«It`s Philip. I`ve been preoccupied with him. I hate that he`s
here. You`ve said that his presence may ultimately be a boon to
me, and I trust you, but so far he`s been nothing but a blight, with
maybe one exception; I`m so caught up in my hatred for him that
my preoccupation with Earl and John has vanished. And I don`t
think it`s coming back.»
«So,” Julius persisted, «so Philip looms large. Is it possible
that Philip`s presence plays some role in the timing of your affair
with Tony?»
«Anything`s possible.»
«Any hunches?»
Pam shook her head. «I don`t see it. I`d vote for sheer
horniness. I haven`t been with a man for months. That`s rare for
me. I think it`s no more complicated than that.»
«Reactions?» Julius scanned the room.
Stuart jumped in, his keen, orderly mind clicking. «There`s
more than conflict between Pam and Philip—there`s a lot of
competition. Maybe I`m stretching it, but here`s my theory: Pam
always had a key place, a central position, in the group—the
professor, the erudite one, the one who took Tony in hand to
educate him. So, what happens? She goes away for a few weeks
and returns to find Philip squatting in her place. I think this was
disorienting.» Stuart turned to Pam. «Whatever other grievances
you had about him from fifteen years ago got compounded.»
«And the connection to Tony?» asked Julius.
«Well, that might have been one way of competing. If my
recollections are right, it was around then that Pam and Philip both
tried to give you comforting gifts. Philip passed out that story
about the ship stopping at an island, and I remember Tony got
really caught up in the discussion.» He turned to Pam. «Maybe that
was threatening to you; maybe you didn`t want to lose your
influence over Tony.»
«Thanks, Stuart, mighty enlightening,” shot back Pam.
«Your point is that to compete with this zombie I have to fuck all
the guys in the group! That`s your view of women`s abilities?»
«That`sgoing to encourage feedback,” said Gill, «and that
zombie crack is out of line. I prefer Philip`s even–mindedness over
hysterical name–calling any day! Pam, you are one angry lady. Can
you be anything else but mad?»
«Those are strong feelings, Gill. What`s happening?» asked
Julius.
«I think I see a lot of my wife in this new angry Pam, and
I`m determined not to let any vicious stuff pass—from either of
them.»
Then Gill added, «And there`s something else. I think I`m
miffed at continuing to be so invisible to Pam.» He turned to her.
«I`m being personal and upfront with you; I`ve let you know what
I`m feeling about you, I tell you how I see you as the chief justice,
but nothing registers—I still don`t matter. You only got eyes for
Philip...and Tony. And I think I`m giving you important stuff—
and here`s another piece: I think I know why your John bailed
out:it wasn`t because he was a coward; it was because of your
rage. ”
Pam, lost in thought, remained silent.
«There are lots of powerful feelings coming out. Let`s keep
looking at them and try to understand them. Ideas?» asked Julius.
«I admire Pam`s honesty today,” said Bonnie, «and I can
understand how raw she feels. I also appreciate Gill taking her on.
That`s an amazing change for you, Gill, and I applaud it, but
sometimes I wish you`d let Philip defend himself. I don`t
understand why he doesn`t.» She turned to Philip. «Why don`t
you?»
Philip shook his head and remained silent.
«If he won`t speak, I`ll answer for him,” said Pam. «He`s
following instructions from Arthur Schopenhauer.» She took a note
from her purse, scanned it, and read:
• Speak without emotion.
• Don`t be spontaneous.
• Remain independent of others.
• Think of yourself as living in a town in which you have the
only watch that keeps time—it will serve you well.
• To disregard is to win regard.
Philip nodded appreciatively and replied, «I approve
of your reading material. Sounds like pretty good advice to
me.»
«What`s going on?» asked Stuart.
«Doing a little browsing in Schopenhauer,” said
Pam, holding up her notes.
After a silence, Rebecca broke the impasse. «Tony,
where are you? What`s going on with you?»
«Hard for me to talk today,” said Tony, shaking his
head. «I feel tied up, like I`m frozen solid.»
To everyone`s surprise, Philip responded, «I think I
understand your bind, Tony. It`s like Julius said, you`re
caught between two conflicting requirements: you`re
expected to work in the group by freely expressing
yourself, and at the same time you`re trying to honor your
allegiance to Pam.»
«Yep, I see that,” Tony replied, «but seeing is not
enough, doesn`t free me up. But still, thanks. And here`s
one back to you. What you just said a minute ago—you
know, supporting Julius`s point—well, that`s a first for
you—I mean not challenging him—a big change, man.»
«Understanding, you say, is not enough. What else is
needed?» Philip asked.
Tony shook his head. «This ain`t easy today.»
«I think I know what would help,” said Julius,
turning toward Tony. «You and Pam are avoiding one
another, not expressing your feelings. Maybe you`re saving
it to talk about later. I know it`s awkward, but can you
make a start on doing it here? Perhaps try talking to each
other, not to us.»
Tony took a deep breath and turned to Pam. «I don`t
feel good about this, feel off balance. I`m pissed at the way
all this played out. I can`t get my mind around why not a
phone call to me first, to talk it over, get me on board for
today?»
«Sorry. But we both knew this had to come out
sometime. We talked about that.»
«That`s it? That`s all you got to say? And what about
tonight? Are we still on?»
«It would be too awkward to see you. The rules here
are to talk about all relationships, and I want to honor my
contract with the group. I can`t go on with this; maybe after
the group ends—”
«You have a most convenient and flexible
relationship to contracts,” interrupted Philip, showing
uncharacteristic signs of agitation. «You honor them when
it suits you. When I discuss honoring my past social
contract with you, you revile me. Yet you break the rules of
the group, you play secret games, you use Tony
capriciously.»
«Who are you to speak of contracts?» Pam shot back
loudly. «What about the contract between teacher and
student?»
Philip looked at his watch, stood up, and announced,
«Six o`clock. I have fulfilled my time obligations.» He left
the room muttering, «Enough wallowing in muck today.»
It was the first time anyone other than Julius had
ever ended a meeting.
37
_________________________
Everyone who is in
love will
experience
an
extraordin
ary
disillusio
nment
after the
pleasure
is finally
attained;
and he
will be
astonished
that what
was
desired
with such
longing
achieves
nothing
more than
what every
other
sexual
satisfacti
on
achieves,
so that he
does not
see
himself
very much
benefited
by it.
_________________________
Leaving the group room did not clear the muck from
Philip`s mind. He walked down Fillmore Street assailed by
anxiety. What had happened to his arsenal of self–soothing
techniques? Everything that had for so long provided him