“How many publications have you?”
“Over a hundred thousand. Twenty billion people read them.”
“Well,” Bill said, “maybe I should try it a year. But—uh—”
“What?”
“How’ll I get along here, outside of cartooning? I mean, I understand that physically I’m hideous to you, as hideous as you are to—I mean, I won’t have any friends. I certainly couldn’t make friends with—I mean—”
“That has already been taken care of, in anticipation of your acceptance, and while you were unconscious. We have the greatest physicians and plastic surgeons in any of the universes. The wall behind you is a mirror. If you will turn—”
Bill Garrigan turned. He fainted.
One of Bill Garrigan’s heads sufficed to concentrate on the cartoon he was drawing, directly in ink. He didn’t bother with roughs any more. They weren’t necessary with the multiplicity of eyes that enabled him to see what he was doing from so many angles at the same time.
His second head was thinking of the great wealth in his bank account and his tremendous power and popularity here. True, the money was in copper, which was the precious metal in this world, but there was enough copper to sell for a fortune even on Earth. Too bad, his second head thought, that he couldn’t take back his power and popularity with him.
His third head was talking to the Emperor. The Emperor came to see him sometimes, these days.
“Yes,” the Emperor was saying, “the time is up tomorrow, but I hope we can persuade you to stay. Your own terms, of course. And, since we do not want to use coercion, our plastic surgeons will restore you to your original—uh—shape—”
Bill Garrigan’s mouth, in the middle of his chest, grinned. It was wonderful to be so appreciated. His fourth collection of cartoons had just been published and had sold ten million copies on this planet alone, besides exports to the rest of the system. It wasn’t the money; he already had more than he could ever spend, here. And the convenience of three heads and six arms—
His first head looked up from the cartoon and came to rest on his secretary. She saw him looking, and her eyestalks drooped coyly. She was very beautiful. He hadn’t made any passes at her yet; he’d wanted to be sure which way he’d decide about going back to Earth. His second head thought about a girl he’d known once back on his original planet and he shuddered and jerked his mind away from thinking about her. Good Lord, she’d been hideous.
One of the Emperor’s heads had caught sight of the almost-finished cartoon and his mouth was laughing hysterically.
Yes, it was wonderful to be appreciated. Bill’s first head kept on looking at Thwil, his beautiful secretary, and she flushed a faint but beautiful yellow under his stare.
“Well, pal,” Bill’s third head said to the Emperor, “I’ll think it over. Yeah, I’ll think it over.”
Copyright info
The Second Fredric Brown Megapack is copyright © 2014 by the Estate of Fredric Brown. All rights reserved. Cover art © 2014 by Innovari / Folotia.
“The Waveries” originally appeared in Astounding Science Fiction, January 1945. Copyright © 1945 by Fredric Brown.
“Obedience” originally appeared in Super Science Stories, September 1950. Copyright © 1950 by Fredric Brown.
“All Good Bems” originally appeared in Thrilling Wonder Stories, April 1949. Copyright © 1949 by Fredric Brown.
“First Time Machine” originally appeared in Honeymoon in Hell (1958). Copyright © 1958 by Fredric Brown.
“Blood” originally appeared in The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction, February 1955. Copyright © 1955 by Fredric Brown.
“The Last Martian” originally appeared in Galaxy Science Fiction, October 1950. Copyright © 1950 by Fredric Brown.
“Man Of Distinction” originally appeared in Thrilling Wonder Stories, February 1951. Copyright © 1951 by Fredric Brown.
“Vengeance Fleet” originally appeared in Super Science Stories, July 1950. Copyright © 1950 by Fredric Brown.
“The Weapon” originally appeared in Astounding Science Fiction, April 1951. Copyright © 1951 by Fredric Brown.
“Mouse” originally appeared in Thrilling Wonder Stories, June 1949. Copyright © 1949 by Fredric Brown.
“The Dome” originally appeared in Thrilling Wonder Stories, August 1951. Copyright © 1951 by Fredric Brown.
“Great Lost Discoveries I: Invisibility” originally appeared in Nightmares and Geezenstacks (1961). Copyright © 1961 by Fredric Brown.
“Great Lost Discoveries II: Invulnerability” originally appeared in Nightmares and Geezenstacks (1961). Copyright © 1961 by Fredric Brown.
“Great Lost Discoveries III: Immortality” originally appeared in Nightmares and Geezenstacks (1961). Copyright © 1961 by Fredric Brown.
“Millennium” originally appeared in The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction, March 1955. Copyright © 1955 by Fredric Brown.
“Second Chance” originally appeared in Nightmares and Geezenstacks (1961). Copyright © 1961 by Fredric Brown.
“Contact” originally appeared in Galaxy Science Fiction, June 1960. Copyright © 1960 by Fredric Brown.
“A Word From Our Sponsor” originally appeared in Other Worlds Science Stories, September 1951. Copyright © 1951 by Fredric Brown.
“Something Green” originally appeared in Space on My Hands (1951). Copyright © 1951 by Fredric Brown.
“Crisis, 1999” originally appeared in Ellery Queen’s Mystery Magazine, August 1949. Copyright © 1949 by Fredric Brown.
“And The Gods Laughed” originally appeared in Planet Stories, February 1944. Copyright © 1944 by Fredric Brown.
“Mitkey Rides Again” originally appeared in Planet Stories, November 1950. Copyright © 1950 by Fredric Brown.
“Placet Is a Crazy Place” originally appeared in Astounding Science Fiction, May 1946. Copyright © 1946 by Fredric Brown.
“Honeymoon In Hell” originally appeared in Galaxy Science Fiction. Copyright © 1950 by Fredric Brown.
“Daisies” originally appeared in Angels and Starships (1954). Copyright © 1954 by Fredric Brown.
“Daymare” originally appeared in Thrilling Wonder Stories, November 1943. Copyright © 1943 by Fredric Brown.
“Cartoonist” originally appeared in Planet Stories, May 1951. Copyright © 1951 by Fredric Brown and Mack Reynolds.
About The Megapack Series
Over the last few years, our “Megapack” series of ebook anthologies has grown to be among our most popular endeavors. (Maybe it helps that we sometimes offer them as premiums to our mailing list!) One question we keep getting asked is, “Who’s the editor?”
The Megapacks (except where specifically credited) are a group effort. Everyone at Wildside works on them. This includes John Betancourt (me), Carla Coupe, Steve Coupe, Bonner Menking, Colin Azariah-Kribbs, A.E. Warren, and many of Wildside’s authors…who often suggest stories to include (and not just their own!)