this: it gives me the shivers to think of him indoctrinating others
with Schopenhauer`s life–hating doctrine.»
«Will you ever see Philip as he is now?» said Stuart. «He`s
not the same person you knew fifteen years ago. That incident
between you distorts everything; you can`t get past it, and you
can`t forgive him.»
«That вЂincident`? You make it sound like a hangnail. It`s
more than an incident. As for forgiving, don`t you think some
things exist that are not forgivable?»
«Because you are unforgiving does not mean that things are
unforgivable,” said Philip in a voice uncharacteristically charged
with emotion. «Many years ago you and I made a short–term social
contract. We offered each other sexual excitement and release. I
fulfilled my part of it. I made sure you were sexually gratified, and
I did not feel I had further obligation. The truth is that I got
something and you got something. I had sexual pleasure and
release, and so did you. I owe you nothing. I explicitly stated in our
conversation following that event that I had a pleasurable evening
but did not wish to continue our relationship. How could I have
been clearer?»
«I`m not talking about clarity,” Pam shot back, «I`m talking
about charity—love,caritas, concern for others.»
«You insist that I share your worldview, that I experience
life the same way as you.»
«I only wish you had shared the pain, suffered as I did.»
«In that case I have good news for you. You will be pleased
to know that after that incident your friend Molly wrote a letter
condemning me to every member of my department as well as to
the university president, provost, and the faculty senate. Despite
my receiving a doctorate with distinction and despite my excellent
student evaluations, which incidentally included one from you, not
one member of the faculty was willing to write me a letter of
support or assist me in any way to find a position. Hence I was
never able to get a decent teaching position and for the past years
have struggled as a vagabond lecturer at a series of unworthy third–rate schools.»
Stuart, working hard on developing his empathic sense,
responded, «So you must feel you`ve served your time and that
society exacted a heavy price.»
Philip, surprised, raised his eyes to look at Stuart. He
nodded. «Not as heavy as the one I exacted from myself.»
Philip, exhausted, slumped back in his chair. After a few
moments, eyes turned to Pam, who, unappeased, addressed the
whole group: «Don`t you get that I`m not talking about a single
past criminal act. I`m talking about an ongoing way of being in the
world. Weren`t you all chilled just now when Philip described his
behavior in our act of love as his вЂobligations to our social
contract`? And what about his comments that, despite three years
with Julius, he felt understood for the вЂfirst time` only when he
read Schopenhauer. You all know Julius. Can you believe that after
three years Julius did not understand him?»
The group remained silent. After several moments Pam
turned to Philip. «You want to know the reason you felt understood
by Schopenhauer and not Julius? I`ll tell you why: because
Schopenhauer is dead, dead over one hundred and forty years, and
Julius is alive. And you don`t know how to relate to the living.»
Philip did not look as though he would respond, and
Rebecca rushed in, «Pam, you`re being vicious. What will it take to
appease you?»
«Philip`s not evil, Pam,” said Bonnie, «he`s broken. Can`t
you see that? Don`t you know the difference?»
Pam shook her head and said, «I can`t go any farther today.»
After a palpably uncomfortable silence Tony, who had been
uncharacteristically quiet, intervened. «Philip, I`m not pulling a
rescue here, but I`ve been wondering something. Have you had any
follow–up feelings to Julius`s telling us a few months ago about his
sexual stuff after his wife died?»
Philip seemed grateful for the diversion. «What
feelingsshould I have?»
«I don`t know about the вЂshould.` I`m just asking what
youdid feel. Here`s what I`m wondering: when you were first
seeing him in therapy, would you have felt Julius understood you
more if he revealed that he too had personal experience with sexual
pressure?»
Philip nodded. «That`s an interesting question. The answer
is, maybe, yes. It might have helped. I have no proof, but
Schopenhauer`s writings suggest that he had sexual feelings
similar to mine in intensity and relentlessness. I believe that`s why
I felt so understood by him.
«But there`s something I`ve omitted in talking about my
work with Julius, and I want to set the record straight. When I told
him that his therapy had failed to be of value to me in any way, he
confronted me with the same question raised in the group a little
while ago: why would I want such an unhelpful therapist for a
supervisor? His question helped me recall a couple of things from
our therapy that stuck with me and had, in fact, proved useful.»
«Like what?» asked Tony.
«When I described my typical routinized evening of sexual
seduction—flirtation, pickup, dinner, sexual consummation—and
asked him whether he was shocked or disgusted, he responded
only that it seemed like an exceptionally boring evening. That
response shocked me. It got me realizing how much I had
arbitrarily infused my repetitive patterns with excitement.»
«And the other thing that stuck with you?» asked Tony.
«Julius once asked what epitaph I might request for my
tombstone. When I didn`t come up with anything, he offered a
suggestion: вЂHe fucked a lot.` And then he added that the same
epitaph could serve for my dog as well.»
Some members whistled or smiled. Bonnie said, «That`s
mean, Julius.»
«No,” Philip said, «it wasn`t said in a mean way—he meant
to shock me, to wake me up. And itdid stick with me, and I think it
played a role in my decision to change my life. But I guess I
wanted to forget these incidents. Obviously, I don`t like
acknowledging that he`s been helpful.»
«Do you know why?» asked Tony.
«I`ve been thinking about it. Perhaps I feel competitive. If he
wins, I lose. Perhaps I don`t want to acknowledge that his
approach to counseling, so different from mine, works. Perhaps I
don`t want to get too close to him. Perhaps she,” Philip nodded
toward Pam, «is right: I can`t relate to a living person.»
«At least not easily,” said Julius. «But you`re getting closer.»
And so the group continued over the next several weeks: perfect
attendance, hard productive work, and, aside from repeated
anxious inquiries into Julius`s health and the ongoing tension
between Pam and Philip, the group felt trusting, intimate,
optimistic, even serene. No one was prepared for the bombshell
about to hit the group.
35
Self—Therapy
_________________________
When a man like
me is born
there remains
only one thing
to be desired
from without—
that throughout
the whole of
his life he can
as much as
possible be
himself and
live for his
intellectual
powers.
_________________________
More than anything else, the autobiographical «About Me» is a
dazzling compendium of self–therapy strategies that helped
Schopenhauer stay afloat psychologically. Though some strategies,
devised in anxiety storms at 3A.M. and rapidly discarded at dawn,
were fleeting and ineffective, others proved to be enduring