As discussed, memories are not recordings but stories we retrieve from the compost heap that is our long-term memory; we construct these stories to make sense of the events we have experienced. They change over time as they become distorted, merged, turned over, mixed in and mangled with other experiences that eventually fade. But some memories remain as vivid as the day they happened or at least they seem so – those episodes that refuse to decompose. These are the events that we can’t forget. When we witness something that is truly terrifying, then a memory can be branded into our brain, like a hot searing iron that marks our mind forever. This is because emotionally charged memories are fuel-injected by the electrical activity of the limbic system.2 Arousal, triggered in the amygdala, produces heightened sensitivity and increased attention. The dilation of our pupils reveals that our vigilance systems have been put on high alert to look out for danger. The world suddenly becomes very clear and enriched as we notice all manner of trivial details that we would not normally care about. It’s like the scene has suddenly been illuminated by bright light – as if some paparazzi photographer has lit up the world in a brilliant blaze of light during our moments of terror – which is why these recollections are called ‘flashbulb’ memories.3 And we experience the emotion – we feel the past. It is the heightened arousal and emotional significance that seems to lay down the life-track in the brain that becomes a flashbulb memory.
We usually lament our loss of memory as we age but sometimes it is better to forget. While many flashbulb memories are associated with the more joyous events in life such as births and weddings, most are generated by the horrors. Victims and survivors typically experience traumatic memories that they can’t erase – a common symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Following 9/11, one in five New Yorkers living in the vicinity of the Twin Towers developed PTSD.4 They were haunted by nightmares and constantly ruminated on the events of that terrible day. Our emotional systems seem compelled to never let us forget the worst things that can happen to us. In truth, details of flashbulb memories can be as false as any other memory, but they just seem so accurate. For example, many people (including George Bush) remember seeing the plane hit the first tower on 9/11 even though video footage did not emerge until much later. Maybe flashbulb memories serve some form of evolutionary value to always remember the worst case scenario. When it comes to surviving, it would seem that Mother Nature has decided that it is more important to remember how we felt when endangered compared to the pleasures of life.
One way to combat PTSD is to administer a beta-blocker such as propranolol immediately after the event.5 Beta-blockers dampen the arousal of the limbic system so that events are not encoded with the same degree of emotional kick. People still remember what happened but feel less upset. Currently, there is research underway at Yale Medical School by Deane Aikins to determine whether propranolol alleviates PTSD in combat troops but some have even suggested that the drug should be given to all soldiers. This raises concerns. Do we really want to have a moral morning-after pill that shuts down a system that usually prevents us from doing things that might lead to remorse and regret? 6 Some have even suggested giving propranolol to soldiers before they go into battle as a prophylaxis. If you have no pangs of guilt then you could become immune to suffering. But do we really want blind obedience without a moral compass in our solders? Remember the lessons of Milgram and Abu Ghraib. There is a big difference between inoculating against PTSD and helping those to overcome events out of their control and no fault of their own. This future of the psychopharmacological treatment of PTSD is a moral minefield.
In any event, the scale of the emotional devastation created by 9/11 was unlikely to be solved so easily with a pill, and certainly not for those who had managed to escape the collapsing towers. The survivors of 9/11 were left traumatized and tormented by their flashbulb memories. Initially, the nation joined them in their grief as everyone tried to comprehend the sheer horror of 9/11 but, eventually, things started to return to normal. Memories started to fade and people wanted to move on, but not those who had been there. Two years after the event, survivors sought each other out and met up in small meetings to share their experiences, nightmares and pain. There was a lot of guilt that they had survived and they needed to talk. Gerry Bogacz, who co-founded the Survivors’ Network, explained: ‘After a while, you can’t talk about this anymore with your family. You’ve worn them out. Your need to talk is greater than their ability to listen.’ The Survivors’ Network began to expand their meetings across Manhattan. More and more sought the solace and comfort of fellow survivors because only those who had undergone the same ordeal themselves could relate to the legacy left by 9/11. At these meetings, they would exchange stories and, with each retelling, it seemed to help unleash or ease the feelings and emotions that had been bottled up.
Very soon, one particular story started to spread among the groups. It was the story of Tania Head who had survived the attack on the South Tower. She had been on the seventy-eighth floor, waiting for an elevator, when United Airlines flight 175 slammed into her tower. Tania had been badly burned by aviation fuel but managed to crawl through the rubble and even encountered a dying man who handed her his wedding ring, which she later returned to his widow. She would be only one of nineteen above the impact point who would survive that day. Tania recalled how she was rescued by twenty-four-year-old volunteer firefighter, Welles Crowther, who always wore a red bandanna. Witnesses say he was later killed making his fourth return to the collapsing tower to save more victims trapped in the debris. But Tania was not entirely without loss. Though she was saved, she later discovered that her fiancé, Dave, who had been in the North Tower had been killed. The wedding, for which she had bought her dress only weeks earlier, was never to be.
Like other survivors, Tania needed to do something to deal with the emotional aftermath. She started an internet group for survivors and eventually news of her efforts reached Gerry Bogacz who invited her to join the Survivors’ Network. Tania’s story was noteworthy. She had lost more than most others but somehow she had found the courage and conviction to overcome adversity. Tania’s tale was a story of triumph. She offered hope to those who had been lost in the pits of despair. How could anyone wallow in self-pity when Tania had managed to overcome her own loss?
Soon Tania was campaigning for the survivors. Their voice had to be heard. She championed the group’s right to visit Ground Zero, the site of the collapsed towers, which up to that point had been off-limits to all. She became the spokesperson for the Survivors’ Network and then their president. She gave the inaugural guided tour of the Tribute W.T.C. Visitor Center in 2005 when she showed New York City Mayor Bloomberg, former Mayor Giuliani, former New York Governor Pataki and other important dignitaries around the facility, regaling them with her experiences during that fateful day.
Tania Head had become the figurehead of 9/11 survivors. Except … Tania had never been there. She did not have a false memory. She was a fraud. Like me, Tania had watched the events on television back in her native Spain. She had not been in the South Tower. She did not work for Merrill Lynch. She had not been on the seventy-eighth floor of the World Trade Center. She had not crawled through rubble to retrieve a dying man’s wedding ring. She had not been saved by a real hero, Welles Crowther. And she did not lose her fiancé, Dave, in the collapsed North Tower. Tania was really Alicia Esteve Head who only arrived in United States in 2003 – two years after 9/11. She had made everything up.7 However, the authorities could not arrest Tania because she had not broken any law. In 2007 she disappeared and, in February 2008, a telegram was sent from a Spanish account to the Survivors’ Network informing them that Alicia Esteve Head had committed suicide. Not surprisingly, very few believe this.