'Hi!' I say over-enthusiastically. 'How are you?'
'Oh, we're all doing well,' says Martin. 'You heard Tom's bought a house?'
'Yes,' I say. 'In Reigate. Fantastic!'
'It's got two bedrooms, shower room, reception room and open-plan kitchen,' he recites. 'Lime oak units in the kitchen.'
'Gosh,' I say. 'How fab.'
'Tom's thrilled with it,' says Martin. 'Janice!' he adds in a yell. 'Come and see who's here!'
A moment later, Janice appears on the front door step, wearing her floral apron.
'Becky!' she says. 'What a stranger you've become! How long is it?'
Oh God, now I feel guilty for not visiting my parents more often.
'Well,' I say, trying to give a nonchalant smile. 'You know. I'm quite busy with my job and everything.'
'Oh yes,' says Janice, giving an awe-stricken nod. 'Your Job.'
Somewhere along the line, Janice and Martin have got it into their heads that I'm this high-powered financial whiz-kid. I've tried telling them that really, I'm not – but the more I deny it, the more high powered they think I am. It's a catch-22. So the upshot is, they now think I'm high-powered and modest.
Still, who cares? It's quite fun, pretending to be a financial genius.
'Yes, we've been quite busy lately,' I say coolly. 'What with the merger of SBG and Rutland.'
'Of course,' breathes Janice.
'You know, that reminds me,' says Martin. 'Becky, wait there. Back in two ticks.' He disappears before I can say anything, and I'm left awkwardly with Janice.
'So,' I say inanely. 'I hear Tom's got limed oak units in his kitchen!'
This is literally the only thing I can think of to say. I smile at Janice, and wait for her to reply. But instead, she's beaming at me delightedly. Her face is all lit up – and suddenly I realize I've made a huge mistake. I shouldn't have mentioned Tom's bloody starter home. I shouldn't have mentioned the limed oak units. Now Janice'll think I'm hankering after those units myself, won't she? She'll think I suddenly fancy Tom, now he's got a starter home to his name.
'It's limed oak and Mediterranean tiles,' she says proudly. 'It was a choice of Mediterranean or Farmhouse Quarry, and Tom chose Mediterranean.'
For an instant I consider saying I would have chosen Farmhouse Quarry. But that seems a bit mean.
'Lovely,' I say. 'And two bedrooms!'
Why can't I get off the subject of this bloody starter home?
'He wanted two bedrooms,' says Janice. 'After all, you never know, do you?' She smiles coyly at me, and ridiculously, I feel myself start to blush. Oh God. Why am I blushing? This is so stupid. Now she thinks I fancy Tom. She's picturing us together in the starter home, making supper together in the limed oak kitchen.
I should say something. I should say, 'Janice, I don't fancy Tom. He's too tall and his breath smells.' But how on earth can I?
'Well, do give him my love,' I hear myself saying instead.
'I certainly will,' she says, and pauses. 'Does he have your London number?'
Aarrgh!
'I think so,' I lie, smiling brightly. 'And he can always get me here if he wants.' Now everything I say sounds like some saucy double entendre. I can just imagine how this conversation will be reported back to Tom. 'She was asking all about your starter home. And she asked you to call her!'
Life would le a lot easier if conversations were rewindable and erasable, like videos. Or if you could instruct people to disregard what you just said, like in a courtroom. Please strike from the record all references to starter homes and limed oak kitchens.
Luckily, at that moment, Martin reappears, clutching a piece of paper.
'Thought you might cast your eye over this,' he says. 'We've had this with-profits fund with Flagstaff Life for fifteen years. Now we're thinking of transferring to their new unit-linked growth fund. What do you think?'
I don't know. What's he talking about, anyway?
Some kind of savings plan? I run my eye over the piece of paper in what I hope looks like a knowledgeable fashion and nod several times.
'Yes,' I say vaguely. 'Well, I should think that's quite a good idea.'
'The company wrote to us, saying we might want a higher return in our retirement years,' says Martin. 'There's a guaranteed sum, too.'
'And they'll send us a carriage clock,' chimes in Janice. 'Swiss made.'
'Mrm,' I say, studying the letterhead intently.
Flagstaff Life, I'm thinking. I'm sure I've heard something about them recently. Which ones are Flagstaff Life? Oh yes! They're the ones who threw a champagne party at Soho. And Elly got incredibly pissed and told David Salisbury from The Times that she loved him. It was a bloody good party, come to think of it.
One of the best.
'D'you rate them as a company?' says Martin.
'Absolutely,' I say. 'They're very well regarded among the profession.'
'Well then,' says Martin, looking pleased. 'I think we should take their advice. Go for growth.'
'I would think the more growth, you have, the better," I say in my most professional-sounding voice. 'But that's just one view.'
'Oh well,' says Martin, and glances at Janice. 'If Becky thinks it's a good idea…'
'Well, I really wouldn't listen to me!' I say hurriedly.
'Listen to her!' says Martin with a little chuckle. 'The financial expert Herself.'
'You know, Tom sometimes buys your magazine,' puts in Janice. 'Not that he's got much money now, what with the mortgage and everything… But he says your articles are very good! He says-'
'How nice!' I cut in. 'Well, look, I really must go. Lovely to see you. And love to Tom!'
I turn into the house so quickly, I bump my knee on the door frame. Then I feel a bit bad, and wish I'd said goodbye nicely. But honestly! If I hear one more word about bloody Tom and his bloody kitchen, I'll go mad.
By the time I sit down in front of the National Lottery, however, I've forgotten all about them. We've had a nice supper – chicken provenale from Marks and Spencer, and a nice bottle of Pinot Grigio, which I brought. I know the chicken provenale comes from Marks and Spencer because I've bought it myself, quite a few times. I recognized the sun-dried tomatoes and the olives, and everything. Mum, of course, still pretended she'd made it from scratch, to her own recipe.
I don't know why she bothers. It isn't like anyone would care – especially when it's just me and Dad.
And I mean, it's pretty obvious that there are never any raw ingredients in our kitchen. There are lots of empty cardboard boxes and lots of fully prepared meals – and nothing in between. But still Mum never ever admits she's bought a ready-made meal, not even when it's a pie in a foil container. My dad will eat one of those pies, full of plastic mushrooms and gloopy sauce, and then say, with a perfectly straight face, 'Delicious, my love.' And my mum will smile back, looking all pleased with herself.
But tonight it's not foil pie, it's chicken provenale. (To be fair, I suppose it almost does look home-made – except no-one would ever cut a red pepper up that small for themselves, would they? People have more important things to do.) So anyway, we've eaten it and we've drunk a fair amount of the Pinot Grigio, and there's an apple crumble in the oven – and I've suggested, casually, that we all go and watch telly.
Because I know from looking at the clock that the National Lottery programme has already started. In a matter of minutes, it's all going to happen. Oh God, I cannot wait.
Luckily, my parents aren't the sort who want to make conversation about politics or talk about books. We've already caught up with all the family news, and I've told them how my work's going, and they've told me about their holiday in Corsica – so by now, we're grinding to a bit of a halt. We need the telly on, if only as a conversational sounding board.