to details on shore that you`ll miss the boat`s
sailing. ”
«So,” said Tony, «if you get too caught up in shore stuff—
even having a wife and kids—then the boat might sail without
you—in other words, you might miss your death. Big deal—is that
such a catastrophe?»
«Yeah, yeah, you`re right, Tony,” said Rebecca, «I also
understood the boat to be death, but when you put it that way I see
it doesn`t make sense.»
«I don`t get it either,” said Gill, «but it doesn`t say you`ll
miss death; it says you`ll go to it trussed up like the sheep.»
«Whatever,” said Rebecca, «but this still doesn`t feel like
therapy.» She turned to Julius, «This is supposed to be for you. Do
you find any comfort in this?»
«I`ll repeat what I said last time to you last week, Philip.
What I get is the knowledge that you want to give me something to
ease my ordeal. And also that you shy away from doing that
directly. Instead, you choose a less personal approach. Sets a future
agenda, I think, for you to work on expressing your caring in a
more personal way.
«As for the content,” Julius continued, «I`m confused also,
but this is how I understand it: since the boat might sail at any
time—that is, since death could call us at any point—we should
avoid getting too attached to the things of the world. Perhaps it
warns us that deep attachments would make dying more painful. Is
this the message of consolation you`re trying to give me, Philip?»
«I think,” Pam interjected before Philip could answer, «that
it falls into place better if you think of the ship and the journey not
as representing death but what we might call the authentic life. In
other words, we live more authentically if we keep focused on the
fundamental fact of sheer being, the miracle of existence itself. If
we focus on «being,” then we won`t get so caught up in the
diversions of life, that is, the material objects on the island, that we
lose sight of existence itself.»
A brief silence. Heads turned toward Philip.
«Exactly,” responded Philip with a hint of enthusiasm in his
tone. «My view exactly. The idea is that one has to beware of
losing oneself in life`s distractions. Heidegger called it falling or
being absorbed in theeverydayness of life. Now, I know you can`t
abide Heidegger, Pam, but I don`t believe his misguided politics
should be permitted to deprive us of the gift of his philosophical
insights. So, to paraphrase Heidegger, falling intoeverydayness
results in one`s becoming unfree—like the sheep.
«Like Pam,” Philip continued, «I believe the parable warns
us against attachment and urges us to stay attuned to the miracle of
being—not to worry abouthow things are but to be in a state of
wondermentthat things are —that things exist at all.»
«Now I think I`m getting your meaning,” said Bonnie, «but
it`s cold, abstract. What comfort is there in that? For Julius, for
anyone?»
«For me, there is comfort in the idea that my death informs
my life.» Philip spoke with uncharacteristic fervor as he continued,
«There is comfort in the idea of not allowing my core being to be
devoured by trivialities, by insignificant successes or failures, by
what I possess, by concerns about popularity—who likes me, who
doesn`t. For me, there is comfort in the state of remaining free to
appreciate the miracle of being.»
«Your voice sounds energized,” said Stuart, «but I also think
this seems steely and bloodless. It`s cold consolation. Makes me
shiver.»
The members were puzzled. They sensed that Philip had
something of value to offer but, as usual, were confused by his
bizarre manner.
After a brief silence Tony asked Julius, «Does this work for
you? I mean in terms of offering you something. Does it help you
in some way?»
«It doesn`t work for me, Tony. Yet, as I`ve said,” he turned
toward Philip, «you`re reaching out to give me something that
works for you. I`m aware, too, this is the second time you`ve
offered me something I`ve not been able to make use of, and that
must be frustrating for you.»
Philip nodded but remained silent.
«A second time! I don`t recall another time,” said Pam. «Did
it happen when I was away?»
Several heads shook no. No one else remembered a first
time, and Pam asked Julius, «Are there blanks that need to filled in
here?»
«There`s old history between Philip and me,” said Julius. «A
lot of the puzzlement today could be removed by relating this
history. But I feel it`s up to you, Philip. When you`re ready.»
«I`m willing for all to be discussed,” said Philip. «You have
carte blanche.»
«No, what I mean is, it`s not for me to do that. To paraphrase
your words,it would be a richer exercise if you would discuss it
yourself. I think it`s your call and your responsibility.?»
Philip tilted his head upward, closed his eyes, and, using the
same tone and manner as when reciting a memorized passage,
began: «Twnety–five years ago I consulted Julius for what is now
termedsexual addiction. I was predatory, I was driven, I was
insatiable, I thought of little else. My whole being was caught up in
the pursuit of women—new women, always new women, because
once I bedded a woman I rapidly lost interest in her. It was as
though the epicenter of my existence was that moment of
ejaculating inside the woman. And once that happened I had a brief
respite from my compulsion, but soon—sometimes only hours
later—I felt the call to prowl again. Sometimes I had two or three
women in a day. I was desperate. I wanted to get my mind out of
the trough, to think about other things, to touch some of the great
minds of the past. I was educated in chemistry then, but I yearned
for real wisdom. I sought help, the best and most expensive
available, and met with Julius weekly, sometimes twice weekly,
for three years, without benefit.»
Philip paused. The group stirred. Julius asked, «How is this
going for you, Philip? Can you go farther, or is it enough for one
day?»
«I`m fine,” replied Philip.
«With your closed eyes it`s hard to read you,” said Bonnie.
«I`m wondering if you keep them closed because you fear
disapproval.»
«No, I close my eyes to look within and collect my thoughts.
And surely I`ve made it clear that only my own approval matters to
me.»
Again there settled onto the group that strange otherworldly
sense of Philip`s untouchability. Tony tried to dispel it by