“You do na seem enthused.” She knew how happy I’d been when Jamie had come to see me in London and had most likely overheard our kiss.
“I’m not, really,” I lied as I froze in place. I had wished to be indifferent toward him but I’d still chosen to wear my best gowns day after day in case he should arrive unexpectedly. My mother had commented that we were, in fact, in Marlborough and not London and there was no need for me to array myself in finery at all times. She did not know that I dressed in feminine anticipation.
I glanced out the window and saw him greet and win over Brise and her pups. That brought an unplanned smile and an unwelcome softening. Matthias did not like dogs, not even at hunt, though he had to use them when he did. I heard Jamie speak with my mother’s steward, who soon climbed the winding stairs and knocked upon my chamber door.
“Mistress Juliana, there’s a man here from court that says he has correspondence for you from Her Grace the queen.”
I looked in my glass to ascertain that my hair was not unruly; indeed, ’twas not, as Lucy had recently finished fixing it. Then I opened the door. “I shall see him presently. Please inform my mother that we have a guest.”
The steward nodded and left and within a minute I descended the circular staircase and went into my mother’s receiving chamber.
Jamie stood when he saw me, and I inhaled deeply as I looked into his eyes and held his gaze and offered him my hand. He kissed it, and for a moment I felt the warmth spread and then my body, against my will, clenched tight like a fist. I withdrew my hand.
“I hope the New Year finds you well,” I said, keeping my voice as even as possible. “I am well pleased to hear that you have earned your knighthood, not that ’twas ever in doubt. Congratulations.”
“Thank you, Juliana. The New Year does find me well, but I admit to being better of it now,” he said, his voice lightly jesting but tender all the same. I indicated that we should be seated and I chose a seat not next to him but not too far away, either. I did not want us to have to rely upon raised voices but did not want to be so close as to lose my sensibilities.
“I’ve missed you at court,” he said. “When Seymour mentioned that he was coming to Marlborough to meet with an associate and make a delivery, as well as bring a letter to you from the queen, I asked if I could come in his stead.”
He had sought me out.
My heart reached toward him, wishing, wanting him to say more, and yet my mind wished his lips to still because I did not want to be forced to give the answer I knew honor demanded I must.
“What did Sir Thomas say?” I asked.
“He agreed. He was not surprised. I—I think he knows that I am soft toward you. He indicated that you care for me too.”
“I do.” Endeavoring to keep my voice steady so I did not sound like a petulant child, I spoke. “The last time I saw you, Sir James, you did not seem to prefer me to the company you kept, nor even make time to speak with me.”
“I am heartily sorry,” he said. “I grew distracted talking with many I hadn’t seen in overlong. When I saw that you had retired for the evening without my having had a chance to seek you out, I repented of my wasted hours. I sought you several days hence, when I had leave to do so, but was told you had returned home to Marlborough.”
“It rather seems to me that you are like the pit of a peach, Jamie. Always completely surrounded by soft flesh.” I could not keep back the smile that twitched upon my lips.
At that he laughed. “I should take offense, lady, but you put the barb so prettily that I cannot. ’Twas true of me, at one time, I admit. And most recent, though I shall not own up to even a tithe of what I am certain to be accused of. Yet, of late I find myself changed in that. When I returned home I found my friends married and with sons of their own, enjoying the comfort of the hearth. I find that I no longer take pleasure in the superficial company of insubstantial ladies. I much prefer the beautiful, congenial, and forthright charms of only one unspoilt maiden. Her name is Juliana St. John. And I hope she’ll let me pay heed to her when I am not at sea.”
He took my hand in his and I allowed him to hold it, though I still felt tense. I am no longer an unspoilt maiden.
“I have a letter from the queen.” He withdrew it from a leather pouch. “She’s told me that she desires to have you back at court and hopes that she can convince you to return.”
I took the letter from him, but did not open it.
“Do you plan to return?” he asked.
“I do not yet know.”
He moved to the seat next to me. “When I was completing the delivery of goods to your father’s business partner, Matthias made it clear that he hoped that you would remain here. Do you have an agreement with him?”
“There is no agreement presently, though ’tis possible that my mother should prefer to make that arrangement shortly, which would forestall my leaving for court.”
He said nothing. I could hear the deep stillness of someone listening out of sight, behind the doors.
“My father wished otherwise for me,” I finally admitted.
“I wish otherwise too,” Jamie answered. “Greatly. Do you?”
“What I thought I knew, I know not. My heart is unclear. I have been praying for direction, but the answer has tarried.”
It was not the answer he wanted and it was not the one I truly wanted to give, and yet it was the one I felt was right then, and so I offered it. I could sense that his heart fell, along with his countenance, in tandem with both of my own.
A moment later, my mother joined us and insisted that Jamie dine with us afore his long ride back to London. She was a perfect hostess and did not seek, this once, to overshine me. He made good conversation and shared tidbits of court news, including that the king was growing ever more ill and cantankerous and had to be pushed about in a chair upon wheels and hoisted up the stairways. I knew the king’s mood would be trying for Kate.
My mother withdrew and left us to talk for a while. He told me more of his family, especially his nephews, whom he clearly adored, though he referred to them as Rascal and Scamp. I told him more of my father and my childhood and for a few hours I forgot my demons long enough to allow myself to laugh and be young again.
Jamie finally brought the early afternoon to a close. “I must take my leave as ’tis a long, hard ride back to London and I leave to sea shortly. When I return to court, I shall seek you, and hope to find you.” He took both my hands in his own but I felt little. I longed for, I yearned for, the pleasure and joy and yea, the flush of heat and passion and restrained desire I had felt some months back when he had touched me. No matter how I tried to summon them, they would not come. John Temple had robbed me of more than my maidenhood.
I stood at the door and watched as Jamie rode away, trailing dust behind him.
“I thot ye were not enthused for him,” Lucy said, coming up behind me.
“The day may come when I am unable to appreciate a fine man upon a fine horse as he takes his leave,” I snapped. “But that day has not yet arrived.”
She grinned and as I looked at her I knew she was happy to see my vinegar stirred.
Jamie had not kissed me afore he left.
I knew not whether that was because he thought I might be spoken for by Matthias, or whether he sensed my tensing to his touch. I was not certain if I was pleased or sorrowed by the lack of his kiss, as nothing good could come of knocking upon a door that would never be opened. Would I ever feel desire again? And even if I did, what man would want to live without the hope of sons to inherit his hard-won purse, his lands, his titles, and provide said pleasure at hearth? None I knew of, nor had ever met.
I was also uncertain if a man could change, as Jamie had said he had. I recalled a motto one of our tutors had Hugh and me memorize from Euripides. Time will discover everything … it is a babbler and speaks even when no question is put.