“BRRRAAHHHHH!” The hippo lunged, but the blue giant grabbed its bottom teeth and stopped it cold. The force of the impact nearly shook me off his head.
“Yay!” the blue giant bellowed. “Hippo toss! I love this game!” He swung his arms in a golf swing motion and launched the monster out of the water.
Few things are stranger than watching a giant hippo fly. It careened wildly, kicking its stubby legs as it sailed over the marshlands. Finally it crashed into a limestone cliff in the distance, causing a minor avalanche. Boulders collapsed on top of the hippo. When the dust settled, there was no sign of the monster. Cars kept driving down the river road. Fishing boats went about their business, as if blue giants fighting hippos was nothing remarkable on this stretch of the Nile.
“Fun!” the blue giant cheered. “Now, who summoned me?”
“Up here!” I yelled.
The giant froze. He carefully patted his scalp until he found me. Then he picked me up with two fingers, waded over to the riverbank, and gently set me down.
He pointed to Zia, who was struggling to reach the shore, and the Egyptian Queen, which was drifting downstream, listing and smoking from the stern. “Are those friends of yours?”
“Yes,” I said. “Could you help them?”
The giant grinned. “Be right back!”
A few minutes later the Egyptian Queen was safely moored. Zia sat next to me on the shore, wringing Nile water out of her hair.
Setne hovered next to us, looking quite smug, even though his arms were still tied. “So maybe next time you’ll trust me, Carter Kane!” He nodded at the giant, who loomed over us, still grinning like he was really excited to be here. “May I present my old friend Hapi!”
The blue giant waved at us. “Hi!”
His eyes were completely dilated. His teeth were brilliant white. A mass of stringy brown hair fell around his shoulders, and his skin rippled in different shades of watery blue. His belly was much too big for his body. It sagged over his fish-scale skirt like he was either pregnant or had swallowed a blimp. He was, without a doubt, the tallest, fattest, bluest, most cheerful hippie giant I had ever met.
I tried to place his name, but I couldn’t.
“Hapi?” I asked.
“Why, yes, I am happy!” Hapi beamed. “I’m always happy because I’m Hapi! Are you happy?”
I glanced at Setne, who seemed to find this terribly amusing.
“Hapi is the god of the Nile,” the ghost explained. “Along with his other duties, Hapi is the provider of bountiful harvests and all good things, and so he is always—”
“Happy,” I guessed.
Zia frowned up at the giant. “Does he have to be so big?”
The god laughed. Immediately he shrank down to human size, though the crazy cheerful look on his face was still pretty unnerving.
“So!” Hapi rubbed his hands with anticipation. “Anything else I can do for you kids? It’s been centuries since anybody summoned me. Since they built that stupid Aswan Dam, the Nile doesn’t flood every year like it used to. Nobody depends on me anymore. I could kill those mortals!”
He said this with a smile, as if he’d suggested bringing the mortals some home-baked cookies.
I did some quick thinking. It’s not often a god offers to do you favors—even if that god is psychotically over-caffeinated. “Actually, yes,” I said. “See, Setne suggested I summon you to deal with the hippo, but—”
“Oh, Setne!” Hapi chuckled and pushed the ghost playfully. “I hate this guy. Absolutely despise him! He’s the only magician who ever learned my secret name. Ha!”
Setne shrugged. “It was nothing, really. And I gotta say, you came in handy many times back in the old days.”
“Ha, ha!” Hapi’s smile became painfully wide. “I’d love to rip off your arms and legs, Setne. That would be amazing!”
Setne’s expression remained calm, but he drifted a little farther away from the smiling god.
“Um, anyway,” I said. “We’re on a quest. We need to find this magic book to defeat Apophis. Setne was leading us to the ruins of Memphis, but now our boat is busted. Do you think—?”
“Oh!” Hapi clapped excitedly. “The world is going to end tomorrow. I forgot!”
Zia and I exchanged looks.
“Right…” I said. “So, if Setne told you exactly where we were going, could you take us there? And, um, if he won’t tell you, then you could rip his limbs off. That would be fine.”
“Yay!” Hapi cried.
Setne gave me a murderous look. “Yeah, sure. We’re going to the serapeum—the temple of the Apis Bull.”
Hapi smacked his knee. “I should have figured! Brilliant place to hide something. That’s pretty far inland, but sure, I can send you there if you want. And just so you know, Apophis has demons scouring the riverbanks. You’d never get to Memphis without my help. You’d get torn into a million pieces!”
He seemed genuinely pleased to share that news.
Zia cleared her throat. “Okay, then. We’d love your help.”
I turned toward the Egyptian Queen, where Bloodstained Blade stood at the railing, awaiting further orders. “Captain,” I called, “wait here and continue repairing the ship. We’ll—”
“Oh, the ship can go too!” Hapi interrupted. “That’s no problem.”
I frowned. I wasn’t sure how the river god was going to move the ship, especially since he’d told us Memphis was inland, but I decided not to ask.
“Belay that order,” I called to the captain. “The ship is coming with us. Once we reach Memphis, you’ll continue repairs and await further orders.”
The captain hesitated. Then he bowed his ax-blade head. “I obey, my lord.”
“Great!” Hapi said.
He held out his palm, which contained two slimy black orbs like fish eggs. “Swallow these. One each.”
Zia wrinkled her nose. “What are they?”
“They’ll take you where you want to go!” the god promised. “They’re Hapi pills.”
I blinked. “What now?”
The ghost Setne cleared his throat. He looked like he was trying not to laugh. “Yeah, you know. Hapi invented them. So that’s what they’re called.”
“Just eat them!” Hapi said. “You’ll see.”
Reluctantly, Zia and I took the pills. They tasted even worse than they looked. Instantly, I felt dizzy. The world shimmered like water.
“It was nice to meet you!” Hapi cried, his voice turning murky and distant. “You do realize you’re walking into a trap, don’t you? Okay! Good luck!”
With that, my vision went blue, and my body melted into liquid.
12. Bulls with Freaking Laser Beams
BEING LIQUIDATED IS NOT FUN. I will never be able to walk by another LIQUIDATION SALE sign without getting seasick and feeling like my bones are turning to tapioca.
I know I’m going to sound like a public service announcement here, but for all you kids at home: if somebody offers you Hapi pills, just say, “No!”
I felt myself seeping inland through the mud, traveling at incredible speed. When I hit the hot sand, I evaporated, rising above the ground as a cloud of moisture, pushed west by the winds into the desert. I couldn’t exactly see, but I could feel the movement and the heat. My molecules agitated as the sun dispersed me.
Suddenly the temperature dropped again. I sensed cool stone around me—a cave or an underground room, maybe. I coalesced into moisture, splashed to the floor as a puddle, then rose and solidified into Carter Kane once more.