Lesson 3: Always remain loyal.
One of the things that my father stressed to me was the importance of being true to my word. He talked about a time when men didn’t need contracts for every transaction, and that if a man gave his word, by looking a person in the face and shaking his hand, the agreement was as good as gold. That was Bob. Bob was true to his word and truer to our friendship.
When we first reconnected, Bob snuck me in his grandparent’s house; however, Bob’s older brother Bill wasn’t too happy about it. When Bob’s father died, his grandfather took custody of Bob and his brothers, and he built a nice size room for the boys in the basement. The room had two sets of bunk beds in it. I slept under Bob’s bed on the floor—this sounds uncomfortable, but it beat sleeping outside. Bill was pissed because he looked at it this way: there were already four boys sharing one basement. After about a week he squealed and told his step grandmother whom he didn’t get along with but he knew if he told gramp, gramp wouldn’t put me out on the street. Bob was pissed when he found out what happened; even though Bill was his big brother, Bob’s loyalty never changed. He spoke with his grandfather and let him know that he was going to let me stay in Bill’s K-Car, which had recently been in an accident.
Whatever his step grandmother cooked for breakfast, lunch or dinner, Bob made sure I got a plate. In the morning he unlocked the door and let me take a hot shower. If you looked the word loyal up in the dictionary, you would probably see a picture of Bob. I learned that a real friendship is not about what you can get, but what you can give. Real friendship is about making sacrifices and investing in people to help them improve their lives.
Lesson 4: Maintain a positive outlook.
I am a firm believer that a person does good when he feels good. A lot of people like to downplay power of thinking positively and being a positive person. Being around Bob convinced me that there is real power in positivity. I don’t care what the weather was or what day of the week it was, Bob kept a smile on his face and a song in his heart. No matter what the circumstances were, Bob had a positive outlook on life. Whenever I was in his presence I forgot I was homeless. I think the fact that Bob had been through his own personal struggles and managed to keep his head up and remain positive made his witness that much stronger. He wasn’t some kid born with a silver spoon in his mouth, but he used the principles of positivity to get through his own struggles. Bob lived in a three-bedroom house with his four brothers, his grandparents and his stepmother, and her three daughters. His grandfather was the sole breadwinner for the household. His mother was a substance abuser and was in and out of his and his brothers’ lives, but no one would have ever known that my boy, Bob, wasn’t born into royalty. He walked like it, he talked like it, he carried himself like it, and he forced the people who knew and loved him to treat him like it. It was that bravado that transformed my thinking and gave me energy to keep pressing toward my goals. After being in his presence I was convinced that positive people enjoy certain luxuries; they experience deeper joy and go through less stress than pessimistic people do. Through Bob I learned to look at hardships as learning experiences and even on the most miserable day I could hold the promise that tomorrow is a new day that promises to be better.
Lesson 5: Never underestimate the power of words.
I truly believe that life and death are in the power of the tongue. I believe we have to be careful about the messages that we allow to enter our minds and the messages we convey to others because words have such power. I am a living witness that words that are spoken to you can bring forth life to your soul or death to your soul. I know this first hand because Bob’s words coached me back to life. I remember Bob talking to me about some college down south called Oakwood. He was so animated and excited about it (later I found out that he had never even visited the school). He talked about how he thought it was the perfect college for me and that he thought I should go and study ministry. After Bob got me all excited, I found some literature on the school at church and began dreaming about the possibilities of going there some day.
I learned from Bob the power of words and how they can influence lives. There have been times in my life when close family members and friends spoke words that crushed me. “You are going to be just like your biological father, you’ll never qualify for that or you’re not smart enough to do that.” Words in the hands of the wrong people can not only crush your spirit, but they can also derail your dreams, skew your self-image, and hurt your heart. Bob’s words of life brought me in touch with the two most critical relationships in my life today. The first one was with my first real relationship with a female and the second was my relationship with Jesus Christ.
Lesson 6: A true friend respects your values.
Unfortunately for Bob and me, the church wasn’t the only environment in which we spent quality time. As we got older we spent more of our time hanging out on Mark Twain and less time on the 7 Mile and Trinity. Even though the two were close in proximity, they were like worlds apart. Detroit in the late 80’s was a weird city because one block could totally define what type of social economic status a person experienced. The houses on the deep west side of Detroit looked well manicured. They were made with beautiful red brick, had manicured lawns, and new cars in the driveway. If a person traveled further toward the east, he became more aware of the realities of poverty in an industrial powerhouse. When I use the term poverty it is much deeper than just living below the nation’s poverty line. Poverty was a mindset. For the first time in my life I was fully exposed and experiencing the realities of poverty. I had family members who lived in Cabrini Green, in Chicago’s housing complex, and some lived in the Herman Gardens housing complex. I spent the night at my grandmother and aunt’s house on a regular basis and hung out with my cousins.
Gradually, the street values began to have a heavy influence on the two of us. Bob more so than me because Mark Twain was his old stomping ground. Eventually, Bob started drinking, smoking and hustling. I was more into the apparel game and gambling. I helped my customers purchase name brand apparel at discounted prices. I would go into the mall of their choice, find their items, steal the merchandise, and sell it for 50% off the retail value. I always appreciated that Bob did not pressure me into smoking and drinking. When the guys rolled up the Tops and began passing the joint Bob would say, “Don’t pass that joint to E, ya’ll know E don’t smoke.” Even as far as the ladies were concerned, Bob knew that I was a virgin, but he never joked on me about it or tried to convince me that I needed to change my conviction. If I wasn’t feeling it, Bob never pressed the issue or used his leverage in our friendship to manipulate me.
Summary: Principles 7
• Choosing friends is a matter of life and death.
• Lesson 1: Look for people who believe in something and are passionate about their beliefs.
• Lesson 2: Be a giver, not a taker.