In Saltnatek, toward the end, he had heard some of the cool remarks that said, plainly, he was not a father; heard them from students he had taught, reared, nurtured, and who now were ready to send him packing: “You can’t say we didn’t warn you.” “I tried to tell you that someday you’d be sorry.” “I’m sorry if you’re sorry. But that’s all I have to be sorry about.” From his own children there had been monitory signals, too, which he had mistaken for pertness: “Can’t you ask a waitress for a cup of coffee without telling your life story?” “Other parents don’t take the wrong bus.” “Please don’t get up and dance. It makes you look so silly.” Their eyes were clean, pure, but bedeviled by unease and mortification. The eyes of children are the eyes of petit bourgeois, he decided. They can’t help it; they are born wondering if their parents are worth what the bus driver thinks.
For twenty-four years the eyes of Saltnatek had appraised him, and had then turned away. He had become to himself large and awkward — a parent without authority, dispossessed, left to stumble around in an airport, as if he were sick or drunk.
He could still recite by rote the first test sentences he had used for his research:
“Now that you mention it, I see what you mean.”
“There is no law against it, is there?”
“I am not comfortable, but I hope to be comfortable soon.”
“Anyone may write to him. He answers all letters.”
“Look it up. You will see that I was right all along.”
At the outset, in Saltnatek, he had asked for a governmental ruling to put a clamp on the language: The vocabulary must not grow during the period of his field work. Expansion would confuse the word count. They had not been sure what to call him. Some had said “Father,” which was close in sound to his name, as they pronounced it. His own children had for a while avoided saying even “you,” dropping from their greetings such sentences as “What did you bring us?” and “Are you staying long?” They were like long-term patients in a hospital, or rebels interned. Their expression, at once careful and distant, seemed to be telling him, “If you intend to keep coming and going, then at least bring us something we need.”
His children were not proud of him. It was his own fault; he had not told them enough. Perhaps he seemed old, but he appeared young to himself. In the shaving mirror he saw the young man he had been at university. In his dreams, even his bad dreams, he was never more than twenty-one.
Saltnatek was his last adventure. He would turn to his true children, whether they welcomed the old explorer or not. Or he could find something else to do — something tranquil; he could watch Europe as it declined and sank, with its pettiness and faded cruelty, its crabbed richness and sentimentality. Something might be discovered out of shabbiness — some measure taken of the past and the present, now that they were ground and trampled to the same shape and size. But what if he had lost his mixture of duty and curiosity, his professional humility, his ruthlessness? In that case, he could start but he would never finish.
At Helsinki he heard young colleagues describing republics they had barely seen. They seemed to have been drawn here and there for casual, private reasons. He did not like the reasons, and he regretted having mentioned, in his lecture, sibling incest in that village in Saltnatek. He had been careful to admit he had relied on folklore and legends, and would never know what went on when the children tore all their clothes off. Repeated actions are religious, but with children one can never decide if they are heathen, atheistic, agnostic, pantheistic, animist; if there remains a vestige of a ritual, a rattled-off prayer.
Say that he used his grandchildren as a little-known country: He would need to scour their language for information. What did they say when they thought “infinity”? In Saltnatek, in the village, they had offered him simple images — a light flickering, a fire that could not be doused, a sun that rose and set in long cycles, a bright night. Everything and nothing.
Perhaps they were right, and only the present moment exists, he thought. How they view endlessness is their own business. But if I start minding my own business, he said to himself, I have no more reason to be.
Was there any cause to feel uneasy about the present moment in Europe? What was wrong with it? There was no quarrel between Wales and Turkey. Italy and Schleswig-Holstein were not at war. It was years since some part of the population, running away, had dug up and carried off its dead. It seemed to him now that his life’s labor — the digging out, the coaxing and bribing to arrive at secret meanings — amounted to exhumation and flight.
The village children had wanted white crash helmets and motorcycles. He had given them helmets but said he could not bring in the bikes, which were dangerous, which would make the ancient windows rattle and the babies cry. Besides, there were no roads. Some of the village women turned the helmets into flowerpots, but the helmets were airtight, there was no drainage, the plants died. The helmets would never rot. Only the maimed giant snails, thrown back into the ocean, could decay. Missierna, the day he resolved that helmets do not die, and so have no hope of resurrection, wondered whether the time had come to stop thinking.
He should not have mentioned in his lecture that the village children were of blank but unusual beauty, that they wanted steep new roads and motorcycles. It might induce plodding, leaden, salacious scholars to travel there and seduce them, and to start one more dull and clumsy race.
All this he thought late at night in his hotel room and in the daytime as he walked the streets of Helsinki. He visited the Saltnatek consulate, because he was curiously forlorn, like a parent prevented by court order from having any more say in his children’s fate and education. He entered a bookstore said to be the largest in Europe, and a department store that seemed to be its most expensive. On a street corner he bought chocolate ice cream in a plastic cone. He did not return the cone, as he was supposed to. He believed he had paid for it. He crossed a busy road, saying to himself, The cone is mine. I’m not giving it up.
So — he had become grasping. This slight, new, interesting evaluation occupied his mind for some minutes. Why keep the cone? It would be thrown away even in Saltnatek, even in the poorest, meanest dwelling. Children in their collective vision now wanted buses without drivers, planes without pilots, lessons without teachers. Wanted to come into the world knowing how to write and count, or never to know — it was all the same conundrum. Or to know only a little about everything. He saw helmets on a window ledge, ferns growing out of them. By now, the women had been taught to use pebbles for drainage. Saw children tearing uphill on the motorcycles other visitors had brought. Imagining this, or believing he could see it — the two were identical — he understood that he would never go back, even if they would have him. He would live out his six actuarial years on his own half continent. He would imagine, or think he could see, its pillars rotting, seaweed swirling round the foundations. He would breathe the used-up air that stank of dead sea life. He might have existed a few days past his six more years in the clearer air of Saltnatek. Then? Have fallen dead at the feet of the vacant, thievish children, heard for a second longer than life allows the cadence of their laughter when they mocked him — the decaying, inquisitive old stranger, still trying to trick them into giving away their word for Kingdom Come.
FORAIN
