“I don’t think so.”
“Well, there’s these five Chinese brothers who look exactly like each other. One of them can swallow the sea, one can stretch his legs to be as tall as he wants, one has an iron neck, one is fireproof, and one can hold his breath forever. To do a little boy a favor, the first brother sucks up the ocean so the little boy can walk around on the bottom and look for treasure. But then the little boy won’t come back in time, and the brother spits the ocean back up, and the little boy drowns. So the village decides to put the Chinese brother to death.” “They try different ways of killing, and each time a different brother shows up?”
“Right. They throw the one with stretchable legs into deep water, and he just stands there. The one with the iron neck comes and they can’t chop off his head. The fireproof one comes and they can’t burn him. Finally they decide to smother the Chinese brother in an oven filled with whipped cream, but that day it’s the one who can hold his breath. The judge gives up and they live happily ever after.”
“Let me see you shrink, Conrad.” She was kissing and caressing him.
“I have to be in the right frame of mind. Hold on.” He closed his eyes and let the peyote death-fear come welling back up. He was leaving Earth, his breathing was stopping, the saucer was going to pick him back up ... and right now he was dying, yes, fading out of flesh for ...
Her skin slid against his as he grew smaller. He was the size of a child, a baby ... he was the size of a thumb. Audrey’s body was a magic pleasure-park, and Conrad was her gardener. They began having fun. Before long she came, and Conrad got big again. “Oh, Conrad. That was wonderful.” There was noise out in the living room. One of Audrey’s roommates, a hyperactive vulgarian named Katha Kahane.
“Audrey?Ya here?” The bedroom door rattled.
“Don’t come in, Katha.”
“Who ya got in there tonight?”
“Fuck you, Kahane!” yelled Conrad.
Audrey winced, then began to laugh. “I’m sorry, Conrad.”
“Do you love me best?”
“Chinese brother.”
After a while they got dressed and went out. Conrad was still wearing the round glasses Chuckie had given him. The night city was black and yellow; the streets and buildings etched strange perspectives. A gibbous moon hung over the skyline.This is really going on , thought Conrad.I’m really alive.
“What were those two rules I used to have, Audrey?”
“What do you mean?”
“Sophomore year. I thought I had it all figured out. Rule 1:Don’t be a phony. And Rule 2:Don’t be a mean bastard. Remember?”
“You don’t believe that anymore? Now that you’ve expanded your consciousness? Is that what it feels
like to take peyote, Conrad; is it a feeling ofexpansion ?”
“I can’t believe you shrank like that.” A blush stole across Audrey’s cheek.
“Did Kahane think I was Richard?”
“She knew it was you. She just wanted to make you suffer. She doesn’t like you, Conrad. None of my friends ever have. Liked you. That’s something I like about you the most.”
“You really do love me?”
“Yes. But that doesn’t mean I have to marry you. Reading about the French Surrealists and Dadaists, I always think how wonderful it would have been to hang out with them in cafes. And you’re sort of like them. Only now, in America, being avant-garde is so seedy and violent. Sometimes you frighten me, Conrad. What if you’re just a drug-addict-bum your whole life? I wouldn’t want to live with a person like that. It’s too sad.” She glanced at him and looked away. “But you were saying about the two rules. If it’s not them, whatis it? What’s the answer?”
“Having adventures. Getting out to the edge and jumping off.” They turned the corner onto Broadway.
“Making it back is important, too. You go way out, further than anyone’s been, and then you come back to tell about it.” The street was full of people, happy-looking people. Conrad squeezed Audrey’s hand.
“After that peyote, I’m glad not to be dead or crazy. Even though I’m such a Chinese brother that nothing can bust me.”
“I wonder how you got this way.”
“It must have been something that happened when I was little. Radiation. Or maybe I’m not human. I keep having this feeling that I come from a flying saucer.”
“Oh, sure. What about your brother and your parents?”
“They could have been implanted with false memories. Really, it’s starting to seem like our whole generation is aliens. The geezers are just so ... square nowhere. Roast Beef. Vietnam. Dry Martini.
Gross National Product. Do the Twist. Kids These Days. Hot Black Coffee. Is That a Girl or a Boy?
They Call That Music?”
“Look at my new shades.” Audrey got a pair of aviator mirror-shades out of her purse. With the sunglasses and her long, tangled hair, she looked real gone. “I’ve been saving them for you. Richard doesn’t like them.”
“You lookbeat , Audrey.”
“So do you. With those yellow glasses, you look stoned.”
“We’re cool. We’ve made it. It’s time to groove.”
Chapter 16:
Friday, December 10, 1965 They decided to have supper in a dark-paneled tavern called the Gold Rail. The waiter helped them order food and a pitcher of beer. He didn’t card them.
“It’s civilized here,” said Conrad, filling their glasses.
“Just like in Paris.”
“Just like.”
They toasted each other and sipped the bitter, lip-tickling brew. Audrey took off her shades.
“How are your courses going?” asked Conrad.
“Philology is a lot of fun. Phonetics is awful. And we’ve been reading this great novel by Diderot. It’s all about men having sex with nuns. One man disguises himself as a nun to get into the convent—he’s a young shepherd named Valentin.”
“Do they catch him?”
“Well, one of the nuns gets pregnant, so they know there’s a man. The Mother Superior tells the nuns they have to line up naked and come into her room and be inspected one by one. So Valentin ties his ...
ties his cock back between his legs ...”
“What does he tie it to?”
“Idon’t know.” Audrey giggled and sipped at her beer. “Anyway, when the Mother Superior leans down to look at Valentin, he gets so excited that he breaks the ribbon and knocks off her glasses!”
“Sounds great.”
Their food arrived. Sole and crabmeat for her, steak and fries for him. It was delicious. They were in a booth near the bar. There was a good jukebox. The place was dark and loud and warm and full of good things to eat and drink.
After dinner they ordered another pitcher and started smoking Audrey’s Newports. Conrad felt looser and looser, more and more plugged into the Now.
“I feel like I haven’t been thinking enough, Audrey. At college I’ve just been drinking and trying to act cool. When I should have been learning more about the secret of life. I used to always talk about it in high school.” There were some loud drunks at the bar. Fraternity guys from Columbia.
“So what is the secret of life, Conrad? Drugs?”
“Drugs ... I don’t know anything about drugs yet. All I’ve done is take peyote once and go crazy.
Actually, I was already crazy, from missing you so much. But the secret ...” Conrad raised his glass, feeling for the just-right phrasing.
Just then Hank Larsen appeared, walking into the Gold Rail as if he had been conjured up for the occasion. Fit and tired-looking, he wore a university jacket with a bigC on it. He and Conrad recognized each other the instant their eyes met.
“Conrad Bunger! My God, it’sConrad .” Hank strode over and began thumping on his old friend.