Thirteenth after Trinity
Went to see Blossom. Pandora doesn’t ride her now because her feet drag on the ground. Pandora is having a proper horse delivered next week. It is called Ian Smith. The people who are selling it used to live in Africa, in Zimbabwe.
Tomorrow is my mother’s birthday. She is thirty- seven.
Full Moon
Phoned my mother before school. There was no answer. I expect she was lying in bed with that stinking rat Lucas.
School dinners are complete crap now. Gravy seems to have been phased out along with custard and hot puddings. A typical menu is: hamburger, baked beans, chips, carton of yoghurt, or a doughnut. It’s not enough to build healthy bone and sinew. I am considering making a protest to Mrs Thatcher. It won’t be our fault if we grow up apathetic and lacking in moral fibre. Perhaps Mrs Thatcher wants us to be too weak to demonstrate in years to come.
Barry Kent has been late three times in one week. So it is my unfortunate duty to report him to Mr Scruton.
Unpunctuality is the sign of a disordered brain. So he cannot go unpunished.
Our form is going to the British Museum on Friday. Pandora and I are going to sit together on the coach.
She is bringing her Guardian from home so that we can have some privacy.
Had a lecture on the British Museum from Ms Fossington-Gore. She said it was a ‘fascinating treasure house of personkind’s achievements’. Nobody listened to the lecture. Everyone was watching the way she felt her left breast whenever she got excited.
2 AM. Just got back from London. Coach driver suffered from motorway madness on the motorway. I am too shaken by the experience to be able to give a lucid or intelligent account of the day.
The school may well want a clear account by an unprejudiced observer of what happened on the way to, during and coming back from our trip to London. I am the only person qualified. Pandora, for all her qualities, does not possess my nerves of steel.
Class Four-D’s Tripto the British Museum
7 AM Boarded coach.
7.05 Ate packed lunch, drank low-calorie drink.
7.10 Coach stopped for Barry Kent to be sick.
7.20 Coach stopped for Claire Neilson to go to the Ladies.
7.30 Coach left school drive.
7.35 Coach returned to school for Ms Fossington-Gore’s handbag.
7.40 Coach driver observed to be behaving oddly.
7.45 Coach stopped for Barry Kent to be sick again.
7.55 Approached motorway.
8.00 Coach driver stopped coach and asked everyoneto stop giving ‘V signs to lorry drivers.
8.10 Coach driver loses temper, refuses to drive onmotorway until ‘bloody teachers control kids’.
8.20 Ms Fossington-Gore gets everyone sitting down.
8.25 Drive on to motorway.
8.30 Everyone singing ‘Ten Green Bottles’.
8.35 Everyone singing ‘Ten Green Snotrags’.
8.45 Coach driver stops singing by shouting veryloudly.
9.15 Coach driver pulls in at service station and is observed to drink heavily from hip-flask.
9.30 Barry Kent hands round bars of chocolate stolenfrom self-service shop at service station. Ms Fossington-Gore chooses Bounty bar. 9.40 Barry Kent sick in coach.
9.50 Two girls sitting near Barry Kent are sick.
9.51 Coach driver refuses to stop on motorway.
9.55 Ms Fossington-Gore covers sick in sand.
9.56 Ms Fossington-Gore sick as a dog.
10.30 Coach crawls along on hard shoulder, all other lanes closed for repairs.
11.30 Fight breaks out on back seat as coach approaches end of motorway.
11.45 Fight ends. Ms Fossington-Gore finds first-aid kit and sees to wounds. Barry Kent is punished by sitting next to driver.
11.50 Coach breaks down at Swiss Cottage.
11.55 Coach driver breaks down in front of AA man.
12.30 Class Four-D catch London bus to St Pancras.
1 PM Class Four-D walk from St Pancras through Bloomsbury.
1.15 Ms Fossington-Gore knocks on door of Tavistock House, asks if Dr Laing will give Barry Kent a quick going-over. Dr Laing in America on lecture tour.
1.30 Enter British Museum. Adrian Mole and Pandora Braithwaite awestruck by evidence of heritage of World Culture. Rest of class Four-D run berserk, laughing at nude statues and dodging curators.
2.15 Ms Fossington-Gore in state of collapse. Adrian Mole makes reverse-charge phone call to headmaster. Headmaster in dinner lady strike-meeting, can’t be disturbed.
3 PM Curators round up class Four-D and make them sit on steps of museum.
3.05 American tourists photograph Adrian Mole saying he is a ‘cute English schoolboy’.
3.15 Ms Fossington-Gore recovers and leads class Four-D on sightseeing tour of London.
4 PM Barry Kent jumps in fountain at Trafalgar Square, as predicted by Adrian Mole.
4.30 Barry Kent disappears, last seen heading towards Soho.
4.35 Police arrive, take Four-D to mobile police unit, arrange coach back. Phone parents about new arrival time. Phone headmaster at home. Claire Neilson has hysterical fit. Pandora Braithwaite tells Ms Fossington-Gore she is a disgrace to teaching profession. Ms Fossington-Gore agrees to resign.
6 PM Barry Kent found in sex shop. Charged with theft of ‘grow-it-big’ cream and two ‘ticklers’.
7 PM Coach leaves police station with police escort.
7.30 Police escort waves goodbye.
7.35 Coach driver begs Pandora Braithwaite to keep order.
7.36 Pandora Braithwaite keeps order.
8 PM Ms Fossington-Gore drafts resignation.
8.30 Coach driver afflicted by motorway madness.
8.40 Arrive back. Tyres burning. Class Four-D struck dumb with terror. Ms Fossington-Gore led off by Mr Scruton. Parents up in arms. Coach driver charged by police.
Fourteenth after Trinity. Moon’s Last Quarter
Keep having anxiety attacks every time I think about London, culture or the Mi. Pandora’s parents arelodging an official complaint to everyone they can think of.
Mr Scruton complimented Pandora and I on our leadership qualities. Ms Fossington-Gore is on sick leave. All future school trips have been cancelled.
The police have dropped charges against coach driver because there is ‘evidence of severe provocation’. The sex shop are not pressing charges either because officially Barry Kent is a child. A child! Barry Kent has never been a child.
Mr Scruton has now read my report on the trip to London. He gave me two merit marks for it!
It was on the news today that the British Museum is thinking of banning school parties.