‘Hel , Kit, this isn’t about you.’
‘Not about me? How can you—’
‘I’ve been lied to once before.’
The world tilted to one side for a moment before righting itself again. Kit moistened her lips. When she could speak again she asked, ‘When? Who…?’
Who would do such a thing?
‘My ex-wife.’
Her own hurt vanished. Just like that.
His face had gone unreadable, impassive. She suddenly found that she wanted to cry for him too.
‘What happened?’
He dropped his head to his hands. For a long moment Kit didn’t think he’d answer. Final y, he dragged both hands down his face and straightened.
‘Jacqueline and I had been married for fifteen months when she fel pregnant. She told me the baby was mine and I had no reason to doubt her. We’d dated for over a year before we married.’
He’d loved a woman once, enough to marry her?
She rubbed at her arms but it couldn’t erase the sting that bloomed across her skin.
His mouth tightened. ‘It never occurred to me that she’d lie. And God help me, but when I found out she was pregnant I couldn’t wait to hold my son. We cal ed him Chad.’
Kit’s spine lost al its strength. Her hands crept up to cover her mouth. Before her eyes, Alex aged. His skin lost its colour. The lines around his mouth and eyes grew more pronounced. Shadows took up residence in his eyes. She dragged her hands back down to her lap, gripped them together. ‘When did you find out the truth?’
‘Not until Chad was two.’
Her mouth went dry. Alex had spent two years, not to mention the nine months of the pregnancy, loving his son—his Chad—and giving his heart to him completely? He didn’t have to say that out loud—the evidence was written in every line of his body, in the grief that twisted his mouth and made his shoulders slump.
‘Oh, Alex! What happened?’
‘She took him away.’
She had to gulp back a sob at the raw pain in his voice.
‘She had paternity tests carried out and they proved that I…’
‘But you’d raised him. You loved him!’ The words burst from her. ‘Alex, you must’ve had rights.’
‘She and her lover—Chad’s biological father—left before I’d gathered my wits. They fled to South America.’
Kit stared at him. No! This episode in his life—it couldn’t end like this. Alex had loved that little boy.
That little boy would’ve loved Alex.
‘The legal advice I received wasn’t promising.
After al , what legal rights did I real y have?’ His face After al , what legal rights did I real y have?’ His face twisted. ‘Oh, I had the money to drag the case through the courts for years, but in the end who would I real y be hurting?’
Chad. The knowledge sucked the air out of her lungs. He’d done what was best for the little boy he loved, but it hadn’t given him an ounce of comfort. It had left a deep and lasting scar.
‘Don’t cry for me, Kit.’
It wasn’t until he reached across to brush her tears away with the pad of his thumb that she realized she was crying.
‘I’m not worth it.’
Wasn’t he? Suddenly she wasn’t so sure.
‘Because the fact is, no matter what I tel myself, I can’t go through that again.’
A weight settled in the middle of her chest.
‘I once had a son, Kit, and now I don’t. So you see, the paternity test, it isn’t about you, it’s about me. If your child is mine I wil do what is legal y required, but nothing more.’
CHAPTER SEVEN
ALEX strode out to the dark of the back garden and tried to draw air into his lungs.
He hadn’t meant to tel Kit about Chad. He didn’t talk about Chad. To anyone.
His gut clenched. He strode down to the back fence to wrap his fingers around the hard bark of the banksia tree until they started to burn and ache. He hadn’t realized how much Kit’s inability to fathom his previous treatment of her had plagued her, tormented her, had her questioning her own judgement and doubting herself. His mouth fil ed with acid. This was why he should have been more careful in the first place—resisted the temptation she’d presented, the lure of a life that he knew could never be his. But her sunshine had touched his soul, and for a short time he had been lost.
And she’d paid the price.
He’d wanted—needed—to reassure her that none of this was her fault. The only way to do that was to tel her about Chad. To tel her why he couldn’t go through al that again.
Her unborn child—it was a source of joy for her.
For him… For him it was a constant source of torment, reminding him of everything he’d had and then lost, reminding him of the gaping hole at the centre of himself that nothing could fil . In losing Chad he’d lost the best part of himself.
If there’d ever been a best part of himself.
He didn’t want another child.
He didn’t want to love another child.
He’d given Chad everything—his time, his care, al the love in his heart. But it hadn’t been enough.
Jacqui had stil left. He’d stil lost the child he loved.
He wasn’t going through that a second time.
Losing Chad had proved something that deep down he’d always known but had never wanted to believe—he didn’t have what it took to be a family man. He refused to hide from the hard facts now. He could not give Kit what she so badly wanted—a stable and loving family unit.
What was the point in trying when he’d only lose it al again anyway?
Not hiding from the hard facts again? He gave a mirthless laugh. His demand for a paternity test was a lie, a blind, an excuse to hide behind. Kit wasn’t lying. Her baby was his. He just didn’t want to believe it, that was al . Kit didn’t care about his money and she sure as hel didn’t see him as a great catch.
She’d prefer it if he wasn’t her baby’s father.
He rested his head against the trunk of the tree.
Jacqui had taken Chad away from him without a backward glance. There were no guarantees that Kit wouldn’t do the same. Eventual y.
He would not relive that nightmare. Not for Kit. Not for anyone. If that made him a monster in her eyes, then so be it.
He loosened his grip on the tree to glance around the garden, which was partial y il uminated by the light from the kitchen window. His gaze fel on the Cape Cod chair that Kit had been sanding the other day.
Do something useful.
He strode towards it. His mind worked best when his fingers were busy, and tonight he needed his mind to be at its peak.
Because, no matter what he told himself, he couldn’t just up and leave when the weekend rol ed around. He might not be able to offer Kit emotional support, but he couldn’t abandon her with a house threatening to fal down around her ears either. Not when she was expecting a baby. He had to come up with a plan she’d go for and fast.
Because if he didn’t, once she received the al clear from her doctor tomorrow he may wel find himself very politely thanked and very firmly asked to leave. And who’d make sure she had everything she needed then?
Kit woke early on Thursday morning. She tried to go back to sleep but the nerves leaping and jumping in her stomach wouldn’t let her.
Today she’d have her scan. Today she’d find out if her baby was okay.
A tap sounded on her bedroom door and Alex’s head poked around its corner. How did he always know when she was awake?