whispering loudly, «Nice try, Bonnie.»
Without opening his eyes, Philip continued. «Not too long
after I gave up therapy with Julius, I inherited a fair sum of money
from the maturation of a trust account my father had set up for me.
The money enabled me to leave my profession as a chemist and
devote myself to reading all of Western philosophy—in part
because of my enduring interest in that field, but primarily because
I believed that somewhere in the collective wisdom of the world`s
great thinkers I would find a cure for my condition. I felt at home
in philosophy and soon realized that I had found my true calling. I
applied and was accepted in the philosophy doctoral program at
Columbia. It was at that time that Pam had the misfortune of
crossing my path.»
Philip, eyes still closed, paused and inhaled deeply. All eyes
were on him except for furtive glances toward Pam, who stared at
the floor.
«As time went by I chose to concentrate my attention on the
trinity of truly great philosophers: Plato, Kant, and Schopenhauer.
But, in the final analysis, it was only Schopenhauer who offered
me help. Not only were his words pure gold for me, but I sensed a
strong affinity with his person. As a rational being I cannot accept
the idea of reincarnation in its vulgar sense, but if Ihad lived before
it would have been as Arthur Schopenhauer. Simply knowing of
his existence has tempered the ache of my isolation.
«After reading and rereading his work for several years, I
found that I had overcome my sexual problems. By the time I
received my doctorate, my father`s bequest was exhausted and I
needed to earn a living. I taught at a few places around the country
and a few years ago moved back to San Francisco to accept a
position at Coastal University. Eventually I lost interest in teaching
because I never found students worthy of me or my subject, and
then, about three years ago, it occurred to me that, since
philosophy had healed me, I might be able to use philosophy to
heal others. I enrolled in and completed a counseling curriculum
and then began a small clinical practice. And that brings me to the
present.»
«Julius was useless to you,” said Pam, «yet you contacted
him again. Why?»
«I didn`t. He contacted me.»
Pam muttered, «Oh, yeah, right out of the blue Julius
contactedyou ?»
«No, no, Pam,” said Bonnie, «that part is true; Julius
confirmed it when you were away. I can`t fill you in on it because
I`ve never really understood it myself.»
«Right, let me come in here,” said Julius. «I`ll reconstruct it
as best I can. The first few days after receiving the bad news from
my doctor I was staggered and tried to find a way to come to terms
with having a lethal cancer. One evening I got into a very morose
mood as I thought about the meaning of my life. I got to thinking
about being destined to slip into nothingness and remaining there
forever. And that being so, then what difference did anyone or any
activity make?
«I can`t remember the whole chain of my morbid thinking,
but I knew I had to clutch some kind of meaning or I would drown
on dry land, then and there. As I surveyed my life, I realized that
Ihad experienced meaning—and that it always involved stepping
outside of myself, helping others to live and to fulfill themselves.
More clearly than ever before I realized the centrality of my work
as a therapist and then I thought for hours about those I had helped;
all my patients, old and new, paraded through my imagination.
«Many Iknew I had helped but had I had anenduring impact
on their lives? That was the question that plagued me. I think I told
the rest of group before Pam returned that I had to know the
answer to this question so badly I decided to contact some of my
old patients to find out whether I had truly made a difference.
Seems crazy, I know.
«Then, while browsing through the charts of my long–ago
patients, I also began thinking of those I had failed to help. What
had happened tothem ? I wondered. Could I have done more? And
then the thought, the wishful thought, arose that maybe some of
my failures were late bloomers, maybe they had gotten some
delayed benefit from our work together. Then my eye fell upon
Philip`s chart, and I remember saying to myself, вЂIf you want
failure,there is failure—there is someone youreally didn`t help—
you couldn`t make even a dent in his problems.` From that moment
on, I had an irresistible impulse to contact Philip and find out what
happened to him, to see if, in some way, I had been useful to him
after all.»
«So that`s how it came about that you called him,” said Pam.
«But how did it come about that he entered the group?»
«You want to pick it up from here, Philip?» said Julius.
«I believe it would be a richer exercise if you continued,”
said Philip with the slightest trace of a smile on his lips.
Julius quickly filled the group in on the subsequent events:
Philip`s appraisal that his therapy had been without value and that
Schopenhauer had been his real therapist, the e–mail invitation to
the lecture, Philip`s request for supervision…
«I don`t get it, Philip,” interrupted Tony. «If you didn`t get
anything from Julius in therapy, then why in hell would you want
his supervision?»
«Julius posed that exact question, several times,” said Philip.
«My answer is that even though he didn`t help me, I could still
appreciate his superior skills. Perhaps I was a recalcitrant, resistive
patient, or perhaps my particular type of problem would not yield
to his particular approach.»
«Okay, got it,” said Tony. «I interrupted you, Julius.»
«I`m about finished. I agreed to become his supervisor with
one condition: that he first spend six months in my therapy group.»
«I don`t think you`ve ever explained why you made that
condition,” said Rebecca.
«I observed the way he related to me and to his students and
told him that his impersonal and uncaring manner would interfere
with his becoming a good therapist. Is that your view of it, Philip?»
«Your precise words to me were: вЂHow can you be a
therapist when you don`t know what the fuck is going on between
you and other people?`”
«Bingo,” said Pam.
«Sounds like Julius, all right,” said Bonnie.
«Sounds like Julius when his buttons are being pushed,” said
Stuart. «Were you pushing his buttons?»
«Not intentionally,” replied Philip.
«I`m still not clear, Julius,” said Rebecca. «I understand why
you called Philip, and why you advised him to get group therapy.
But why did you put him in your group or agree to supervise him?
You have plenty on your plate now. Why take on this additional
task?»
«You guys are tough today. That`s the big question and I`m
not sure I can answer it, but it`s got something to do with
redemption and setting things right.»
«I know a lot of this discussion was to fill me in and I
appreciate that, «said Pam. «I have just one more query. You said
Philip twice offered you comfort—or tried to. I still haven`t heard
about the first time.»
«Right, we started toward there but never got to it,” Julius
responded. «I attended one of Philip`s lectures and gradually
understood that he had constructed it specifically to offer me some
help. He discussed at length a passage from a novel in which a
dying man obtained much consolation from reading a passage by
Schopenhauer.»
«Which novel?» asked Pam.
«Buddenbrooks,” replied Julius.