She wore a cotton nightdress. Her body was still and cool. Very carefully I pushed my face into her hair. I wriggled my front against her back. My hands were on her shoulders.
I breathed a warm scent. It was fresh bread. Her hair smelt of fresh bread. Five minutes passed. Ten. It was a torment to be beside her, a torment of pleasure, of worry. Still she hadn’t woken. She hadn’t tensed. We could lie all night like this. I could sneak away before the morning gong and no one would know.
‘Who is it?’
The voice was so soft. How could she have woken without starting or turning?
I waited but she didn’t repeat the question.
Then I whispered, ‘Beth.’
She didn’t turn. She was silent. Touching is forbidden at the Dasgupta Institute and I was naked, pressing against her nightdress.
In a low voice I said, ‘I need to ask you a question.’
She didn’t reply. So now was the moment to ask something deep, something that would justify my being there. I couldn’t think. All those clever questions I’d had and now I couldn’t remember one. My heart was beating loud. She was absolutely still and soft. I was touching her, but it did not feel as if she were touching me.
Then she sighed and said: ‘I was wondering when you would come to see me, Beth.’
I didn’t know what to say. Mi Nu had woken and she hadn’t kicked me out. She was going to let me stay. She’d even been expecting me!
‘We’ve all been wondering,’ she said.
‘Wondering what?’ Suddenly feeling incredibly happy, I just forced my arms round her thin body and hugged. ‘What, Mi Nu?’
It seemed an age before she answered: ‘We’ve been wondering when you would decide to leave.’
‘But I don’t want to leave. I haven’t decided anything.’
There was another long silence. In the darkness I heard a faint tinkling. As if tiny bells had been stirred by a draught.
‘Who are the people up on the wall?’ I asked.
‘What people?’
‘The faces. The women.’
She hesitated. ‘Parvathi, Kali. They watch over me.’
‘Are they goddesses?’
‘That’s a word people use.’
‘I wish someone would watch over me.’
She didn’t reply.
‘Actually, I haven’t decided to leave at all.’
I was holding her, but she wasn’t there. Or she was, but not really in my arms. Then I thought I must be practical.
‘The truth is, Mi Nu, I killed someone. Someone died because of me. I don’t know what to do. I need your help.’
My hands were clasped tight around her, but she wasn’t really there. She was lying beside me, but not in my arms. She was all around me somehow and I was the only thing in the room that was not her.
‘I want to be like you, Mi Nu. That’s what I came to ask. How can I become like you?’
She lay quite still.
‘You’re perfect, Mi Nu. When you meditate, you’re like the moon. You shine. How can I be like that? I feel you know things I should know.’
Her body shook a little. She was laughing.
‘Is the moon perfect?’
‘It’s beautiful,’ I insisted. I felt very earnest and excited.
My little pillow-prattler, Jonathan used to say.
‘I always think you’re like pure moonlight when you meditate. I want to be like that.’
She sighed. ‘You are craving, Beth.’
‘It can’t be bad, craving to be pure.’
‘Craving is craving.’
She slipped from my arms and out of the bed. There was no chance of clinging on. She tossed a shawl round her shoulders, stood beside the bed. She was frowning, but in a friendly way.
‘Stay under the blankets. I’ll make some tea.’
She was gone. Again I heard a faint tinkling in the darkness. She must have one of those hanging mobiles that turn in a draught. It was sad she had left the bed, but at least she wasn’t kicking me out. Maybe she’d get back in and we’d drink tea in bed together. I looked around. Catching the orangey light from the Buddha in the passageway, the faces high up glimmered. Every smiling face had a crown, a necklace, earrings that dangled.
Mi Nu was taking an age. Had she gone to fetch Mrs Harper? There was no sound of water or kettles. No lights went on. What if I had climbed into GH’s bed? Or Ralph’s. I could have made love. I was aching to make love. But I thought Mi Nu could help me. Has anyone ever really helped me? I’ve done everything alone. Now I wanted help.
She came back with a tray. Perhaps she hadn’t been long at all. Perhaps I’d dozed off. I’d been awake so long. She poured out a cup and put it on the bedside table. She sat on a low stool and crossed her legs.
‘Drink. It’s good hot.’
Had she realized I was naked?
I pulled myself up slowly, dragging the quilt with me. The tea was some herb stuff. Mi Nu seemed shadowy, lifting her cup to her lips, sipping, lowering it, lifting it again. We drank for a while. Then I put my cup down.
‘I was pregnant and I made sure the baby died. I did it on purpose. I tried to drown myself, to kill myself and the baby. Instead another man died trying to save me.’
I stopped. She seemed to be looking at the floor by the bed.
‘I was going out with a bloke, a really nice boy, we’d been together three years, but it wasn’t his baby. The father was an older guy, he was married as well. I was in love with him. I was really in love. He didn’t care. Maybe he cared a bit, but not really. Even when I pretended I was dying. I told him I was dying to get him to help me. I wish I hadn’t done that. I was too young for him, I suppose. He was successful. He already had a life. I felt like I was nothing.’
Mi Nu was quite still and calm, exactly the way she is when she takes questions after the evening discourse.
‘I can’t go back.’
She said nothing.
‘If I go back I’ll just mess up with men again. And women. I’ve had things with girls too. You know Mrs Harper tried to kiss me?’ I laughed. ‘She’s really attracted to me. I think she really likes me.’
Mi Nu swayed. Sitting on the stool, legs crossed, her slim body rocked gently back and forth. I think it was this inner rhythm that separated her from the people round her. It was a secret she had.
‘I’d mess up. That’s why I want to stay here. Only I must learn to meditate better. My head’s all over the place.’
Mi Nu sipped her tea. What was she thinking? The more she was silent the more I was shooting my mouth off.
‘I want to be your friend,’ I said.
‘But you already are, Beth. We are all friends at the Dasgupta.’
I sat up straighter and the quilt slipped.
‘Sorry.’ I pulled it up. ‘No, I mean, I want to know all about you, where you were born, what your family are like, whether you ever had boyfriends. Or a husband. Or even children. You know? The whole story.’
She smiled. ‘Is that all?’
‘It’ll be enough to be getting along with.’ I laughed. Maybe I was making progress. She liked me. ‘Please tell me.’
‘There is no story,’ Mi Nu said.
I thought a moment. I was trying to be serious. In a way I knew what she meant; I’d even thought this about her myself. All the same I couldn’t help insisting.
‘Everybody has a story. I mean, you were born in a different part of the world. So there’s the story of how you came to be here. Tell me about that.’
She was shaking her head, smiling. ‘I’ve put all that behind me, Beth.’
I sighed. She was looking at me, trying to see if I understood.