never registered before. I like to look at you, but I`m realizing now
that your good looks are a barrier to seeing or knowingyou, maybe
even as much of a barrier as when a woman is ugly or misshapen.»
«Wow, that`s a shocker. Thanks, Stuart.»
«Rebecca, I want you to know,” said Julius, «that I too am
touched by your trusting us with your daydream about the
perfume. It points out what a vicious circle you`ve set up. You
confuse your beauty with your essence. And then what happens, as
Stuart points out, is that others do not relate to your essence but to
your beauty.»
«A vicious circle which leaves me doubting whether there`s
anything there. I`m still struck by your phrase the other week,
Julius, вЂthe beautiful empty woman`—that`s me in spades.»
«Except the vicious circle may be breaking down,” said Gill.
«I know I`ve seen more of you—that is, something deeper, in the
last few weeks than in the whole previous year.»
«Yeah, me too,” agreed Tony, «and, I`m being serious now,
I want to say I`m really sorry about counting out money when you
told us about that time in Las Vegas—I acted like a real jerk.»
«Apology noted and accepted,” said Rebecca.
«You`ve gotten a lot of feedback today, Rebecca,” said
Julius. «How`re you feeling about it?»
«I feel great—it`s good. I feel people are treating me
differently.»
«It`s not us,” said Tony, «it`s you. Put real stuff in—get real
stuff out!»
«Put real stuff in—get real stuff out.I like that, Tony,” said
Rebecca. «Hey, you`re getting good at this therapy business;
maybeI should start counting out money. What are your fees?»
Tony smiled broadly. «Since I`m on a roll, let me give you
my guess, Julius, about why you went out of your way to work
with Philip again. Maybe when you first saw Philip years ago you
were closer to that state of mind you told us about last week—you
know, having strong sex desires for other women.»
Julius nodded. «Go on.»
«Well, here`s what I`m wondering: if you had issues similar
to Philip`s—not the same but something in that ballpark—could
that have gotten in the way of your therapy with him?»
Julius sat up straight in his chair. Philip, too, straightened
up. «You are sure catching my attention, Tony. Now I`m beginning
to remember why therapists are hesitant to reveal themselves—I
mean it doesn`t go away—what you reveal comes back to haunt
you again and again.»
«Sorry, Julius, I definitely didn`t mean to put you on the
spot.»
«No, no, it`s okay. I really mean that. I`m not complaining;
maybe I`m just stalling. Your observation is good—maybe it`stoo
good, too close, and I`m resisting a bit.» Julius paused and thought
a moment. «Okay, here`s what comes up for me: I remember that I
was surprised and dismayed that I hadn`t helped Philip. Ishould
have helped him. When we began, I would have taken a big bet
that I would have helped him a lot. I thought I had an inside track
on helping him. I was sure that my own personal experience would
grease the rails of therapy.»
«Maybe,” said Tony. «Maybe that`s why you invited Philip
into this group—give it another try, getting another chance.
Right?»
«You took the words out of my mouth,” said Julius. «I was
just going to say that. This may be the reason why a few months
ago when I was wondering about who I helped and who I didn`t, I
got so fixated on Philip. In fact, when Philip came to mind I began
to lose interest in contacting other patients.
«Hey, look at the time. I hate to bring this meeting to an end,
but we`ve got to stop. Good meeting—I know I`ve got a lot to
think about—Tony, you opened up some things for me. Thanks.»
«So,” said Tony with a grin, «am I excused from paying
today?»
«Blessed is he who gives,” said Julius. «But who knows?—
keep on like this and that day may come.»
After leaving the group room the members chattered on the outside
steps of Julius`s home before dispersing. Only Tony and Pam
headed toward the coffee shop.
Pam was fixated on Philip. She was not mollified by Philip`s
statement that she had been unlucky to have met him. Moreover,
she hated his compliment on her interpretation of the parable and
hated even more that she had enjoyed getting it. She worried that
the group was swinging over to Philip—away from her, away from
Julius.
Tony felt elated—he voted himself the MVP—the meeting`s
most valuable player; maybe he`d skip the bar scene tonight—try
to read one of the books Pam had given him.
Gill watched Pam and Tony walk down the street together.
He (and Philip of course) were the only ones Pam had not hugged
at the end of the meeting. Had he crossed her too much? Gill
turned his attention to tomorrow`s wine–tasting event—one of
Rose`s big nights. A group of Rose`s friends always got together at
this time of the year for a sampling of the year`s best wines. How
to negotiate that? Just swish the wine and spit it out? Pretty tough
to pull that off. Or come right out with the truth? He thought of his
AA sponsor: he knew how the conversation between them would
go:
Sponsor:Where`re your priorities? Skip the event, go to a
meeting.
Gilclass="underline" But wine tasting is the reason these friends get together.
Sponsor:Is it? Suggest another activity.
Gilclass="underline" Won`t work. They won`t do it.
Sponsor:Then get new friends.
Gilclass="underline" Rose won`t like it.
Sponsor:So?
Rebecca said to herself:Real stuff in, real stuff out. Real stuff
in, real stuff out. Must remember that. She smiled when she
thought about Tony counting his money when she had talked about
her flirtation with whoredom. Secretly she had gotten a kick out of
that. Was it bad faith to accept an apology from him?
Bonnie, as always, hated to see the meeting come to an end.
She was alive those ninety minutes. The rest of her life seemed so
tepid. Why was that? Whymust librarians lead dull lives? Then she
thought about Philip`s statement about what you are, what you
have, and what you represent to others. Intriguing!
Stuart relished the meeting. He was entering full–bodied into
the group. He repeated to himself the words he had said to Rebecca
about how her looks served as a barrier to knowing her and that he
had recently seen something deeper than her skin. That was good.
That was good. And telling Philip that his cold kind of consolation
had made him shiver.That was being more than a camera. And
then there was the way he had pointed out the tension between
Pam and Philip. No, no, that was camera stuff.
On his walk home Philip struggled to avoid thinking of the
meeting, but the events were too heady to screen out. In a few
minutes he caved in and permitted his thoughts free rein. Old
Epictetus had caught their attention. He always does. Then he
imagined hands reaching out and faces turned toward him. Gill had
become his champion—but not to be taken seriously. Gill
wasn`tfor him but instead wasagainst Pam, trying to learn how to
defend himself against her, and Rose, and all other women.
Rebecca had liked what he had said. Her handsome face lingered
briefly in his mind. And then he thought of Tony—the tattoos, the
bruised cheek. He had never met anyone like him—a real
primitive, but a primitive who is beginning to comprehend a world
beyond everydayness. And Julius—was he losing his sharpness?
How could he defend attachment while acknowledging his
problems of overinvestment in Philip as a patient?
Philip felt jittery, uncomfortable in his skin. He sensed that