‘Do you have a cat?’ asked Rose.
‘Mummy says no.’
The twins maintained their distance and confined themselves to scrutinizing her. They conveyed boredom, rejection and more than a little weariness. ‘This is Sam and Poppy’s mummy,’ I explained. ‘She’s going to look after you today. You remember she knew Daddy’
Felix hunched his shoulders. ‘Why can’t you look after us, Mummy?’
‘Because I have to work. Otherwise the office will not be pleased with me.’
‘He sounds just like Sam,’ said Rose.
Again, the rattle of the cat-flap. It reminded me of the ordinariness of life, the inexorability of each day with its small routines. Rose had declared how wonderful and diverse she had discovered the world to be. For me it was different. The click-clack of the redundant cat-flap only anchored me to the shifting, echoing landscape of loss, calamity and grief through which I was journeying.
Rose busied herself with her bag. ‘I imagine I was the last resort?’
‘If I’m absolutely truthful, yes.’
That made her smile, and the atmosphere lightened. ‘You must have hated ringing me.’
Yes. And if you’re truthful, you hated coming here.’
‘Well, that’s clear, then.’ She produced a packet of coloured marker pens and two pads of paper from her bag. ‘Felix and Lucas, shall we see who can draw the best cat? Then I’ll take you to school.’
Felix had been busy working things out. ‘You’re Poppy’s mummy? Like Mummy is our mummy?’
Rose nodded. ‘Exactly the same.’
Lucas seized a pad and a green pen. Felix held back. ‘These are my blue socks,’ he informed Rose, and stuck out a leg. ‘Daddy liked them.’
Rose looked steadily at the sock, and the small foot inside it, and tears spilt down her cheeks.
I turned away.
Before I left the house, I glanced into the kitchen. Rose was leaning against the table, one leg swinging, and the twins were drawing. Rose was saying, ‘Did you know that your daddy loved swimming? Once he swam so far out to sea that we had to go and get the boat to rescue him.’
In a manner of speaking, I was gazing into the heart of my darkness, however brightly lit it was.
‘Goodbye, boys,’ I hitched my bag on to my shoulders. ‘Be good.’
They barely glanced up. ‘’Bye, Mummy.’
At six o’clock on the dot I let myself noiselessly into the house. Rose was ensconced with a boy at each side on the sofa in the sitting room. She had her arms round them. ‘Then your daddy got hold of the fishing-line and pulled. He pulled and pulled…’
So intent were all three that they did not hear me come in. Rose lifted a hand and absently stroked Felix’s hair. He snuggled further into her.
‘Do you know what was on that fishing-line?’
‘The biggest fish.’ Lucas held up his hands. ‘As big as this?’
‘No.’
‘A dead man?’ Felix’s eyes widened in alarm. ‘No.’
‘A whale?’
‘I’ll tell you,’ said Rose. ‘It was a suitcase with “R. Pearson” painted on it. Inside it there were tins and tins of peas.’
I scuffed a foot on the carpet and Rose turned. Our eyes locked and her arms tightened round the twins. ‘Look who’s here!’
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘It’s your mummy.’
Rose stood in the hall with her bag over her shoulder. ‘Goodbye, boys. See you soon.’ She handed over the front-door key. ‘They were no trouble.’
One thing was absolutely settled with regard to the situation between Rose and me. I was in the wrong, the black-hearted villain of the piece, and Rose was the person to whom wrong had been done, which left me – if one accepted the determinist argument – free to continue to err. ‘Nathan loved you,’ I said. ‘He always did.’
Suddenly Rose laughed. ‘Oh, my God, the tables have turned.’ She choked a little. ‘Don’t you see how funny it is?’ She held out a hand, a wooing gesture. ‘Don’t you?’
I could not bring myself to take her hand. ‘I’ll work on it.’
Rose sobered up, and her face now registered sadness and regret. ‘I think Nathan did love me, despite everything.’
‘But you,’ I pushed it further, ‘did you…’
Rose moved towards the door. ‘I’ve done you a favour today, Minty. Let’s leave it at that.’ She placed a hand on the catch. ‘For the record Nathan, having done it once, would never have left the twins. And he would never have regretted having them. Ever.’
‘That wasn’t my question.’
‘But it’s my answer,’ she said gently. She tugged at the door latch.
‘Here, let me,’ I pulled the handle. ‘The lock’s tricky.’
‘Oh, I know that,’ said Rose. ‘It always was.’
21
Before twenty-four hours had elapsed Poppy was on the phone. ‘Minty, I don’t think it’s a good idea to use my mother as a fall-back nanny.’
As it happened, I agreed with her. ‘Did Rose put it that way?’
‘Not exactly, but she told me you rang up at the last minute and begged her to step in.’ She added, ‘I object.’
‘I had to find someone to look after the boys.’
‘You’re their mother. Don’t you understand how it would have upset her?’
I reminded myself that Poppy had no children so she didn’t have the faintest idea. Poppy had not lain naked and trussed and given birth amid what resembled a cocktail party. She did not lie awake at night entertaining that special brand of parental imagining: Lucas might run out into the road when a lorry just happens to be coming down it at full speed. She didn’t understand that adaptation was survival. Furthermore, Poppy had no idea how a pair of fair, tousled heads had a way of sneaking past every defence. ‘Your mother could have said no.’
An impatient noise sped down the line. ‘Don’t you know by now that Mum puts up with everything?’
‘I’m not sure I agree, Poppy.’
‘She has some crazy idea that Dad would want her to look out for them. I’ve told her she shouldn’t stand for it. Richard says you should make your own arrangements.’
Despite my best intentions, I was stung by the last. Our occasional rueful exchanges had seemed to indicate that Richard and I understood each other. ‘Did he really?’
‘Um. Well, we both agree.’
It was a fair bet that Richard had said nothing of the sort. ‘Poppy,’ I said, ‘I’m doing the best I can, but things are difficult at the moment, and the boys are more important than anything else.’
‘And?’
‘I was afraid I might lose my job if I didn’t turn up.’ Even to say the words caused sweat to break out on my top lip.
‘Can’t you negotiate? There’s legislation for this kind of contingency.’ Pause. ‘I wouldn’t stand for it, Minty.’
‘I expect you would if you had to.’ My knees were shaky now. ‘There’s theory and then there’s practice.’
‘Oh, for goodness’ sake.’
I glanced round the kitchen. Without Eve, it was showing signs of neglect. There was dust on the windowsill, spilt coffee grounds by the rubbish bin and a couple of dirty saucepans waiting for attention beside the sink.
‘By the way, two things, Poppy. I don’t think it would do any good if I intervened in the Jilly-Sam situation. I got a polite brush-off from Sam.’
‘I bet you didn’t try hard enough.’
‘Actually I did. I put feelers out, and it was clear that I wouldn’t get anywhere. I’m afraid the ball’s back in your court. You’ll have to deal.’
‘Hmm. You sound like Sam. All bossy and older sibling. And the second thing?’
‘I’ve spoken to Theo. I’m afraid the money won’t be forthcoming just yet. He couldn’t say when it would be.’
‘Oh, my God,’ Poppy said. A note of desperation had crept into her voice. Are you absolutely sure?’